Dear Tyler,
Hey my sweet son! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. I can't believe that it is the end of September and it is still 90 degrees outside here. So hot and humid still. NH is getting the Fall weather and even some Winter weather right now. Meme and Grandpa keep me posted on it all. Sure do miss them like crazy. Never been away from NH or family for this long. It is so weird to be away from everything that I have ever known. I am still getting things prepped for a long weekend trip back home very soon. I plan to see as many friends and family as I can in a few short days. I promise to stop and visit with you every day. I can't wait to get your " ground stone " put in. I am still debating on the color... black or gray granite. I think you would like the black granite better but it will have to depend on the cost. With Mom not working it is kind of hard to do things. I am hoping that will change soon too. I plan on going to look for work very soon. Look out for Mom on this..will ya??? Thanks pumpkin! I miss you so much. So many times I go to pick up the phone or to turn on skype to chat with you. It is then everything becomes a huge reality for me that you are really gone. These 3 months have been the longest in my life ever. I miss my little boys voice. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your attitude. I miss your sense of humor. I just miss you every second of every minute of every day. My life is just not the same without you in it. I have a such a huge void that will never close or be filled. That was the bond you and I had together. Mother and Son... there is nothing like it in the world. The blessings you gave me will always be held so close to my heart and soul. The memories I will always cherish. I wish nightly that I could have 1 more day with you. To tell you things I never could, to hold you, to hug you, to kiss your sweet face, but the problem with that is I would never want that day to end. That would be Mom being selfish. I hope that Heaven knows just how lucky they are to have you up there with all of them. I envy the Angels. I really do. Tonight... I will look to the sky and tell you I love you. I hope you go to your star on a regular basis and think of Mom. I love you with all my heart. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hello my precious son! I hope you had a great day. I finally finished unpacking all the boxes today. I think I did pretty good... took me 4 days to do it all. Not bad if I do say so myself. All that is left to do is put up the pictures on the walls and we are completely done. Aunt Becky & Uncle John will be coming soon for a visit and bringing Mom's car down. That will be nice. I will enjoy being able to get out when I want and go shopping or whatever. I am gong to start looking for a job as well now that everything is finished here. Need to go shopping this weekend for a computer desk and a couple chairs to finish up the office. I wish you were here like you were suppose to be. I had almost everything set up for you to come down here to live. I know that you see the apartment and me but it just isn't the same. Today when I was putting away more things I found your Goofy Xmas Stocking. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes and remembered the time when he got it in Florida. Every picture has a memory with it that I remember so vividly. In my mind I can turn the clock back to when it was taken or when we were somewhere and bought something. I love my mind for those times! I hope I never loose that ability. It is another way that keeps me close to you. I miss you more than words could ever say and I know you know this but I will NEVER stop telling you or reminding you. You will forever be close to me and in my heart.
I am going to go through the pictures and do a collage of you. There are just so many to choose from. Maybe I will do a couple of them. I hope when you see them you will say I did you proud. I just want you to be happy! That is all I have ever wanted. I hope you are doing all that you want to and then some. I hope you are flying high and flying free. I hope you are never bored and you are learning so much up there in Heaven.
Your favorite Holiday is coming up. Did you see the Jack thing I posted to your FB page yesterday? Your favorite! I wonder what Halloween will be like here. I have always wondered how it is celebrated in other states. Guess I will be finding out! This weekend when we go shopping I will have to look for Candy Corn or that Harvest Mix with the big pumpkins in it! Remember last year when I brought a couple bags and we ate it all day long? Boy I was so sick that night..lol. They are so good so it was worth it.
