Dear Tyler,

Today was a better day for Mom. My cold is going away and the cough is all I have now. Should be gone altogether in the next 2 days. I have decided to take your FB and put it into a Memorial page for you. I hope you don't mind. I think that with all that is going on with me right now.. I am going to start using your " new " page as my blog. That way friends and family can just go to that & they will be able to comment and post things as they want as well. I have asked for all game and other requests to stop. Only new friend requests can be added. I really hope you understand why I am doing this. I guess it is a policy of FB that if an account is not used after some time then it will be automatically deleted. I don't want this to happen so this was the only thing I could think of. I know in my heart that you are ok with this. I want to keep your memory alive in all of our family & friends. I want people to share more memories with Mom. I want to hear all the crazy laughs and stories they have of you. I can hear you now...Oh Mom... laugh while rolling your eyes & you would give me that Cheshire Cat grin of yours. You are missed by so many people. Some people didn't even know that you passed away. They moved away and life happened and were out of touch with us. I can't believe that in 4 days you have been gone for 3 months. My heart aches at the thought of this and even more every day. The tears still flow all the time. Some days I am in denial until something has to remind me that it is all real. Yesterday, a girl that I went to school with lost her son to a fatal car accident. I don't know what happened but that family is going through all that we did when we lost you. She posted on her FB page that she laid in his bed last night and just cried. She can't imagine her life without her son. My heart cried for her because I can relate. I know what she is going through. I didn't know her son but his name is Ryan Heino. If you see him..show him the ropes up there. Tell him to show his Mom a sign to let her know he is ok and safe. Hearing all this just brings everything back again for Mom. The emotions are still so raw for me. I don't know if that will ever change but I am giving it my best shot every day. I miss you dearly. I love you so much. I hope that your night is as wonderful as you want it to be. Sweet dreams my precious son. With all my love to you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hello my sweet son! I hope you are having a good Sunday. Mom is still under the weather but each day is getting better I think. I am making sure I take my medicine and drinking a lot of water. I have the cough now and it really hurts. Anyways.... I am watching football again. Cowboys played the Chiefs... they lost by 1 point. Your boys played today too. Packers won and so did the Dolphins. Lucky day for you for football :). Mom is just relaxing and watching tv. Don't really feel like doing much of anything else. I just want to get rid of this cough and cold. I am hoping that this week I will be finished with it and can start doing the things I need to do. I am still waiting for our storage and things to get here. It has been in transit for the past 7 days. Don't know where it is at and when it will arrive. I am hoping soon. I really want my stuff. It will be nice seeing it again after 8 months in storage. Aunt Becky and Uncle John will be coming for a visit soon too. They will be here in less than 1 month. It will be so nice to see people that I know. I am really home sick. I am reading all about my friends and family back home enjoying the Fall weather and apple picking and baking. I miss it. I miss doing those things with you. I miss having the house smell up with yummy scents and you drooling and saying you can't wait to taste it all. I miss your sense of humor. I miss our lazy Sundays. I just completely miss you. I found this poem the other day and it fit so well. I am going to find it and post it on here. When you read it you will know what I am talking about. I love you so much, Tyler. The void I have is like no other. No one will ever be able to fill it. I don't feel complete anymore. I had the one thing I loved more than anything leave this world. Part of me is gone. That part of me will never come back. I will never be the person that everyone knew before. That person died the day you did. I am trying to learn to live without you still. This is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face and do. I am trying to be the Mom that you want me to be still. I want to make you proud. I want to do my best for you...always! I hope that you have a great night and you have many sweet dreams. Tonight when I am walking the dogs I will look up to the sky and smile and wonder where you are... just like I do every night. Continue to watch over us all. Be with me all the time and give me a sign from time to time to let me know you are with Mom. I love you with all my heart. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey Pumpkin! Mom is so sorry that it has been a few days again since I have written to you. I caught a nasty cold and have not felt good at all. Still really stuffy and congested but I wanted to take a few minutes to write to you. I was missing it. I know it probably sounds silly but I feel so much closer to you when I write you a letter. It is coming up to that time of the month where I have a hard time. Seems like the middle of every month since you passed is so hard for me to handle. Everything just comes rushing back to me. The horrid calls, the delayed flights, and watching the hardest thing ever in my life happen. I miss you so much. I look at your pictures all the time. I miss your face, your voice, and I miss your smile. I just plain ole miss you. I wish Heaven had a phone so I could call and talk to you daily. I want to know what you are doing. I want to know what Heaven is like. I want to know everything. I want to know how you spend your day and night. Guess that is the Mom in me. I need to know. I know you are happy, but I just wish I could know more about you now. I love you so much. More than any words could say or express. 
