Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Monday afternoon? Mom is doing alright I suppose. It has been a pretty busy morning here. Mom was up at 7 am and got the pups fed and walked. Mark went and started work right off while Mom did a bit of house straightening. I got ready right after and then off I went with Meme to run some errands. I had to go to the post office to send a card out and also a box and then it was off to the place I can't stand to go to and that is Walmart...ugh. On the way there, a white full size truck was tailgating me and right up on my *ss end of the car. I was so angry that I slammed my brakes. The girl that was driving flipped me off and I returned the favor back to her. She turned off about 2 miles after. That makes Mom so mad when people do that. I don't understand the need. You are not going to get to the place you are going to any faster. While at Walmart, Meme and I wanted to look at a few specific items and while headed to them, there were 2 older ladies. I passed them both and said excuse me. One of the ladies said..."look some people are wearing masks and not even covering their nose" and said it very snotty. Mom continues to walk and then decided to turn around as the lady was talking about me. I turned and yes..."yup that's right, I am". The lady whipped her head around and was surprised that I went back. I told her that if she was going to talk about me as I was walking away that she could say it to my face. She said she wasn't talking about me...I turn and said that I was the only one there and yes she was and she was rude. I told her that so many people are not wearing masks now and not even 60% are vaccinated completely...She mumbled that they both were and I said "really...how do I know that?... I am not judging you for what you are doing". I walked away after. Mom was so flippin mad at this point. How dare people judge like that. This is the reason why the world is like it is...the lady had no clue that I just had taken the mask down so that I could breathe better for a few seconds. It wasn't in a crowded spot so I thought it was safe. Between those 2 incidents, it set my mood for the day and not in a very good way. After that, Meme wanted to cash out and we left. Got home and unloaded everything and put stuff away just in time for Mark to leave. He was told first thing this morning that he had to be at the office this afternoon for 2 or 3 hours. Don't think he was too impressed as it was a sudden thing but it is his job and he has to do it. He should be home in about 1.5 hours. It is now 3:50 pm. He should be home by 5 pm he thought. He is home tomorrow and Wednesday and then back there Thursday and home Friday. Mom has an appointment for her nails tomorrow afternoon and it is a darn good thing as I broke 2 nails while at Walmart as well and a third one is on the verge...ugh.

Last night, it was nothing as I was expecting at all. We grilled and ate. Right after, Meme was not feeling good, Bob was quiet and Mom and Mark were ourselves. Mom made dessert and Meme didn't want any so the 3 of us had some. Mom ended up not feeling good either so I didn't eat mine at all...bummer. We started playing poker at 6"45 pm and Bob wanted to end it at 7:45 pm for whatever reason. They went to bed and Mom and Mark were up until 10 pm. Mom called and chatted with Grandpa. That was nice. Mom was tired from the day in the pool so we called it an early evening. That was fine by us. Mom didn't sleep all that well as I thought that I would after being in the pool for the afternoon. I think it was because of a conversation that I had on Saturday, your Angelverary being yesterday and news that I saw on social media last night. My heart hurt more than it was.

Let me explain... I will keep it short and to the point. Aunt Shirley called Mom, she fell the other day, hit her head on the washing machine and she ended in the ER for 8 hours. They did a cat scan and it showed that she had bleeding on the brain and it was spreading. They wanted to do surgery on Saturday but she said no. I guess this week she will be having another cat scan and then surgery to drain the bleed in the brain and then another one to put a stint in her arm or leg to prevent this from happening again in the future. Mom will keep you posted on things as I know of them. 

The news that I saw was shocking to Mom... I saw a post from your sweet nurse in the PICU...Dean. There was a picture of Bill...her husband and your old RT in the PICU...you remember him for sure...anyways...above the picture it wrote: "R.I.P. Bill... William Jarvis...You deserve it". When I saw it, it was posted like 12 hours prior to me seeing it. I made a comment and sent her a message but no response. I later found out that Bill passed on June 12th... 9 days ago. My heart hurt for Dean and the family. Bill was an amazing man. He was one of the few that I trusted with your life. I could always relax a bit when knowing that he was caring for you. I have no doubt that you were there to greet him for his arrival along with Jim and Frank. May Bill fly high and free now with the Angels. 