Well, I hope that you have a wonderful night. When we walk the dogs I will look to the sky and say hello just like I always do. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Sweet dreams my son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hello my precious son! I hope you had a great day. I finally finished unpacking all the boxes today. I think I did pretty good... took me 4 days to do it all. Not bad if I do say so myself. All that is left to do is put up the pictures on the walls and we are completely done. Aunt Becky & Uncle John will be coming soon for a visit and bringing Mom's car down. That will be nice. I will enjoy being able to get out when I want and go shopping or whatever. I am gong to start looking for a job as well now that everything is finished here. Need to go shopping this weekend for a computer desk and a couple chairs to finish up the office. I wish you were here like you were suppose to be. I had almost everything set up for you to come down here to live. I know that you see the apartment and me but it just isn't the same. Today when I was putting away more things I found your Goofy Xmas Stocking. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes and remembered the time when he got it in Florida. Every picture has a memory with it that I remember so vividly. In my mind I can turn the clock back to when it was taken or when we were somewhere and bought something. I love my mind for those times! I hope I never loose that ability. It is another way that keeps me close to you. I miss you more than words could ever say and I know you know this but I will NEVER stop telling you or reminding you. You will forever be close to me and in my heart.
I am going to go through the pictures and do a collage of you. There are just so many to choose from. Maybe I will do a couple of them. I hope when you see them you will say I did you proud. I just want you to be happy! That is all I have ever wanted. I hope you are doing all that you want to and then some. I hope you are flying high and flying free. I hope you are never bored and you are learning so much up there in Heaven.
Your favorite Holiday is coming up. Did you see the Jack thing I posted to your FB page yesterday? Your favorite! I wonder what Halloween will be like here. I have always wondered how it is celebrated in other states. Guess I will be finding out! This weekend when we go shopping I will have to look for Candy Corn or that Harvest Mix with the big pumpkins in it! Remember last year when I brought a couple bags and we ate it all day long? Boy I was so sick that night..lol. They are so good so it was worth it.
Well, I hope that you have a wonderful night. When we walk the dogs I will look to the sky and say hello just like I always do. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Sweet dreams my son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi pumpkin! I am so sorry that Mom has not written to again in 3 nights, but as you know and can see I have been busy opening and putting away our belongings the last 3 days. It is so nice to see our things again after they have been in storage for the last 8 months, but boy am I old... I am in so much pain from bending and stretching from it all...lol! There have been a lot of emotions running through me as well. Many smiles and tears of happiness and sadness too as each box is opened. I have enjoyed looking at photos that I had forgot about. I found all the cards you gave me through the years and read each one. I have all the paintings that you too. I am going to buy some new frames and hang them on the walls in the apartment. I found your little blue blanket you used to lay your head on when you went to bed. I put it up to my face and noticed it still smelled like you. That made me smile. Oh yeah... I found " Binky " aka.." Stinky Binky " too. Laughed out loud when I saw the patch marks from when Dee caught it on fire in the microwave. I can hear you laughing now. Wasn't too long ago that we were talking about that and laughing. I sure do miss those times. I miss you. So many memories of us and family and friends through the years. I almost forgot.... What else did I find???? You got it the TMNT School Bus & Shredder! I remember you wanted that bus so bad. You were so patient for 3 weeks until Mom could afford it. One of the best $40.00 I ever spent. Your face was priceless when I gave it to you! Thank you for all the wonderful times. All the talks we had through the years. The pictures, letters, cards, paintings. I cherish them. I cherish you.
I wanted you to also know that I have contacted Facebook to have them Memorialize your profile page. This way nobody can go into it and do anything. It is a safe haven for all to post things to you. No one can be deleted from your page and unfortunately no one can be added either. I hope I made the right choice. I just want to Honor you in the right way. The way you deserve to be. You were a Hero to so many people. Family, friends, and to folks you never knew. You still are our Hero. When times get tough for Mom.. I think of you and all that you went through. I still draw strength from you. I know I always will. We may be separated from the physical world but we will always be connected. I feel it!
