Hi my sweet son. How are you doing on this Wednesday afternoon? Mom has had her moments already today and throughout the day. Today is June 20th....the day you left the physical world and gained your Angel wings. This is the day that I dread every year for the past 5 years. Mom has been sent many messages on social media and some memories of you. That has been very sweet and Mom is thankful for that. I wrote you something on social media as well and Mom would like to share it on your letter this evening. I hope you have had the chance to read it. Here it is:
Dear Tyler,
My sweet precious son.... Mom doesn't even know where to start this letter to you today. My heart is shattered so much more today then every other day. I am reliving the horrific scenes in my head of what happened 5 years ago on this very day. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Every hour that goes by I know exactly where I was and what I was saying and doing. This was the worst day of my life EVER. In the early evening, Mom had to make a big decision and the hardest one no Mother should ever have to make. I didn't know what to do even though I had many family by my side. Was Mom doing the right things in honoring you the way you should be & deserved to be? I was listening to the doctors too, but I felt so alone and so sad, angry, hurt, etc... for what needed to be done. For a few minutes I wanted to be selfish but then I kept looking at you and I knew that I couldn't do that. I couldn't sit there and watch you. Mom didn't know if you were suffering so I did the only thing I knew... I let you go. At 5:35 pm your heart stopped and I lost you. I lost me. Everything went silent. I was numb. I was in a fog of what just happened. I couldn't move but yet I found myself walking around in circles. I couldn't say anything to anyone. Mom just lost the 1 thing in my life that mattered the most to me. I lost my everything. Every emotion was going through my body but yet I couldn't cry. My body was in shock. Mom remembers the nurse coming in and telling me that we needed to leave for a little while. Mom didn't want to but they made me. When I returned I remember sitting down and just looking at you, talking to you and then the tears flowed freely. Mom thought that maybe when I left and came back it would all be a dream, but it turned out to be a living nightmare...1 that I relive over and over on a daily basis. Mom sat with you for a couple hours. While talking to you Mom wondered if you were able to see me, if you were already in Heaven. I told you to be free, to fly high and never to look back. You deserved it more than anyone I have ever known. You deserved to be without limitations..... to walk, run, jump, and do all that you have wanted to do for so long. It was getting late and I knew that I had to be going but I didn't want to. Mom didn't want to leave you there alone. I started to walk out of the room but my hands clenched the curtain. I started to cry harder. Mark had to pull me away and he told me that everything would be ok but Mom knew nothing would ever be ok anymore.....Not ever!
June 20, 2018, 5 years later...1,825 days without you here with me. So much has happened. Mom struggles on a daily basis but Mom would like to think that you are guiding me and helping me through it all.
Mom read somewhere once that when a love one passes on from the physical world they continue growing from the Spiritual side. For this to happen we, in the physical world need to continue to live our lives as necessary. We need to laugh, smile, and as hard as it is we need to continue to move forward. This way you grow, learn, and do all the things you need to do wherever you are. When I read that I knew that I had to do everything possible. Mom would never want to hold you back from anything. I would never want you to have anymore limitations. You had too many, more than anyone should have here in the physical world. I want you to continue to soar, to spread your wings and fly....Mom knows you are doing just that. Mom knows you are completely free & happy.
I miss you so much still....More than words can say. I miss everything about you..... Your smile, your voice, the way you laughed, your beautiful brown eyes and those dang eyelashes that everyone raved about. I miss our talks, playing games with you, our walks, our vacations and yes.. I even miss our fights. Nothing is the same anymore. I am not the same anymore. I never will be again. You were and always will be my HERO!!!! I love you my sweet precious son. To the moon and back and all the way around the world.
I will continue to look to the skies at night time. To see the stars and the moon shining brightly. It lets me know that you are there watching over me & we are still under the same big sky. I will look for your " paintings" too. I will continue to whisper to you as I always do each & every night. I hope you hear me... I hope you listen for Mom's voice. Smile when you hear Mom and I will picture you smiling back at me. Fly high and fly free Tyler. Mom knows you are doing wonderful things up there. Please remember you are forever in my heart, mind, body, and soul. You are the Wind Beneath my Wings......
Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
June 20, 2018, 5 years later...1,825 days without you here with me. So much has happened. Mom struggles on a daily basis but Mom would like to think that you are guiding me and helping me through it all.
Mom read somewhere once that when a love one passes on from the physical world they continue growing from the Spiritual side. For this to happen we, in the physical world need to continue to live our lives as necessary. We need to laugh, smile, and as hard as it is we need to continue to move forward. This way you grow, learn, and do all the things you need to do wherever you are. When I read that I knew that I had to do everything possible. Mom would never want to hold you back from anything. I would never want you to have anymore limitations. You had too many, more than anyone should have here in the physical world. I want you to continue to soar, to spread your wings and fly....Mom knows you are doing just that. Mom knows you are completely free & happy.