That is all I have for today. Mom just got a call from Mark saying that he was on his way home. Guess we have some nasty weather coming. He said it was pretty bad. Mom will light a candle this evening for you, whisper to you later on so smile for me and I will smile for you. I will be back tomorrow after my appointment. Please come visit me in my dreams if you can my sweet precious son. Thank you. Keep watching over us and keep us safe and healthy during all these crazy times here where Mom is. Thank you. Always know that you are the wind beneath my wings, and I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. You will forever be my hero and live in my heart, mind, body and soul. Thank you for being Mom's bright shining star. I miss you beyond words.... until tomorrow comes...good night and sweet dreams.

Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah 💖 

 

Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet precious son! How are you doing today on this Sunday afternoon? Well today is the most dreaded day of the year for Mom...it is June 20th. In exactly 2 hours from now you decided it was time to leave this world and go on to your eternal life. It is the hardest day for Mom to have to relive the pain and memories that come with it year after year. I actually slept in this morning. I didn't get up until 8 am. That was nice. I think the pups were so tired from yesterday. We were gone for about 6.5 hours and I don't think the pups slept at all. After we got home we went into the pool for a couple hours. The pups hung with us in the hot humid air. We called it a night at 7 pm. Mom called Grandpa and we chatted for a few minutes and that was about it. I watched tv for an hour, golfed on the playstation and then went to bed at 10 pm. I guess Mom was exhausted as well as I slept from 10:30 pm until 5:30 am without waking up once. That never happens. It was certainly nice! 

Pups were fed at 9 am and walked. Mark and Mom got ready and then went to the grocery store real quick. After we got home, Mom put groceries away and then jumped in the pool. I just came inside to write to you and I will be getting off the computer again after for the night. Mom has chosen to stay off social media today. I know it is Father's Day and I wished Grandpa one already but that is all I wanted to do. Family members and a few friends have messaged me today to check in and see how I was doing. That was very nice of them. I appreciated it. I told Mark last night that I chose today to just be a day that we didn't do much at all. Relax as I didn't want to be in public really. He was fine with that. I have been brave all day today, Tyler. I have whispered to you so many times. I sure hope you heard me. I have been keeping busy and really not choosing to do much. I honestly feel empty, alone, and numb. I am just doing things and going through the motions. It's like I feel nothing at all today. Sometimes I catch myself just staring at the floor or wall. I look at your pictures like I do every day and I just feel this deep sadness flood through my body. Half of my heart has been with you now for 8 years. I know you know that. Tonight, we are going to honor you with a BBQ. We will be having your favorite foods and toast marshmallows on the grill...burning them like you liked them! After that we are going to play poker for a couple hours. maybe Mom will have luck and win...doubtful but maybe! Mom wants to honor you by doing things we would have done together. I hope that you see Mom is trying so hard today...just to get through this day. Later Mark and Mom will watch a movie before heading to bed. There is a new Disney movie we are going to check out I believe. Mom will probably be tired again like last night so it will be to bed early. Tomorrow is Monday and it is back to the work week. mark goes to the office Wednesday and Thursday and Mom has an appointment Tuesday and a lot of running around to do during the week. We are having friends over next Saturday for a BBQ, swimming and games. Mom will be busy cleaning the house and prepping things. It will keep me busy that is for sure! 

