Dear Tyler,

Boy the weather matches my mood today...dark, overcast, dreary, (and it is raining for once here in Houston). Today is one of those days that I am having a hard time with your death. I have a lot of these days , but today I just can't seem to shake it. I think it is because all the kiddos went back to school in NH. Several of my friends on Facebook shared the photos of the " 1st day " and I guess it stung. As happy as I am for them, and honestly I am that they get to have these memories and these milestones, it hurt and made me sad. I remember the days doing this with you. School shopping, pictures, the jitters of new teachers, new friends, and the complaining that you had homework the first day of school. I remember every year I would take a picture of you before you went off and you would say " Ahh Mom, do you have to? " I would just take the picture, smile and say one day I will have these to look back on. I didn't think I would be looking back so soon and wising you were not only little again, but still alive. I don't think this emptiness, the loneliness, the sadness, the pain, the hurt will ever go away. I guess I am surprised that I am feeling emotions like these now... a little over 2 months since you passed. I am starting to get angry again. I am mad that the world is spinning, I am mad that everyone goes along like there is not a care in the world, I am mad that I have to go into a store and see parents with their child or children having fun, I am mad that I have to always hear about what my friends are doing with their kids on a daily basis. I am just plain PISSED at everything. I don't want to be because that is not who I am. I am not someone who is bitter. Tyler, you know that I am one to always be happy or at least most of the time. I am always wanting to know how my friends child or children are. I love kids. I hate being bitter that I don't have my son anymore. I am angry that you were taken away from me. I hate being so alone in this world. I want this all to be a very long nightmare and when I wake up you will be with me...the way it was suppose to be in Texas. I am more lost then ever right now. I know you are with me and you can see me. I know you are hurting seeing me this way, and I hate feeling the way I do but I can't lie.. to you or to anyone. I know I have a wonderful support system of friends and family that continue to tell me you are still with me, ask me if I am ok, ask me daily how I am, but honestly I am always alone, no one to really talk to, and as sad as it is I am getting used to it. I am having a hard time being around people and having a conversation. Sometimes I don't want to be near or talk to anyone. I find that when I am around people they get on my nerves and bug me. Ty, I need you. I need your help. I miss you so much. I can't even explain how much I do. I lost the most precious thing in this world to me. I lost you. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you can understand and forgive me for this letter. I don't mean to hurt you or anyone for that matter. I hope you have a good night. Sweet dreams my sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!