 I see that Megan went to visit you a couple weeks ago. She left you a butterfly. I had heard someone did but I didn't know it was her until she posted it on FB. I thought that was so sweet. She said it... just doesn't seem real. She is right. It doesn't seem real at all until I come across something that reminds me that it did happen... that it is real. It just sucks! I am trying to not get angry because it doesn't get me anywhere, but boy is it hard. I want you to know that I can and never would be mad at you. I am so proud of you and all that you fought. You were and still are my Hero. I am just mad at the situation. I wonder why you had to go through all the ordeals that you did in your short life here with Mom. I wonder why we had to go through so many hard times. Why we missed out on all the things that Mothers and sons get to do together. Why I had to lose my precious son so soon. On the other hand... I am more than thankful and proud to have you as my son. I am thankful for the times we did have and all the memories we got to share and make. I am thankful for having you for 22 years when it could have been so much less time. My emotions are all over the place. It is like a roller coaster. I find myself smiling and laughing at some of the things we said and did. The other day I laughed out loud remembering when we used to play the mini golf game. I remember you laughing at me when I would miss and you would get a hole in one. I remember the mini golf 2 game with the letters. Oh how we would b*tch at how many times we have to do it over...lol! Every picture I see it brings back the memories to when and where we were and where it was taken. Sometimes I dislike my mind and memory with things but in these times I am so glad for it. I am so happy that my mind works like it does and I can remember all the details. I never want to forget anything about you. I want to remember everything. You will always be in my mind and forever in my heart. I love you so much. Always and forever. I hope you have a great night and have so many wonderful and sweet dreams. Please be with me and watch over me as I know you do. Continue to watch over our family and friends too. I will write again tomorrow. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey Buddy! I hope you are having a good day today. For Mom it is definitely a Monday for sure. What cold go wrong has and it just seems to be getting worse. I am so tired of the dark black cloud hanging over my head. I try to stay positive and have a good attitude but it is really hard when others are always want to knock you down every way that they possibly can. It hurts and it is sad. I know I will be ok because I have you watching over me and I have you by my side. I hope you got a chance today to go see Grandpa for his Birthday. I spoke to him earlier and he said he was having a great day. The weather was not too hot, not too cold, it was just right. I was happy to hear that. He deserves a wonderful day. Like I said before he goes to visit you often. He doesn't show it to any of us but I know he misses you so much. I know you already know this. He loves you and was always so proud of you...as we all were and still are. You are missed so much. I can't even express how much. I guess everyone in NH is getting used to enjoying the Fall Season. The weather has been much colder than normal. Guess it got down to 30 degrees the other night and the mountains even got snow. I was surprised. That's even cold for September. Everyone back home is enjoying the apple picking, the baking, and the crisp air. I never thought I would say this but I miss it too. I said I wanted something different. I wanted a change but I guess after 8 months I just want to return to what I know. I miss the usual, the normal, what I have always known in my life. I am trying to get used to the hot, the humid, the rain, and the tornado's. Every day it seems that I am missing you, friends and family more and more. Time is not making it easier. It is getting harder. It sucks. It makes me sad. I miss you so much. Words can't even describe it. I know you know and feel it. I am trying so hard but I won't pretend or live a lie. That is not me. I am going to continue to search for your star. I want to find it so bad. I think it will make me feel closer to you in some ways. I am going to try and look at it later this evening. I want to take pictures of it and frame it so I have it forever. I hope you go to your Star and visit it often. I hope you like it! I hope you have a great night and have many sweet dreams. I love you unconditionally. I always will. Take care my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi buddy! Night time is here and it is sure cooling down, but nothing like it is in NH. We have had a fair amount of rain the last several days. It is a nice change, but it is never a steady rain fall. Either it is a down pour or nothing. Never anything in between...lol. Anyways.... I found this really cool app on my cell phone that is called Star Chart. I have looked at it a little but want to search more. I am hoping that I can get and set the coordinates