Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Sorry about my such short letter last night. My head was just pounding. Guess I was just tired. I did get a little sleep off and on last night. Taking care of Max is a big job but he is worth it. You know I love him and will make him as comfortable as I can until it is his time to be with you. Then you can throw the ball to Max and play with him. I know you both will be happy to see one another. That makes me smile. Anyways... not much else is new in my life. Weather continues to be in the 100's and humid. It is 7 pm and the sun is shining so bright just like if it was 1 pm. It is crazy! Snickers is doing good. His foot is healed as much as it is going to be. He is behaving and hasn't bit anyone lately...that's a good thing! Mark is well. Working during the week days and studying for several tests at night and on the weekends. He doesn't do much of anything else. Maybe watch tv for a couple hours nightly but that's it. We don't go many places because of Max. All he does is bark when he is alone and the neighbor upstairs has complained several times already so we don't have too much of a choice but to stay around the apartment. Kinda sucks for Mom were I am here all the time. I don't get out much at all. Maybe 1-2 hours a week. Its tough, but I am dealing with it for now. I am still searching for a flat stone and bench for you. I am comparing prices at the moment. I think I will get the flat stone before Winter hits New England and then in early Spring I will get the bench. I hope you will be ok with that. I am trying my best to do whats right. It is hard because I have never done this before. We are getting our storage from NH on September 14th. Been 8 months since I have seen our stuff. It will be great to actually have our things again! I think after that Mom is really going to go look for a job. I need to get out. I need to have adult conversations with others. I am finding that I am alone so much that I have a difficult time going out and being in crowds or just in the public in general. I don't know what to say to folks or hold a conversation. Makes me sad because you & I both know what a people person I am. I guess with everything I am taking 1 day at a time. That is all I can continue to do. I know I will never be the same person I once was when you were alive. That person is gone forever. I am just trying to be a person who is dealing with things as they come. I want to be happy for you as I know you do not like seeing me this way. I am trying to be happy but I need something to make me happy and there is nothing at this time. I am away from all my family & friends, I don't have a job (yet), and I am always home which is depressing enough right there. I promised you that I would continue working on myself and getting to where I need to be and I will. I have never broken a promise to you and I am not going to start now. Just know I am trying. Be there for Mom. You know when I need you. I miss you so much. I love you, Tyler. I wish you a good night and many sweet dreams. Love you to the moon and back. Forever. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah! 

Dear Tyler,

Can't believe that Labor Day weekend is upon us already. Time is really flying by. Everything up North for the beaches & amusement parks close up once again until next May. Here in Texas it is 103 degrees and humid. Guess the weekend will also be hot & humid. Not feeling to well today.. have a major headache, I think I am just really tired, but I wanted to write to you still. Talked to Meme today. She was telling me that she went to visit and talk to you the other day. Aunt Shirley had placed a wind chime at your resting place and Meme said that it was stolen. When I heard this I was s upset. How disrespectful of someone to do this kind of sh*t. You can't do anything about it either because the town says it happens all the time. I am so sorry that someone would disrespect you like this. I love you and so does your family. I will try and write later pumpkin. I miss you so much and love you to the moon and back. Have a great night and sweet dreams. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey there pumpkin. Thursday night and it is so humid for the end of August. I am waiting for what the folks here in Texas keep saying that in September the temps will go down into the mid 80's. Pretty relaxing day for me. Did some more research on moving companies and prices for us to get our stuff. Also looked for another bedroom set for the guest bedroom. Things are starting to fall into place here. Can't wait until it is all done and I can go looking for work. I need to get out and get to know more people and start making friends here. Mark has said a few times that he would like me to work for myself..open my own business. I am digging that. Just don't know what I would want to do and what kind of store. Thinking about it and will get back to you when I make more concrete decisions. Spoke to Grandpa yesterday. He was saying that it was nice during the day but you can tell it is starting to change seasons. Fall is my favorite. Not too hot and not too cold. Just right! I started to hear about all the things my friends are doing back home. Apple picking, leaves are changing, maple syrup making and the yummy candy. Guess it just makes me a little more home sick than I already am. This will be the first Fall that I have ever missed in my whole life. I have always lived in New England so this will definitely be so new to me and such a  change. I know you liked the Fall too. Your favorite holiday is in 8 weeks. Halloween. Not sure how I will take it. Another first for me being away from you and home. I