I wrote on your facebook wall this morning that I wanted to share with you. This is what I wrote:

Dear Tyler,

My sweet precious son.... Mom doesn't even know where to start this letter to you today. My heart is shattered so much more today then every other day. I am reliving the horrific scenes in my head of what happened 8 years ago on this very day. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Every hour that goes by I know exactly where I was and what I was saying and doing. This was the worst day of my life EVER. In the early evening, Mom had to make a big decision and the hardest one no Mother should ever have to make. I didn't know what to do even though I had many family by my side. Was Mom doing the right things in honoring you the way you should be & deserved to be? I was listening to the doctors too, but I felt so alone and so sad, angry, hurt, etc... for what needed to be done. For a few minutes I wanted to be selfish but then I kept looking at you and I knew that I couldn't do that. I couldn't sit there and watch you. Mom didn't know if you were suffering so I did the only thing I knew... I let you go. At 5:35pm your heart stopped and I lost you. I lost me. Everything went silent. I was numb. I was in a fog of what just happened. I couldn't move but yet I found myself walking around in circles. I couldn't say anything to anyone. Mom just lost the 1 thing in my life that mattered the most to me. I lost my everything. Every emotion was going through my body but yet I couldn't cry. My body was in shock. Mom remembers the nurse coming in and telling me that we needed to leave for a little while. Mom didn't want to but they made me. When I returned I remember sitting down and just looking at you, talking to you and then the tears flowed freely. Mom thought that maybe when I left and came back it would all be a dream, but it turned out to be a living nightmare...1 that I relive over and over on a daily basis. Mom sat with you for a couple hours. While talking to you Mom wondered if you were able to see me, if you were already in Heaven. I told you to be free, to fly high and never to look back. You deserved it more than anyone I have ever known. You deserved to be without limitations..... to walk, run, jump, and do all that you have wanted to do for so long. It was getting late and I knew that I had to be going but I didn't want to. Mom didn't want to leave you there alone. I started to walk out of the room but my hands clenched the curtain. I started to cry harder. Mark had to pull me away and he told me that everything would be ok but Mom knew nothing would ever be ok anymore.....Not ever!

June 20, 2021, 8 years later.... So much has happened. Mom struggles on a daily basis but Mom would like to think that you are guiding me and helping me through it all.

Mom read somewhere once that when a love one passes on from the physical world they continue growing from the Spiritual side. For this to happen we, in the physical world need to continue to live our lives as necessary. We need to laugh, smile, and as hard as it is we need to continue to move forward. This way you grow, learn, and do all the things you need to do wherever you are. When I read that I knew that I had to do everything possible. Mom would never want to hold you back from anything. I would never want you to have anymore limitations. You had too many, more than anyone should have here in the physical world. I want you to continue to soar, to spread your wings and fly....Mom knows you are doing just that. Mom knows you are completely free & happy.

I miss you so much still....More than words can say. I miss everything about you..... Your smile, your voice, the way you laughed, your beautiful brown eyes and those dang eyelashes that everyone raved about. I miss our talks, playing games with you, our walks, our vacations and yes.. I even miss our fights. Nothing is the same anymore. I am not the same anymore. I never will be again. You were and always will be my HERO!!!! I love you my sweet precious son. To the moon and back and all the way around the world.

I will continue to look to the skies at night time. To see the stars and the moon shining brightly. It lets me know that you are there watching over me & we are still under the same big sky. I will look for your " paintings" too. I will continue to whisper to you as I always do each & every night. I hope you hear me... I hope you listen for Mom's voice. Smile when you hear Mom and I will picture you smiling back at me. Fly high and fly free Tyler. Mom knows you are doing wonderful things wherever you are. You will forever live inside my heart, mind, body, and soul now. You are the Wind Beneath My Wings & my bright shining star that lights the way for me now. xoxoxo

You are and always will be the wind beneath my wings and my hero...just like I said above and how I do every day. I know that you feel it deep in your soul. I know you hear Mom talk to you all the time. I will never stop my sweet precious son. I know you are content how and where you are and have been for 8 years now. I know it hurts you to see Mom hurting on these hard days but I know you get it. It is not easy as I have said but damn I am trying to get through. Bare with me, Tyler. That is all I ask of you. Thank you.

