Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Friday afternoon? Mom is pretty emotional today if I am being honest with you. My head isn't where it should be & because of that I haven't studied at all today or all week for that matter. I was waiting for my books to show up today but they still are not here so I am not sure what is going on with that. Guess I will start fresh next Monday & give myself the weekend to regroup. That is probably for the best anyways. You are probably wondering why I am emotional, huh? Well......
 I don't even know where to start or if I will make any sense to what I write to you. Mom is having a hard time as tomorrow, ( Saturday ) July 29th you would have turned 27 years old. Another day that does not get any easier for Mom. I remember being told that I was pregnant & I had 1 1/2 months left before you were coming. You were suppose to be a July 4th baby but decide you were cozy & comfy & wanted to wait almost 10 months to enter this world. I look back at it now & I giggle but I wasn't then.. it was an extremely hot summer & I was ready & eager to meet you. You gave me one heck of a hard time. After 24 hrs of labor & 12 hours of it was " hard labor " you decided that you still didn't want to come out so I ended up having an emergency c-section because we were both tired & in distress. 
I remember the 1st time I saw your face. I wondered if I was going to be a good Mommy to you, did I know how to as I was only 19 years old. I shed many of tears as I wanted to do all the right things but knew I would somehow make many mistakes along the way. It's funny because I never wanted to be a Mom when I was growing up & when someone asked me if I would ever have children I would say " Nope. " but now that is the 1 thing I miss the most...being a Mom. When you got sick in June of 1994.... our worlds were shattered but through the years we were each others strengths to get through it all. We learned along the way, we made mistakes, I made wrong choices that I thought were the best for you. God know how much I miss you. I didn't think that June 2013 I would have to say goodbye to you. That is a decision that will haunt Mom for the rest of my life. I relive it over & over again in my mind. Since that day Mom is not the same person & I will never be that person again. She left this world when you did. No one should ever have to make the decisions I had to. No parent should ever have to lose their child no matter what age they are. It is not right. It is not the Circle of Life. I hate the fact that I can't ever see you again, hear your voice, see your smile, touch your sweet face. I love you so much. You were my world. You were my everything. You still are. Nothing will ever change that.
I know that you don't celebrate Birthdays anymore but Mom is still going to wish you a Happy Heavenly Early Birthday. You are on my mind a lot these last few days. You are forever in my heart mind & soul. You are my true hero & Mom's wind beneath my wings.
I love you. To the moon & back & all the way around the world. To infinity & beyond & more than all the stars in the sky.
 The years are going by but it is not getting easier for Mom & I don't think it ever will. Mom tries to be strong & sometimes I succeed at it & other times I don't. All I can do is just try my hardest. I know you see the struggles I go through & I know you don't like seeing it at all but it is still part of my grieving process. I will do better in the days to come to be more happier & smile more for you. Mom promises you this!
 Today has been a very quiet day for Mom. Mark went to the office all day long & is still gone. Pups are sleeping & being quiet for a change...lol. Mom did take them for a nice walk earlier & then went to my neighbors to feed her cat & water all her plants again. That was the last time though as she will be back later this evening. Mom enjoyed doing it for her. I wish I could grow things & plants & not kill them like I do. I did try recently to grow a palm tree but that did not work & it ended up like your cactus did. Mom definitely did not inherit the green thumb like Aunt Beck did. Oh well...at least I am still trying...lol! Mom spoke to Meme earlier. She was saying that Bob's appointment was not at DHMC today it was just with his PCP. Guess Mom got confused with that. She said that Bob has lost 4 lbs since last week but his blood pressure is still really high. He is sleeping a lot more than he should be too. He does have a DHMC appointment next month. Mom tried calling Aunt Beck today but I guess I missed them & they already headed out for there vacation. Grandpa called last night & we spoke for a bit. All is well with him & Debbie. Mom is sure to chat with them again during the weekend. We have a skype call this Sunday too with Tubal & Karen. Mark & Mom will be taking it easy for the weekend as Mark has a pretty brutal week coming up for work. He will be doing some major traveling & long long hours. Mom is trying not to worry about that but you know me! Think that is all I have for updates today so here is your daily prayers : 

May you determine to be done with captivity! No more rehearsing your failures or rehashing your critics’ accusations. It’s time to remember God’s love, His faithfulness, and His heart of affection for you. It’s time to put all of your hope in the finished work of Jesus Christ. May you put a flag in the ground this day and declare, ‘My hope is built on nothing less but Jesus’ blood and righteousness!’ Rest in God’s grace. Rely on His love. And rehearse His promises because they’re true for you. Break free from the bondage of others’ opinions and walk free and full of faith this night. 
 May you--above all else--see yourself as someone Jesus loves. May His affection for you heal you in the deepest ways and inspire you like nothing else ever has. May His saving grace and enabling power compel you to dream with Him, believe in Him, and take crazy-faith-steps because of Him. May every lesser voice and every lying circumstance fall by the wayside so that all you hear is His voice in your ear saying, 'This is the way, walk in it.' Nobody's opinion matters as much as God's. Nobody can save, heal, redeem, and refresh like Jesus. Walk intimately with Him today. His will for you is your best-case-scenario.
 Here are a couple quick inspirational quotes for you as well: 
 " Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all other. "
 " No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. "
 Well, Tyler.... Mom needs to be going as I have a few things I need to get done before Mark gets home. I hope that your evening will be everything you need & would like it to be. Have fun while Mom sleeps tonight & if you can please come visit me. Thanks pumpkin! I will whisper to you later like I always do so hope you hear my voice. Smile & Mom will too. I will light a candle for you tonight as well. I will be back tomorrow with another letter to you so until then..... good night & sweet dreams.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!