miss you every day but these are the times where it hurts even more. The memories and fun times I will always remember and hold near to my heart, but I always looked forward to making new memories with you. I started this blog to you so that I could have silent conversations with you daily. It was a form of healing for me. I think that some days that's what it does to help me and other days it is just so damn hard to write to you. Whatever my mood is I am not going to stop. I feel much closer to you by writing regardless of my emotions. Some days I smile and laugh while writing and other days I am so sad and I cry all the way through it. I am trying so hard to understand what happened and why it happened the way it did. Time will never heal my pain for losing you but I am trying to learn how to deal with it and just move forward. I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. It just hurts. The pain is so intense...I can't even explain right now...maybe some day just not tonight. I hope that your night is peaceful and quiet. I hope you have sweet dreams. Love you to the moon and back. Continue to be near me and watch over us all. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a good day and you are doing well up there in Heaven. I am sure you are doing many things to keep you busy. I have no doubt in that at all :). So as you can see I added another song on here. One of my friends posted it on her Facebook page for her son who passed last year. I listened to it and it just fit for me to you as well. I know you will love the song. It is from Evanescence....it has a great metal edge to it...just like you love. The lyrics are beautiful! Enjoy listening to it over and over again. I see that it was Ron's Birthday the other day. It was weird to have missed his yearly party up on the mountain. We went to it the last 2 years. Looked at the pics. Seems like everyone had fun and I know that you were there too enjoying the day with them. Jeremy looks good. Haven't spoken to him in awhile but I keep sending him messages on Facebook. I also know you are watching over him and making sure he is being taken care of. He was your best friend. You both watched over each other through the good and bad times. I am so glad that you made a friend like that ( and another friend like Ron ). I wanted to let you know that Mark and I are looking at a Flat Stone for the ground where you are laid to rest. We are looking at the Gray Granite color with your name and dates on it and then in the Spring we will be buying a Gray Granite sitting bench for you. That will have your name, the dates, and a picture of you on it. I hope that you will be proud of the choices that I have made for you. I want you to have the best possible. You deserve it. I love you that much to give you all that I possibly can. I will make sure that you have flowers there at all times too...whether they are silk or real. I know lots of family and friends go to visit you and that makes me happy. I will be making a visit to NH in October so I will be going to visit you every day that I am there and I can't wait. I miss you like crazy and I love you even more. I hope that you have a great night and sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Another rainy day here in Texas. Guess we are getting weather from some tropical storm that is passing through. Not as humid out so I will take it! Today has been a better day for Mom. Got a little sleep last night and I feel better. Got to speak to Meme and Aunt Becky today as well so that made me smile. Sure do miss our family and friends in NH. It hits home when I hear people talking about what they are all doing together.... I say " hey, if I was there I would be with them and doing that too". Just gets lonely at times! I now know what and how you felt when I would tell you things that I did and you were left out when you were at Crotched Mountain. I am so sorry for that. I am sorry that you had to endure that pain for 2 years. You were always on my mind, everyday and spoke about you to many during the day. I was and am so proud of you. You were and still are my everything. I miss you terribly. There are people that I talk to daily that never knew you passed. They are so surprised when I tell them and it hurts even more when the words come out of my mouth. It is those times when reality sinks in for me. I still feel at times you are on vacation and I just can't speak to you. Guess it is a permanent vacation for you in some ways. I can't help feel the pain and void that you are gone, but I can't also help but feel happiness for you. To know you are not living with restrictions and a vent anymore is beyond any words that I could speak. I guess I am going to be selfish once again and say that I just wish I could see it. See you walking, jumping, etc... all the things I haven't been able to see in 20 years. All the things we both missed out on. I have to tell you that if I was given a choice and asked to do it all over again with you.. I would not hesitate... I would do it in a heart beat. That is how much I love you. Unconditional love is what we had for each other. Always... that will never change. I hope that you have a great night pumpkin. Sweet dreams and I will write again tomorrow. Watch over us all like I know you already do. Fly high and free. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Boy the weather matches my mood today...dark, overcast, dreary, (and it is raining for once here in Houston). Today is one of those days that I am having a hard time with your death. I have a lot of these days , but today I just can't seem to shake it. I think it is because all the kiddos went back to school in NH. Several of my friends on Facebook shared the photos of the " 1st day " and I guess it stung. As happy as I am for them, and honestly I am that they get to have these memories and these milestones, it hurt and made me sad. I remember the days doing this with you. School shopping, pictures, the jitters of new teachers, new friends, and the complaining that you had homework the first day of school. I remember every year I would take a picture of you before you went off and you would say " Ahh Mom, do you have to? " I would just take the picture, smile and say one day I will have these to look back on. I didn't think I would be looking back so soon and wising you were not only little again, but still alive. I don't think this emptiness, the loneliness, the sadness, the pain, the hurt will ever go away. I guess I am surprised that I am feeling emotions like these now... a little over 2 months since you passed. I am starting to get angry again. I am mad that the world is spinning, I am mad that everyone goes along like there is not a care in the world, I am mad that I have to go into a store and see parents with their child or children having fun, I am mad that I have to always hear about what my friends are doing with their kids on a daily basis. I am just plain PISSED at everything. I don't want to be because that is not who I am. I am not someone who is bitter. Tyler, you know that I am one to always be happy or at least most of the time. I am always wanting to know how my friends child or children are. I love kids. I hate being bitter that I don't have my son anymore. I am angry that you were taken away from me. I hate being so alone in this world. I want this all to be a very long nightmare and when I wake up you will be with me...the way it was suppose to be in Texas. I am more lost then ever right now. I know you are with me and you can see me. I know you are hurting seeing me this way, and I hate feeling the way I do but I can't lie.. to you or to anyone. I know I have a wonderful support system of friends and family that continue to tell me you are still with me, ask me if I am ok, ask me daily how I am, but honestly I am always alone, no one to really talk to, and as sad as it is I am getting used to it. I am having a hard time being around people and having a conversation. Sometimes I don't want to be near or talk to anyone. I find that when I am around people they get on my nerves and bug me. Ty, I need you. I need your help. I miss you so much. I can't even explain how much I do. I lost the most precious thing in this world to me. I lost you. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you can understand and forgive me for this letter. I don't mean to hurt you or anyone for that matter. I hope you have a good night. Sweet dreams my sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Another weekend has come and gone. Didn't do to much today. We went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. Wait until you hear this Ty... Thought were we doing something nice by taking the pups for a ride because it was cooler out with a breeze, but boy was that the wrong answer and thing to do. We were in there for 1 hour and when Mark went to go get the vehicle because it was a down pour, he was greeted by Walmart security and 2 women that were saying that we were being neglectful and abusing the dogs because they were left in the truck when it was warm. I finally got tired of waiting for Mark so I went looking for him and when I approached the vehicle I saw the same thing... security officer and these 2 bitching ladies. They got all up in our faces and started saying so many things to both Mark and I. I was getting really angry and I told the security officer that 1 of the ladies needed to shut up because I didn't want to hear her talking anymore. The same woman said something that I don't even remember what and I asked her if she was threatening me. I wanted to lose my cool when she said that I was an " animal killer". That really hurt. I am nothing of the sort. The ladies said they were calling the Police on us and that I was " going down ". The security officers said we were fine. The ladies went too far. Guess we shall see what tomorrow brings. I guess I am just upset because anyone who knows me knows I love animals especially my dogs. They are not abused, they are loved and very spoiled. Ugh.... people should just keep there nose on there own face and not butt in or judge anyone before they have or know the facts. I can hear you now, Ty.... saying some pretty colorful words about what happened. Trust me.. Mark n I totally agree! Anyways... that was our day. Not the best but not the worst. I just don't know what to do anymore with Max. I can't leave the apartment because all he does is bark and the lady that lives above us complains about him and now we can't take him with us because of what happened today. I am completely against muzzling animals and using a shock collar, but we didn't know what else to do so we tried them, and honestly they don't work. I can only do what you would want me to do and that is to continue taking care of Max the way that I am. Keeping him comfortable and love him.  
 I hope that you are having a better day and night. I miss you so much. I wish that I could talk to you about all this instead of typing it out. These are the hard times. The extra times I miss. You would make things all better. Just hearing your voice would make it ok. I love you unconditionally. Do me a favor... watch over Mom and Mark alittle extra tonight and the next few days? Thanks pumpkin. 
 Sweet dreams my precious son. To the moon and back and all the stars in between.. that is how much I love you! Always, xoxoxo. Muah!