Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet precious son! How are you doing today on this Sunday afternoon? Well today is the most dreaded day of the year for Mom...it is June 20th. In exactly 2 hours from now you decided it was time to leave this world and go on to your eternal life. It is the hardest day for Mom to have to relive the pain and memories that come with it year after year. I actually slept in this morning. I didn't get up until 8 am. That was nice. I think the pups were so tired from yesterday. We were gone for about 6.5 hours and I don't think the pups slept at all. After we got home we went into the pool for a couple hours. The pups hung with us in the hot humid air. We called it a night at 7 pm. Mom called Grandpa and we chatted for a few minutes and that was about it. I watched tv for an hour, golfed on the playstation and then went to bed at 10 pm. I guess Mom was exhausted as well as I slept from 10:30 pm until 5:30 am without waking up once. That never happens. It was certainly nice! 

Pups were fed at 9 am and walked. Mark and Mom got ready and then went to the grocery store real quick. After we got home, Mom put groceries away and then jumped in the pool. I just came inside to write to you and I will be getting off the computer again after for the night. Mom has chosen to stay off social media today. I know it is Father's Day and I wished Grandpa one already but that is all I wanted to do. Family members and a few friends have messaged me today to check in and see how I was doing. That was very nice of them. I appreciated it. I told Mark last night that I chose today to just be a day that we didn't do much at all. Relax as I didn't want to be in public really. He was fine with that. I have been brave all day today, Tyler. I have whispered to you so many times. I sure hope you heard me. I have been keeping busy and really not choosing to do much. I honestly feel empty, alone, and numb. I am just doing things and going through the motions. It's like I feel nothing at all today. Sometimes I catch myself just staring at the floor or wall. I look at your pictures like I do every day and I just feel this deep sadness flood through my body. Half of my heart has been with you now for 8 years. I know you know that. Tonight, we are going to honor you with a BBQ. We will be having your favorite foods and toast marshmallows on the grill...burning them like you liked them! After that we are going to play poker for a couple hours. maybe Mom will have luck and win...doubtful but maybe! Mom wants to honor you by doing things we would have done together. I hope that you see Mom is trying so hard today...just to get through this day. Later Mark and Mom will watch a movie before heading to bed. There is a new Disney movie we are going to check out I believe. Mom will probably be tired again like last night so it will be to bed early. Tomorrow is Monday and it is back to the work week. mark goes to the office Wednesday and Thursday and Mom has an appointment Tuesday and a lot of running around to do during the week. We are having friends over next Saturday for a BBQ, swimming and games. Mom will be busy cleaning the house and prepping things. It will keep me busy that is for sure! 

I wrote on your facebook wall this morning that I wanted to share with you. This is what I wrote:

Dear Tyler,

My sweet precious son.... Mom doesn't even know where to start this letter to you today. My heart is shattered so much more today then every other day. I am reliving the horrific scenes in my head of what happened 8 years ago on this very day. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Every hour that goes by I know exactly where I was and what I was saying and doing. This was the worst day of my life EVER. In the early evening, Mom had to make a big decision and the hardest one no Mother should ever have to make. I didn't know what to do even though I had many family by my side. Was Mom doing the right things in honoring you the way you should be & deserved to be? I was listening to the doctors too, but I felt so alone and so sad, angry, hurt, etc... for what needed to be done. For a few minutes I wanted to be selfish but then I kept looking at you and I knew that I couldn't do that. I couldn't sit there and watch you. Mom didn't know if you were suffering so I did the only thing I knew... I let you go. At 5:35pm your heart stopped and I lost you. I lost me. Everything went silent. I was numb. I was in a fog of what just happened. I couldn't move but yet I found myself walking around in circles. I couldn't say anything to anyone. Mom just lost the 1 thing in my life that mattered the most to me. I lost my everything. Every emotion was going through my body but yet I couldn't cry. My body was in shock. Mom remembers the nurse coming in and telling me that we needed to leave for a little while. Mom didn't want to but they made me. When I returned I remember sitting down and just looking at you, talking to you and then the tears flowed freely. Mom thought that maybe when I left and came back it would all be a dream, but it turned out to be a living nightmare...1 that I relive over and over on a daily basis. Mom sat with you for a couple hours. While talking to you Mom wondered if you were able to see me, if you were already in Heaven. I told you to be free, to fly high and never to look back. You deserved it more than anyone I have ever known. You deserved to be without limitations..... to walk, run, jump, and do all that you have wanted to do for so long. It was getting late and I knew that I had to be going but I didn't want to. Mom didn't want to leave you there alone. I started to walk out of the room but my hands clenched the curtain. I started to cry harder. Mark had to pull me away and he told me that everything would be ok but Mom knew nothing would ever be ok anymore.....Not ever!

June 20, 2021, 8 years later.... So much has happened. Mom struggles on a daily basis but Mom would like to think that you are guiding me and helping me through it all.

Mom read somewhere once that when a love one passes on from the physical world they continue growing from the Spiritual side. For this to happen we, in the physical world need to continue to live our lives as necessary. We need to laugh, smile, and as hard as it is we need to continue to move forward. This way you grow, learn, and do all the things you need to do wherever you are. When I read that I knew that I had to do everything possible. Mom would never want to hold you back from anything. I would never want you to have anymore limitations. You had too many, more than anyone should have here in the physical world. I want you to continue to soar, to spread your wings and fly....Mom knows you are doing just that. Mom knows you are completely free & happy.

I miss you so much still....More than words can say. I miss everything about you..... Your smile, your voice, the way you laughed, your beautiful brown eyes and those dang eyelashes that everyone raved about. I miss our talks, playing games with you, our walks, our vacations and yes.. I even miss our fights. Nothing is the same anymore. I am not the same anymore. I never will be again. You were and always will be my HERO!!!! I love you my sweet precious son. To the moon and back and all the way around the world.

I will continue to look to the skies at night time. To see the stars and the moon shining brightly. It lets me know that you are there watching over me & we are still under the same big sky. I will look for your " paintings" too. I will continue to whisper to you as I always do each & every night. I hope you hear me... I hope you listen for Mom's voice. Smile when you hear Mom and I will picture you smiling back at me. Fly high and fly free Tyler. Mom knows you are doing wonderful things wherever you are. You will forever live inside my heart, mind, body, and soul now. You are the Wind Beneath My Wings & my bright shining star that lights the way for me now. xoxoxo

You are and always will be the wind beneath my wings and my hero...just like I said above and how I do every day. I know that you feel it deep in your soul. I know you hear Mom talk to you all the time. I will never stop my sweet precious son. I know you are content how and where you are and have been for 8 years now. I know it hurts you to see Mom hurting on these hard days but I know you get it. It is not easy as I have said but damn I am trying to get through. Bare with me, Tyler. That is all I ask of you. Thank you.

It is after 4 pm and Mom promised that we would have an early dinner for Meme and Bob. I will be back tomorrow with another letter to you. Mom will light a candle this evening for you and I will be whispering to you again so smile for me and I will smile to you. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. You are forever in my heart, mind, body and soul. Come visit me in my dreams if you can tonight. have fun while I sleep. I miss you more than anything, Tyler. More than words can ever express. Until tomorrow comes...please watch over us and keep us safe and healthy. Thank you. Remember you are Mom's bright shining star that lights my path in life now. Thank you my sweet Angel.

Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah 💙

Aber you are my bright shining star that lights the path for me now.