I miss you so much still....More than words can say. I miss everything about you..... Your smile, your voice, the way you laughed, your beautiful brown eyes and those dang eyelashes that everyone raved about. I miss our talks, playing games with you, our walks, our vacations and yes.. I even miss our fights. Nothing is the same anymore. I am not the same anymore. I never will be again. You were and always will be my HERO!!!! I love you my sweet precious son. To the moon and back and all the way around the world.
I will continue to look to the skies at night time. To see the stars and the moon shining brightly. It lets me know that you are there watching over me & we are still under the same big sky. I will look for your " paintings" too. I will continue to whisper to you as I always do each & every night. I hope you hear me... I hope you listen for Mom's voice. Smile when you hear Mom and I will picture you smiling back at me. Fly high and fly free Tyler. Mom knows you are doing wonderful things up there. Please remember you are forever in my heart, mind, body, and soul. You are the Wind Beneath my Wings......
Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Mom wrote that from the heart. I know everyone can feel my emotions with it. Meme called me earlier and said that it made her cry. She said that Mom needs to write a book because I know just the right way to say things. That was very nice of her to say and nice to hear as well. Megan also wrote something to you that I wanted to share as well. In her message she talks about Mom giving her a picture. It is of you, her, Chris and Ramon when you 3 were so little. It must be back in 2001 so 17 years ago. Here is what she said to you:
Hard to believe today is 5 years since u went to heaven. I still remember the night I got the message like it was yesterday. Such a bright young soul taken too soon, but I hope you're up there causing chaos like I know u still would be here. My brats would have loved you! They will know who u are tho. I have to thank your mom ( Sheri Hess ) for sending me this photo. We were so little. And I still talk about the SpongeBob balloon incident all the time, it makes me giggle a lot. And I'm thinking of your mama today she's a strong lady and we talk about u all the time. Love you T fly high
That was so sweet and special. I know you are smiling down on us all and if I know you, you are also shedding some tears. You were and still are loved by so many of us...family and friends. No one loves you more than Mom though. No one misses you more than I do either. Mom has had a candle lit for you all day today so I hope that you have seen it burning. I think I may have to get another candle though as that one is almost done. Mom plans on burning it until I go to bed tonight. Mom will be whispering to you as well later so I hope you smile when you hear my voice. Mom will force a smile just for you today. It is kind of hard. I have basically been in a fog all day long. Kind of numb really.
Mom has updates for you but they will wait until tomorrows letter to you. Today is all about you and how Mom feels without you. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. I miss you like crazy my sweet precious son. You will always be my hero and the wind beneath my wings. Forever you will live inside my heart, mind, body and soul. Mom decided today to honor you in the way I knew how... with some of your favorites for insistence: Breakfast consisted of your favorites: Eggs and Bacon, Mom's snack this afternoon was Popcorn and tonight for dinner it will be Pizza. Maybe if I am not full dessert will be Ice Cream. I hope all these things make you smile as Mom remembers you not jut today but every day. I hope tonight you will get the chance to visit me in my dreams when I am sleeping. Mom sure would love that so much. Thank you pumpkin. I will be back tomorrow afternoon as I have an appointment for my nails in the morning. Please continue to fly high and free as I know you are and have been now for 5 years. Watch us all just like I know you do. Thank you for that. Mom will be back tomorrow so until then....good night and sweet dreams.
Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Here is the daily prayer of the day:
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:8–9, NIV
Mom has updates for you but they will wait until tomorrows letter to you. Today is all about you and how Mom feels without you. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. I miss you like crazy my sweet precious son. You will always be my hero and the wind beneath my wings. Forever you will live inside my heart, mind, body and soul. Mom decided today to honor you in the way I knew how... with some of your favorites for insistence: Breakfast consisted of your favorites: Eggs and Bacon, Mom's snack this afternoon was Popcorn and tonight for dinner it will be Pizza. Maybe if I am not full dessert will be Ice Cream. I hope all these things make you smile as Mom remembers you not jut today but every day. I hope tonight you will get the chance to visit me in my dreams when I am sleeping. Mom sure would love that so much. Thank you pumpkin. I will be back tomorrow afternoon as I have an appointment for my nails in the morning. Please continue to fly high and free as I know you are and have been now for 5 years. Watch us all just like I know you do. Thank you for that. Mom will be back tomorrow so until then....good night and sweet dreams.
Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Here is the daily prayer of the day:
But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:8–9, NIV
Lord God Almighty, bring in the day, the day of Jesus Christ, through whom we shall be united. Then we shall recognize each other as fellow citizens, as brothers and sisters, and we shall have peace on earth. Give your Spirit anew, O Lord our God. Free and enlighten every heart so that each person can acknowledge the Word you have given and hold fast to all your promises, even in dark and troubled times. Be with us. Be with our people. Help us in our times, O Lord God. We wait for you. We await your peace, a new peace – not the old peace, not a return to comfort and selfish desires, but your peace – which shall bring us into the life of heaven, where we find Jesus Christ, the Living One, our Shepherd and Leader. Amen.
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