It is after 4 pm and Mom promised that we would have an early dinner for Meme and Bob. I will be back tomorrow with another letter to you. Mom will light a candle this evening for you and I will be whispering to you again so smile for me and I will smile to you. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. You are forever in my heart, mind, body and soul. Come visit me in my dreams if you can tonight. have fun while I sleep. I miss you more than anything, Tyler. More than words can ever express. Until tomorrow comes...please watch over us and keep us safe and healthy. Thank you. Remember you are Mom's bright shining star that lights my path in life now. Thank you my sweet Angel.

Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah 💙

Aber you are my bright shining star that lights the path for me now.

 

 Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Friday afternoon? Today is a tough day for Mom but I knew it would be. It is June 18th...another day that is etched in my mind for the rest of my eternity. It is a day that my heart just aches like hell. I wrote to you first thing this morning on your facebook page...here is my post:

Today is not a day I care to remember at all. These next few days will be the toughest for me. June 18th.... It is the day that we had our last conversation ever. I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing when that all took place. I remember the conversation and ending it with telling you that I would talk to you in the morning. That morning came but we never spoke. I never heard your voice again. The last words you said to me the night before was that you loved and missed me. I told you the same. In ways, I am glad that those were the last words spoken between us because if they weren't I would be worse off then I am almost 8 years later, I miss you more than words can say. You will always be the wind beneath my wings...

This is so true my sweet precious son. If Mom only knew...I would have kept you on the phone all night. I miss you so much. I miss you voice, your laugh, your handsome face. I miss everything about you. I miss our talks, I miss us joking around and yes...I even miss us being stubborn and getting angry at each other. We were so much alike...lol...A Taurus and a Leo...what a pair, huh? we were the best! I love you with all my heart and soul. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. You are my everything still. My hero for all time. The wind beneath my wings for always. You will remain living in my heart, mind, body and soul. Mom knows that you are happy where you are and what you can do. I would never take that away from you and ask for you to come back to this world that I live in now. It has changed so much in the last 8 years and not for the good. Wanting you back would be for my own personal selfish reasons and Mom could never do that to you. I love you too much. I know you know that.

Yesterday after Mom wrote to you, I was doing my research for my boxes and I was listening to music. Wind Beneath My Wings came on and I stopped what I was doing, I sang the song to your picture and just let the tears flow freely down my face. I didn't try to stop myself. I didn't want to. I needed that moment in time. Somehow I knew you were near Mom at that very moment. Thank you.

This morning while walking the pups. Mom heard the birds chirping and I looked up and saw 2 male cardinals flying into the tree and a female one as well. I looked back up and then saw 3 male cardinals. It was so amazing. The bright red stood right out in the tree. It was like I was frozen in time for those few minutes. I watched as if I was a child looking at one for the very first time. I wondered if it was you. I would like to think so. These days are tough for Mom and I have to relive all the pain year after year. Seeing signs makes it a bit for comforting. Thank you for that.

I wanted to write to you early as it is only 1:33 pm because I have so much to do and I know that the time will go by so fast and before I know it it will be time to feed the pups, walk them and then cook dinner for us. I didn't want to miss writing to you. Tomorrow we are going out for the entire day. We will be taking Bob to Disney Springs to go up in the hot air balloon. That and taking him to dinner is his Fathers Day present from us. We wanted to do it Saturday because Sunday is going to be a crappy day for weather and for Mom and I just want to be home. I won't be writing on here tomorrow as we leave early in the morning and not getting home until late afternoon. I know we will be exhausted. I will write to you on Sunday though. I plan on swimming in the morning and then taking a break and at that point I will write to you, swim some more as long as it is not raining and then it will be dinner, etc.... I need to not do anything and just have an easy day. Mom will be sad, I will cry but know that I will be ok. It is just that I love you so damn much and I miss you more then anything. Send me extra signs if you can over the weekend.

