Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Wednesday afternoon? I hope that all is well in your realm. I always wonder what you are doing, where you go, do you stay busy or are you bored? I wonder what your purpose & job is to do...so many questions that I hope to get answered when I have my next reading done. I hope that you will come through for me again & give me an insight to what you have been up to. I want to hear all about it! The last several nights I have not slept & I have had major nightmares. They are all about you. They all start off with things being happy & wonderful & as the day & evening progress it gets worse until things go terribly wrong & you die. Next I see you as I did when you were in the hospital. It was awful Tyler. I don't know why I am having these nightmares but I wish they would just stop. I don't know if it is because it is the middle of the month & I tend to not sleep well during the 18th - 20th of every month since you passed. It hurts me to have to relive those awful days over & over. If you know what is going on can you please help me out & make it all stop. I miss you& the roller coaster ride of emotions are just sometimes just hard to bare. It is all I can do just to get out of bed & take a shower each day. Sometimes I would say that 50% of the time I don't want to & I just want to lay in bed & not do a dang thing. I don't end up doing that because I know you would be disappointed in me & mad.... I would never want that!
 Today is August 20th... 14 months since you left this life to go to your next calling. Oh how I hate the 19th & 20th of every month now. All the horror of those 2 days always come rushing back as if it was yesterday. I am trying so hard not to be this way but boy is it ever so tough to do. Just bare with me. I have good days & I have bad... just like you used to have. Maybe someday it will get easier, but I don't think it will be today, tomorrow or anytime soon  = [
 I missed writing to you the daily prayer for August 19th so I will do both yesterday & today. Here they are:
 August 19th~ Keep alert, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. Dear Lord, I think I'm doing a pretty good job on your commandment to love my neighbors. But loving my enemies- I'm stuck. I'm having so much trouble loving those I disagree with or dislike, or those who hurt me or who have done me wrong. Please help me to see my way to dealing with them with compassion & love, despite my earthly emotions. If I can see them and their through your eyes, I will be able to treat them as cherished children of God who are, themselves, hurting & in need of love. That is a tough order, & I can only do it with your help. Loving our enemies proves that we belong to God, for he loves everyone, no matter what they have done.
 Such a good one right there. Something I definitely need to work on. I need to forgive a few people for their actions that hurt me when I was only trying to be their friend or trying to love them. Something to to think about & wonder how I can overcome this. 
 Next one... August 20th~ Restore us to yourself, O Lord, that we may be restored; renew our days as of old. God, I feel terribly lost. I'm stuck in a dark place of sadness & hopelessness, & my faith is nowhere to be found. I ask in prayer for your loving assistance- that you may return to me my faith that can move mountains & overcome any obstacle. I have many obstacles to overcome, & I have no idea how to do it. Please help me find that faith reminds me that I'm never alone, that you can get me through this, & that I will be the better for it. The more we seek the light, the brighter it becomes.
 Another good one & so fitting for things that I am going through. I am hoping that with your help too, Tyler that I can start to be the person that everyone new. My fear is.. is that person is gone forever now. It left the day I lost you. Please if you can help me... I would gladly take it & cherish it! Thank you for all that you do for Mom & our family & friends. We all miss you & love you so much!
 We had another crazy weather day here with sun, humid temps, & lots of thunder & lightning. The sky is cloudy but I am hoping that later it will clear enough for me to see the moon & stars shining brightly. If not I will whisper to you. Hope you will be listening out & can hear me. I hope you have a peaceful night & do all that you may want & need to do. I wish you sweet dreams while flying high & flying freely. I miss you so much my sweet son. I love you beyond anything in this world for me. I love you forever unconditionally. Please know you are forever in my heart, mind & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!