Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet precious son. Today is a hard day for Mom as you know. Again.. I didn't sleep well because my head was remembering all the nightmares of what happened. In a couple hours ( my time ) it will be 3 months since you left this physical world. The worst day of my entire life was losing you. I have so many questions about those days that will never get answered. Sometimes I am haunted of the unknown of what you went through, what was going through your head, were you scared, were you in pain, and so much more. I am so sorry that you had to do this without Mom. I know you were with a nurse from the facility and not alone but I just wish I was there. I wish that I could of held your hand. I wish that you could have heard my voice those days. I feel so much guilt for being so far away from you. I was there for you during your whole life and when you needed me the most I wasn't there and so many miles from you. It hurts me and I am not sure how to cope or deal with these emotions. I don't know but what I do know is I am not going to go back on my word. Every day I am going to celebrate my life and keep you alive as well. I am going to celebrate you by talking about you, reminiscing about our wonderful times together, laughing and smiling for me and for you. I know you don't want me to have the guilt or sadness. I know you want me to enjoy my life for now until we are reunited once again in Heaven. I need you near me. I need you watching over me. I need to know you are with Mom. I need signs to know you are here. This is what I ask of you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I always will. Like I have said before... you were my whole world and you still are. I can't and won't change that. I never will. I hope you get to have a wonderful evening with so many sweet dreams. I will look up to the sky this evening like I always do so be watching and waiting for me. I miss you so much and love you so much more. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!