I am going to close this letter for now and get some much needed rest. I hope you have a wonderful night. My you have sweet dreams my precious son. I miss you and I love you so much. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi pumpkin! I am so sorry that Mom has not written to again in 3 nights, but as you know and can see I have been busy opening and putting away our belongings the last 3 days. It is so nice to see our things again after they have been in storage for the last 8 months, but boy am I old... I am in so much pain from bending and stretching from it all...lol! There have been a lot of emotions running through me as well. Many smiles and tears of happiness and sadness too as each box is opened. I have enjoyed looking at photos that I had forgot about. I found all the cards you gave me through the years and read each one. I have all the paintings that you too. I am going to buy some new frames and hang them on the walls in the apartment. I found your little blue blanket you used to lay your head on when you went to bed. I put it up to my face and noticed it still smelled like you. That made me smile. Oh yeah... I found " Binky " aka.." Stinky Binky " too. Laughed out loud when I saw the patch marks from when Dee caught it on fire in the microwave. I can hear you laughing now. Wasn't too long ago that we were talking about that and laughing. I sure do miss those times. I miss you. So many memories of us and family and friends through the years. I almost forgot.... What else did I find???? You got it the TMNT School Bus & Shredder! I remember you wanted that bus so bad. You were so patient for 3 weeks until Mom could afford it. One of the best $40.00 I ever spent. Your face was priceless when I gave it to you! Thank you for all the wonderful times. All the talks we had through the years. The pictures, letters, cards, paintings. I cherish them. I cherish you.
I wanted you to also know that I have contacted Facebook to have them Memorialize your profile page. This way nobody can go into it and do anything. It is a safe haven for all to post things to you. No one can be deleted from your page and unfortunately no one can be added either. I hope I made the right choice. I just want to Honor you in the right way. The way you deserve to be. You were a Hero to so many people. Family, friends, and to folks you never knew. You still are our Hero. When times get tough for Mom.. I think of you and all that you went through. I still draw strength from you. I know I always will. We may be separated from the physical world but we will always be connected. I feel it!
I am going to close this letter for now and get some much needed rest. I hope you have a wonderful night. My you have sweet dreams my precious son. I miss you and I love you so much. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi my sweet precious son. Today is a hard day for Mom as you know. Again.. I didn't sleep well because my head was remembering all the nightmares of what happened. In a couple hours ( my time ) it will be 3 months since you left this physical world. The worst day of my entire life was losing you. I have so many questions about those days that will never get answered. Sometimes I am haunted of the unknown of what you went through, what was going through your head, were you scared, were you in pain, and so much more. I am so sorry that you had to do this without Mom. I know you were with a nurse from the facility and not alone but I just wish I was there. I wish that I could of held your hand. I wish that you could have heard my voice those days. I feel so much guilt for being so far away from you. I was there for you during your whole life and when you needed me the most I wasn't there and so many miles from you. It hurts me and I am not sure how to cope or deal with these emotions. I don't know but what I do know is I am not going to go back on my word. Every day I am going to celebrate my life and keep you alive as well. I am going to celebrate you by talking about you, reminiscing about our wonderful times together, laughing and smiling for me and for you. I know you don't want me to have the guilt or sadness. I know you want me to enjoy my life for now until we are reunited once again in Heaven. I need you near me. I need you watching over me. I need to know you are with Mom. I need signs to know you are here. This is what I ask of you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I always will. Like I have said before... you were my whole world and you still are. I can't and won't change that. I never will. I hope you get to have a wonderful evening with so many sweet dreams. I will look up to the sky this evening like I always do so be watching and waiting for me. I miss you so much and love you so much more. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi my sweet precious son. Today is a hard day for Mom as you know. Again.. I didn't sleep well because my head was remembering all the nightmares of what happened. In a couple hours ( my time ) it will be 3 months since you left this physical world. The worst day of my entire life was losing you. I have so many questions about those days that will never get answered. Sometimes I am haunted of the unknown of what you went through, what was going through your head, were you scared, were you in pain, and so much more. I am so sorry that you had to do this without Mom. I know you were with a nurse from the facility and not alone but I just wish I was there. I wish that I could of held your hand. I wish that you could have heard my voice those days. I feel so much guilt for being so far away from you. I was there for you during your whole life and when you needed me the most I wasn't there and so many miles from you. It hurts me and I am not sure how to cope or deal with these emotions. I don't know but what I do know is I am not going to go back on my word. Every day I am going to celebrate my life and keep you alive as well. I am going to celebrate you by talking about you, reminiscing about our wonderful times together, laughing and smiling for me and for you. I know you don't want me to have the guilt or sadness. I know you want me to enjoy my life for now until we are reunited once again in Heaven. I need you near me. I need you watching over me. I need to know you are with Mom. I need signs to know you are here. This is what I ask of you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I always will. Like I have said before... you were my whole world and you still are. I can't and won't change that. I never will. I hope you get to have a wonderful evening with so many sweet dreams. I will look up to the sky this evening like I always do so be watching and waiting for me. I miss you so much and love you so much more. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. Think I over did the workout video a little. I am sore all over...lol! I am all stuffy again too. Hopefully I am not getting sick again. I am hoping it has to do with not sleeping all that much last night. Seems to be the same thing each month since you passed. I don't sleep well on the 18th, 19th & 20th of the month. Maybe it is because the 18th was the last time we got to talk to each other and the other 2 days would be the phone calls, the traveling, and the worst day of my life. Reality sets in & I remember the horror of it all. I know it will be this way for a very long time but like I told you yesterday I am going to choose to not be depressed or mope around anymore. I am choosing to celebrate you every day by letting you see Mom smile and laugh and learn to enjoy life again. I want to make you proud. I want to do what I know you would want for me. I love you with all my heart. I know that there is no sadness, negativity, or pain in Heaven. I know you are happy and I want to make you even happier!
I wanted to say thank you for last night. When I went outside to walk the pups I looked up to the sky and saw the clouds like I never have before. The pattern was incredible. It was so cool with the Full Moon. Because of the clouds I only saw 3 stars twinkling bright. I smiled and said I loved you and missed you. I also said you were busy up there making the designs. I couldn't get over them so I went in and got my camera to capture the sky. The pictures came out pretty good. Thanks again pumpkin. You are simply amazing!
Everything else seems to be ok. Talk to Meme and Grandpa and Aunt Becky weekly. It makes me feel closer to home. I need that and I think they need it as well. The weather here is still so freakin hot. It is still in the high 90's and humid during the day and middle 70's at night. It rained so hard and heavy this morning and afternoon. It was crazy! Now it is sunny and humid again..lol!
I hope that you continue to have a wonderful afternoon, evening and night. I ask that you continue to watch over Mom and everyone else. Please help us to be safe and healthy. Protect us when we need it. I miss you so much. I love you forever and always. Fly high and free my sweet son. I will work on doing the same. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey pumpkin! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. Think I over did the workout video a little. I am sore all over...lol! I am all stuffy again too. Hopefully I am not getting sick again. I am hoping it has to do with not sleeping all that much last night. Seems to be the same thing each month since you passed. I don't sleep well on the 18th, 19th & 20th of the month. Maybe it is because the 18th was the last time we got to talk to each other and the other 2 days would be the phone calls, the traveling, and the worst day of my life. Reality sets in & I remember the horror of it all. I know it will be this way for a very long time but like I told you yesterday I am going to choose to not be depressed or mope around anymore. I am choosing to celebrate you every day by letting you see Mom smile and laugh and learn to enjoy life again. I want to make you proud. I want to do what I know you would want for me. I love you with all my heart. I know that there is no sadness, negativity, or pain in Heaven. I know you are happy and I want to make you even happier!
I wanted to say thank you for last night. When I went outside to walk the pups I looked up to the sky and saw the clouds like I never have before. The pattern was incredible. It was so cool with the Full Moon. Because of the clouds I only saw 3 stars twinkling bright. I smiled and said I loved you and missed you. I also said you were busy up there making the designs. I couldn't get over them so I went in and got my camera to capture the sky. The pictures came out pretty good. Thanks again pumpkin. You are simply amazing!
