Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Thursday late afternoon? Mom has not had a good day at all....as you can see. Mom woke up this morning to messages on my cell phone saying that Uncle Dick had a heart attack around midnight. He is also in the ICU at the hospital with issues with his kidneys & liver. The doctors are concerned about that & today he was suppose to go through an angioplasty to see where the blockage in his heart is. Looks like surgery will be needed & that will happen soon. Andrea was telling Mom that he had a mild heart attack on Monday as well while he was in the hospital & the nurses didn't even know it was going on. When I heard that I was so upset....how can that be???? It brought me right back to what happened to you. The nurses were not doing their jobs then either. I got up this morning & just cried. I didn't know what else to do. So many family members & friends are sick & Mom wishes there was something I could do. I am always the one helping anyone & everyone & I can't do that & I feel so helpless. The holidays are tough as it is & to add these things on top of it just makes it worse. Please be with Mom, Tyler. I need you by my side. Thank you my sweet precious son. 
 Mom hasn't done any of her studies in the last couple of days because I just can't get my head out of this funk. I am tired, I am not really sleeping, so much is going on in my head, my emotions are all over the place & are on overdrive. I have had the chance to chat with Grandpa, Meme, Debbie & Aunt Beck. Every one is doing well. My conversation with Aunt Beck was what I needed. It made me feel better after we spoke. Now, honestly, Mom is just exhausted & I am hoping to crawl into bed early & get a good nights sleep. Mom's friends son had his surgery yesterday. It was a total knee replacement. I am hoping that they were able to remove all the cancer & nothing else will have to happen. I know he has 4 to 6 months of recovery & then 30 to 40 weeks of more chemo. He has a long road ahead of him but he is in good spirits. He is young...14 years old. He reminds me of you. Always in good spirits & always has a smile on his face even when he doesn't want one. Thank you for watching over him for us, Tyler. Mom doesn't have any other updates for you but as promised I have a lot of the daily prayers to catch up on. There are 6 so I will start them now: December 10~ You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your record? One of the worst things about my times of grief & struggle is the feeling that no one knows & no one cares. I feel all alone in a vast wilderness. I toss & turn at night, crying myself to sleep & haunted by a sense of utter loneliness. But that's not really the case, heavenly Father. Like a parent keeping a scrapbook of a child's development, you keep a record of my struggles. You not only see my tears, but you also save them. I can only conclude that I am precious to you, both in my victories & in my struggles. As I go through the necessary challenges of growth, you know & you care. Thank you for being with me. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows. Amen.
 December 11~ I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the Lord. Look upon us, O Lord & let all the darkness of our souls vanish before the beams of thy brightness. Fill us with holy love & open to us the treasures of thy wisdom. All our desire is known unto thee, therefore perfect what thou hast begun & what thy Spirit has awakened us to ask in prayer. We seek thy face, turn thy face unto us & show us thy glory. Then shall our longing be satisfied & our peace shall be perfect. [ The Angels ] fell on their faces before the throne & worshiped God, singing, " Amen! Blessing & glory & wisdom & thanksgiving & honor & power & might be to our God forever & ever! Amen. "
 December 12~ Praise the Lord! Happy are those who fear the Lord, who greatly delight in his commandments. Dear Lord, I'm grappling with these two reactions of " fear " & " delight. " This psalm seems to put them together as if they're synonyms, but they seem completely opposite. I delight in friends & loved ones. I fear terrorists & the IRS. Can I delight in you while still being afraid of you? How is that supposed to work? Maybe " fear" is mainly a recognition that you pay attention to what I do. The way I live my life matters to you. Then " delight " could be knowledge that you help me live right & that you forgive me when I don't. Teach me more, O Lord, about this mixture of emotions. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, " Abba! Father! " it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God. Amen.
 December 13~ The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; the Lord loves the righteous. Consumed by frustration, boxed in at every angle, Unable to do what's necessary to get ahead, Locked in bad relationships, caged by addictions, I turn to you. You set prisoners free. Uncertain where to go next, learning little from the past, Gazing at a hazy future & glimpsing nothing, Looking past the people who love me, Extremely near-sighted, I see only myself, But then I turn to you. You open the eyes of the blind. Thank you, Lord. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Amen.
 December 14~ You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds & your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you. I start adding up your blessings to me, dear Lord & I need a calculator. In fact, your goodness to me multiplies blessings times blessings. I thank you for every one of them. Every smile from someone I love. Every word we exchange. Every breath I draw & every beat of my heart. Every color in the spectrum of an evening sky or a bird's plumage. The taste of my favorite food. The wetness of water on a sweltering day. I thank you for all these things & more. " For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him, to receive a gift in return? For from him & through him & to him are all things, To him be the glory forever. Amen.
 December 15~ I will thank you forever, because of what you have done. In the presence of the faithful I will proclaim your name, for it is good. Now thank we all our God with heart & hand & voices, who wondrous things has done, in whom this world rejoices; Who from our Mothers' arms has blessed us on our way with countless gifts of love & still is ours today. O may this bounteous God through all our life be near us, with ever-joyful hearts & blessed peace to cheer us; and keeps us still in grace & guides us when perplexed; and frees us from all ills in this world & the next. All praise & thanks to God the Father now be given; The Son & him who reigns with them in highest heaven; The one eternal God, whom earth & heaven adore; For thus it was, is now & shall be evermore. Praise the Lord with shouts of everlasting joy. Amen.
 Wow...that was a lot! Mom is finally all caught up with these prayers. The evening sky is upon us & the sky is beautiful. It was so clear last night. I saw the moon. It was almost full. I smiled & whispered to you, did you hear Mom? I will do it again tonight too. Be listening out for my voice. I will try to smile & close my eyes to picture yours. Mom is hoping that your night will be everything that you need & want it to be. Have fun while Mom gets sleep. I am sure there will be an adventure along the way for you as well. Come be with Mom or visit me in my dreams. Thank you. Remember you are always & forever will be my hero, the wind beneath my wings. You live forever in my heart, mind & soul. I miss you beyond anything that I could ever express but I know you feel it within your soul. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. To infinity & beyond. 
 Mom has to get going & do all the night things. I will write again tomorrow so until then.....Good night & sweet dreams.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!


P.S.  We have only 16 days left of 2016 & the we welcome in the new year. Mom has noticed that I have surpassed the 30,000 hits here on my blog. I have readers from United States, France, United Kingdom, Germany, Portugal, Poland, Yemen, China, Kenya & Indonesia. I am humbled at all who read my letters to you nightly. I know I won't ever know who all these folks are but I just wanted to say thank you again for supporting me through this journey, through my constant grief of losing my son. It is not easy to live every day but your support sure helps me. I wish you all many blessings through the rest of this year & in the incoming year.