to your star and see it. I would love to take a picture of it and frame it next to your certificate. It would mean a lot to Mom. I miss you so much. I was told today by someone special that it was OK to miss you and talk about you. I started to cry because I miss you every second of every minute of every day and I think of you always. You already know I talk to and about you all the time. I found some more pictures of you and Mom. I got some frames and will be placing them around the apartment tomorrow. I love looking at all of them and remembering the memories that we got to share. It makes me smile and I need that. Oh yeah... just want you to know that the Cowboys are playing right now. Yup... I can so hear you tell me that they suck! So far... 1st quarter and they are tied with the Giants. I know I know... but you know I like them. I will keep you posted on the Dolphins for ya! I can see you roll your eyes and tell me that they are going to lose...which most of the time you are right..lol! I wanted to remind you to go see Grandpa tomorrow and say hello. It is his 70th Birthday. Make sure you let him know you are there. He goes to see you often and he misses you so much. We all do. I hope you have a great night and you have sweet dreams. I love you with all my heart pumpkin. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin. I am so sorry that I haven't wrote to you in 3 days but I don't need to tell you what has been going on because you see all and hear all now. I know you understand and I know you would want me to take care of myself. This last week has been quite trying on me physically, emotionally, & mentally. So many changes that I had no idea would take place and today just makes things more difficult. I know I have told you about the complaining that the neighbor has had about Max since being here. Well, today it went way too far. I received a call that stated that the neighbor called the corporate office and she got Mom evicted. This is not cool. I can't afford to move so the corporate office said that I needed to get rid of Max or I would have to leave. I am so upset that this woman would do this to someone because she didn't like the barking when I wasn't home ( which is only 3 hours a week ). I am so sad that I have been given a choice that is beyond what I feel is unfair. I guess I just can't wrap my head around all this. Ya know, my life has just turned upside down since you passed and I just keep getting a friggin black cloud over my head that won't go away. I have had so much disappointment and loss in the last 2 months and now more loss... just is NOT fair. I hate this. I am so sorry because I know you loved Max as I do. My life is empty now and will be even more now that I will lose him too. I need to ask you for something so important to Mom. I ask you to please come for Max and be with him. Take him with you so that you both can be together and play. He has been ill for 6 weeks now and I know his quality of life was not much more. If he goes naturally it would be easier for Mom. Please Tyler. I know this is a lot to ask you , but I know you understand where I am coming from. I know some people will think I am being crazy, but that's ok. They haven't been put in this situation and I hope no one ever is. Enough of this.... Even though I have not been writing to you, I have been talking to you on a daily basis and telling you about my day and what is going on. I miss you so much. I love you beyond any words can express. I know you have been near me because I could feel you. It is so important to know that you are watching over me and keeping me safe. Thank you so much. I hope that you have a great night and sweet dreams. Please continue to watch over and protect Mom and the rest of the family. I promise to start writing every day again. I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I am so sorry that I didn't write to you the last couple days but things here have not been well for me as you are already aware of. I feel like sh*t for not writing, but my emotions were running high already and I was just having a difficult time with it all...still am. I am so sorry in so many ways. I know that I told you I would be alright and you had others promise you that I would be taken care of. Unfortunately, sometimes promises are broken and people change. I can't undo what people feel or how I feel so I guess it is what it is. I have no other choice but to move forward and keep my head held high. I know in time I will be ok. Right now it just hurts like hell. I am not sure how to get over this hurdle and move forward and then to still grieve losing you. It is too much to bare. I ask you to please be with Mom. I need you. I miss you so much. I love you. I know this is another short letter and I am sorry but I haven't slept much in the last few nights and I am tired. I continue to have this massive headache and I can't stop crying.. the keyboard is blurry. I promise to write more later today..it is almost 1 am now. Sweet dreams my precious son. To the moon and back is how much I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!