Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son. How are you doing on this Saturday evening? The weather here is warm & muggy with an overcast sky this evening. Guess it matches my mood. It has been 3 1/2 days since Max has been gone & I am having a hard time with this as you already know. Our neighbors here have been so kind & supportive. They have given us cards. Yup... they have made me cry. There has been so many losses for Mom in 2013 & 2014. First the hardest was losing you, then there was friends of mine lost their children...Ryan, & Nick, then it was Ron, Rick, Amy, another friend lost her daughter Scottie, then Wendy, another friend lost her son, Lucas, & now Max. That list is just to name a few.. there are others that I didn't mention. Family friends ( about 4 of them ).  Sometimes I sit & wonder what the hell is going on. So much sadness in my heart & actually all over the world. Just Thursday another plane from the Malaysia Airlines that was traveling from Amsterdam went down over the Ukraine. I believe that 295 passengers lost there lives, not to mention all the loved ones that are grieving the loss of there family & friends. My heart goes out to each & everyone of them. To know they are just starting the grieving process that I have been going through for over a year now with losing you & now doing it again with losing Max.. I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. It is such a difficult thing to go through. The ups & downs, the highs & the lows, the guilt, the tears, the heartache, the nightmares, the sleepless nights. It all just sucks! I hate it. I wish it was all a nightmare & I would wake up... you would be here & we would be together with Max and of course Mark. We would be living our lives, maybe not in NH but where ever we would still be together, but no... it isn't a dream, it is indeed a living nightmare for Mom. I have to go through my days alone & without you. Not being able to talk to you, hear your voice, see your smile, do all the things we used to do is so hard for me Tyler. I try my best to go through the days, but that is just it.. I just go through the days without much emotion. Not wanting to do anything, nothing seems to bring me joy. Things that mattered to me & what I thought made me happy I don't care to do anymore. I can't get out of this funk that I am in. I don't know what to do anymore. I have so much time on my hands. Now it is even harder because my days lately for the last several months have been caring for Max & now that is taken away from me too. I need you Ty. I need your help & guidance to what I am suppose to do next. Mark has taken me out a few times to just get away but it is just too new & weird for me not to have a time frame to get back home for the pups. I feel guilty & I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. Please guide me in the right direction that I am suppose to be taking now. If I don't see it right off don't get mad but do something so that I know it is a sign from you. Sometimes Mom is not the smartest when it comes to that kind of stuff... hey now don't laugh at me.. I can literally hear you right now  = ] At least that made me smile for a couple minutes! 
 I will be taking Snicks for a walk right after I am done writing to you. I hope to see the moon & stars shining brightly but even if I don't I know you are shining up there brightly doing all the things that you need & are wanting to do. I will whisper to you as I always do. Hope you can hear Mom. I miss you so much my precious son. Hope you & Max are having fun in Heaven. Make sure to give him lots of hugs & kisses from Mom & don't forget the treats! Tell him I love & miss him too!
 Both of you are in my heart, mind & soul... Forever! Always, Mommy xoxoxox. Muah!