Everything else seems to be ok. Talk to Meme and Grandpa and Aunt Becky weekly. It makes me feel closer to home. I need that and I think they need it as well. The weather here is still so freakin hot. It is still in the high 90's and humid during the day and middle 70's at night. It rained so hard and heavy this morning and afternoon. It was crazy! Now it is sunny and humid again..lol!
I hope that you continue to have a wonderful afternoon, evening and night. I ask that you continue to watch over Mom and everyone else. Please help us to be safe and healthy. Protect us when we need it. I miss you so much. I love you forever and always. Fly high and free my sweet son. I will work on doing the same. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! Today has been a good day. I wanted to share with you a status post that I did today on FB. Here it is:
Soooo.... the last few days I have done some major soul searching for myself. I sit here alone during the day and can't stop thinking about everything...family, friends, things and people I miss, finding a job, what I am going to do living so far away from everyone I love, etc... the list goes on and on. Friday the 20th will be 3 months since Tyler has been gone. Every day since then I have had heart ache, pain, a void that won't ever be filled, and such an emotional roller coaster ride. I have been in such a depression, sadness, and sick. I know Tyler doesn't want this for me as he looks down on his Mom. He wants to see me smile, laugh, and enjoy the rest of my life. So this is what I am doing from here on in: I am going to smile more, laugh more, love more, and start enjoying my life in the new city that I live in. I realize I will always grieve the loss of my son, I will always miss him and all my family and friends, but I need to move forward. I need to enjoy my new life and where I am. I need to embrace life with a positive attitude. I want Tyler to see my smile, & hear my laugh. Here is to the " new " me. to all my family and friends and THANK YOU for all the help and understanding through this tough time. It means so much to me
I wanted you to know that I needed to make some changes in my life because it was becoming unhealthy for Mom. I know you wouldn't want that so that is what I decided. Physically, I am doing an hour a day of working out and eating healthier. Emotionally & Mentally is where I needed to make the changes and that is why I wrote what I did and what I came up with. I want you to know that I will NEVER get over losing you. I will NEVER not miss you daily or stop loving you. I will NEVER fill the void that I have in my heart, BUT I know you want me to stop being so sad and depressed. I want to continue your legacy not by being sad, but living and enjoying life for myself and for you.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I miss you so much. I know you are doing AMAZING things up there in Heaven. I wouldn't expect anything less from you :). As always... tonight I will look up to the sky and find a star and make a wish for you like I always do. I hope you have a great night my precious sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
PS. Don't forget today is Mark's Birthday. Make sure when he is outside tonight and he looks up in the sky... you are telling him Happy Birthday and you love him by shining the biggest and brightest star that you can. Thanks Tyler! I love you always & forever!
Hey pumpkin! Today has been a good day. I wanted to share with you a status post that I did today on FB. Here it is:
Soooo.... the last few days I have done some major soul searching for myself. I sit here alone during the day and can't stop thinking about everything...family, friends, things and people I miss, finding a job, what I am going to do living so far away from everyone I love, etc... the list goes on and on. Friday the 20th will be 3 months since Tyler has been gone. Every day since then I have had heart ache, pain, a void that won't ever be filled, and such an emotional roller coaster ride. I have been in such a depression, sadness, and sick. I know Tyler doesn't want this for me as he looks down on his Mom. He wants to see me smile, laugh, and enjoy the rest of my life. So this is what I am doing from here on in: I am going to smile more, laugh more, love more, and start enjoying my life in the new city that I live in. I realize I will always grieve the loss of my son, I will always miss him and all my family and friends, but I need to move forward. I need to enjoy my new life and where I am. I need to embrace life with a positive attitude. I want Tyler to see my smile, & hear my laugh. Here is to the " new " me. to all my family and friends and THANK YOU for all the help and understanding through this tough time. It means so much to me