I have a candle lit for you right now. Tonight we will be going to bed early and I will light another one as well. I will whisper to you as I always do. Smile for Mom and I will smile to you. Have fun doing all the things you want to do and need to do while I am sleeping tonight. Come visit Mom in my dreams if you can. Please watch over us and keep us safe and healthy. Thank you. Mom has to go and start her stuff now. I will be back Sunday again so until then...good night and sweet dreams later tonight.

Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah 💚

 

 Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Thursday afternoon? Mom is doing alright. I was up at 6:30 am and pups were walked and fed by 7:30 am. Mom came right upstairs, made the bed and then took a shower and got ready. I have been in my office all day long looking at websites for the last few things I need for my August box. My eyes were hurting me so I decided to take a break and write to you before going back to it again. It is almost 4 pm so I need to make some decisions quickly. 

Last night was quiet just as I expected it to be. Mom was just not in a talkative mood. Between getting news of Jaidyn yesterday and the dates... Mom is just quiet and emotional. Mark took a bath while I cuddled in bed with the pups. It rained most of the evening again so the pups were snuggled close. Today it has been pretty much overcast with no rain. Tomorrow and Saturday will be the same way and then Sunday through all next week will be rain again. Guess we are making up for the lack of rain that we have not been getting. The pool water is so high and it is ready to overflow again...lol. Tonight will be another quiet evening. Mom will just kick back and watch a bit of tv. I am just in another world right now with knowing the days ahead and everything that comes rushing back to Mom. Bare with me. I will get through it but it won't be easy. 

This morning we got more horrific news. Someone that Mom has known through Mark has been sick for a couple months now. Come to find out it has been a lot longer than that. She had tests run and the results have been given to her, her family and her friends. She has cancer and tumors in her ovaries, brain and around her aorta. The cancer is basically taken over her body and she has no energy, won't eat and is losing weight rapidly. That was a call we received at 8 am this morning. So heartbreaking 💔. The doctors give her less then a year but with all that we have been told and what Mom kinda knows...unfortunately I think it could be a lot sooner. My thoughts and prayers are with Bonnie and Joe and their family. I wish for nothing but a miracle for her and Jaidyn. I sent a message for all prayer warriors to help them. 

Also this morning, Mom logged into her email and saw a few things that just didn't look right. I looked into it a bit more and saw that someone in Sioux Falls SD hacked into my account and tried to place 3 orders using my credit card. They changed my info in my profile as well. They gave their address and phone number. Mom was so tempted to call them but I didn't. I called the company and they locked my account, they called the stores where the orders were placed and they canceled them altogether so those people will not be getting a darn thing. Guess the surprise will be on them now. Mom changed her passwords and put a higher security on her account. What a mess. We have to wait for the refunds and then our accounts will be up and running again. I can't believe that people like that are out there. It is sad and karma will get them. I am just glad I caught it quickly. 

So that is my day in a nut shell.... Crazy huh? That is why I am hoping for a quiet evening. It has been a pretty quiet day so far. Meme has been downstairs all day again, Bob has been in his room...week 3 and he is still not better. He refuses to go to the doctors. Mark has been busy working like crazy. Hopefully we can have dinner together tonight. That will be nice. No updates today. Maybe tomorrow or over the weekend. I will keep you posted though. 

Mom has had a candle lit all day for you and I have been listening to music as well. Right now there is the song playing "What a wonderful world" by Louis Armstrong. You used to sing that all the time. It always made me smile my sweet precious son. Oh how I miss you so much. I miss all the time we had together. I miss it all. You are my hero and the wind beneath my wings. You live in my heart, mind, body and soul forever! I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Never not feel that in your soul. 

Mom has to get going for now. I have to go back to my looking at websites. I have a just a few minutes to do so before I have to feed the pups and walk them and then get dinner going for us. I will whisper to you later this evening so smile for mom and I will smile back to you. Have fun while I sleep tonight. Come visit me in my dreams if you can. Thanks. Please continue to watch over us and keep us healthy and safe. Thanks, Tyler. Until tomorrow comes...good night and sweet dreams. 

Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah 💛