I wanted you to know that I needed to make some changes in my life because it was becoming unhealthy for Mom. I know you wouldn't want that so that is what I decided. Physically, I am doing an hour a day of working out and eating healthier. Emotionally & Mentally is where I needed to make the changes and that is why I wrote what I did and what I came up with. I want you to know that I will NEVER get over losing you. I will NEVER not miss you daily or stop loving you. I will NEVER fill the void that I have in my heart, BUT I know you want me to stop being so sad and depressed. I want to continue your legacy not by being sad, but living and enjoying life for myself and for you.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I miss you so much. I know you are doing AMAZING things up there in Heaven. I wouldn't expect anything less from you :). As always... tonight I will look up to the sky and find a star and make a wish for you like I always do. I hope you have a great night my precious sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
PS. Don't forget today is Mark's Birthday. Make sure when he is outside tonight and he looks up in the sky... you are telling him Happy Birthday and you love him by shining the biggest and brightest star that you can. Thanks Tyler! I love you always & forever!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a really busy day today and doing lots of things up there in Heaven. My day has been going ok. I am actually feeling much better today. Less runny nose and coughing. Thank God for that. I actually got up today and started an exercise routine. It is a 1 hour video that I can do 5 days a week. It really kicked my butt this morning...hahaha! I can hear you laughing. I love the fact that I can still hear your voice in my head. I can hear your laugh and see your smile... I just wish that I could see and hear it all in person. I miss it so much and I miss you every minute. I wanted you to know that I am in the process of really looking for your Flat Stone and getting it ordered and set before the snow starts flying up there in NH. In February I will order your bench and have that ready to be put in and set for Spring. I hope that I will do a good job making the decisions and that you will be proud of what I choose. I still want to make you happy. That is all that I ever wanted for you. This will never change. As I sit here writing to you, Snickers decided to jump up on the couch and put his paws on the keyboard. Guess he wanted to type you something. I asked him if he wanted to and he just wagged his tail like crazy. It was so cute. I know he misses you. Max is still hanging on. He is doing the same. Not any better or not any worse. Just keeping him comfortable as possible. I know that you are with them and watch over your puppies as well as all of your family and friends. Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that you love Mom so much that you are with me all the time or as much as you can be. I love you so much. I know you know just how much that is. I know you knew that when you were here with me and I know you know it now that you are in the Spiritual world. I hope that you have a good night. Many sweet dreams to you tonight. I will write you a longer letter tomorrow. I have to go grocery shopping now. Need to fight the damn traffic..ugh! Love you with all my heart and soul. To the moon & back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a really busy day today and doing lots of things up there in Heaven. My day has been going ok. I am actually feeling much better today. Less runny nose and coughing. Thank God for that. I actually got up today and started an exercise routine. It is a 1 hour video that I can do 5 days a week. It really kicked my butt this morning...hahaha! I can hear you laughing. I love the fact that I can still hear your voice in my head. I can hear your laugh and see your smile... I just wish that I could see and hear it all in person. I miss it so much and I miss you every minute. I wanted you to know that I am in the process of really looking for your Flat Stone and getting it ordered and set before the snow starts flying up there in NH. In February I will order your bench and have that ready to be put in and set for Spring. I hope that I will do a good job making the decisions and that you will be proud of what I choose. I still want to make you happy. That is all that I ever wanted for you. This will never change. As I sit here writing to you, Snickers decided to jump up on the couch and put his paws on the keyboard. Guess he wanted to type you something. I asked him if he wanted to and he just wagged his tail like crazy. It was so cute. I know he misses you. Max is still hanging on. He is doing the same. Not any better or not any worse. Just keeping him comfortable as possible. I know that you are with them and watch over your puppies as well as all of your family and friends. Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that you love Mom so much that you are with me all the time or as much as you can be. I love you so much. I know you know just how much that is. I know you knew that when you were here with me and I know you know it now that you are in the Spiritual world. I hope that you have a good night. Many sweet dreams to you tonight. I will write you a longer letter tomorrow. I have to go grocery shopping now. Need to fight the damn traffic..ugh! Love you with all my heart and soul. To the moon & back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
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