Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you today on this Thursday afternoon? Mom is doing as well as can be expected. The weather here is crappy. The sky is gray, cloudy & it is freezing rain outside. I really didn't think that in a million years I would be back here & dealing with all this cold & snow again. When it is snowing the fresh snow fall is really beautiful but that is about it! I didn't really miss anything about New England except for our family & friends. It is really weird... now that Mom is closer to everyone I really feel further away from them. I know that sounds weird & maybe I am not saying it right but I really feel that way. Maybe it is because I am just trying to get used to new surroundings again & while I am doing this life keeps going for everyone else. I hope that the way I feel changes because I also feel that sometimes I think this was the wrong decision for Mark & Mom. I know that everything happens for a reason & I am trying so hard not to question it. I guess time will tell with everything. I have my fingers crossed though. 
 Today has been really weird. Where Mark drives to work each day there were protesters chaining themselves to 1200 lb. cemented barrels & sitting in the middle of the road. Lots of Police trying to break it up. Mark was stuck in the traffic & watching the whole thing. How scary. I wonder all the time what exactly the world is coming to. This is America & there will be protesters regarding so many things but to do this was a little much. Lots of people could have been seriously hurt or worse. I am so glad that Mark got to work late but safe. I am sure you were watching over him so thank you pumpkin. 
 Yesterday when I was writing to you, Snickers gave me a big scare. I was typing away & I looked over to see him sleeping which was no big deal. A few minutes later he jumped up on my leg to let me know he needed something & I jumped. His little eye was bleeding a lot & it was just dripping all over his fur & the carpet. He wouldn't let me touch it so I know he was hurting. I was a wreck. Made me go back to when things happened to you & I didn't know what to do. I was a wreck then too. I tried not to show it to you but there were just so many times. Most of the time I would turn around & wipe the tears from my eyes. It hurt me so much to see you hurting & in pain. I always felt helpless. I never told you that until now but I did. I was Mom... I was suppose to fix anything & everything & sometimes I couldn't. You made a statement one time saying you never really saw me cry.... I cried a lot & still do. I just never wanted you to see me cry. I didn't want you to get more scared then you already were. I wanted to be strong in front of you & to show you I had things under control even when I didn't. I hope you don't hold that against me, Tyler. I hope you forgive me for the decisions that I chose to make. Maybe they were not always right but in my heart I felt they were at that given time. I did my best pumpkin. I really did. I hope that I made you at least 1/2 as proud as you always did for Mom. I was so proud of you...all the time! I still am. 
 Here is the daily prayer for January 15~ If you give others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Father in Heaven, thank you so much for the ability to forgive others of their transgressions. It is a blessing to be able to give others the freedom of mercy. And by giving forgiveness to others, I realize what a wonderful gift you have given me in granting me absolution from my sins. Forgiveness is truly divine, & by offering it to others, you allow me to experience godliness in this human body. When I love others, I am closest to our Lord Jesus Christ in deed & spirit. Love & forgiveness walk hand- in- hand. Our relationships with God & others are intertwined in this dynamic. I think that as I get older I am able to forgive others easier than I could when I was younger. I would hold on to a grudge when someone did something to me & to hurt me. I would hate them for what they did to me & I would want to do something back to them, to hurt them like they did me. I learned by feeling this way it wasn't good for me, it wasn't the right thing to do. It would stress me out which in return would make me very sick ( as you know, Tyler ). It would make everything more difficult for Mom & I didn't want that anymore. After losing you, which is the worst thing that could ever happen to Mom( & a Dad ) so much changed in me. I didn't think the same anymore, I didn't care what others did or said, I let it roll right off me without getting upset. Nobody knew what I was going through. I just wanted you back in the worst way. I wanted to do whatever it took to make that happen. I know now that could never be, but I changed when you left. I will never be that person again. I forgive way to easy now. I don't let things get to me the way they used to. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Maybe in ways I really have grown up. I don't need or want drama in my life. I couldn't handle it if I did. I am trying to live daily & be the best that I can be for myself & others. I thank God that he has given that gift to me. I have gone through & made peace with people that would let me where I did them wrong. I have accepted many things now. I may not understand them all & why it happened but I know not to dwell on things or question them. In due time I will get the answers to everything I have ever wanted just like you have, Tyler. I am ok with that!
 I know that my chances are slim again to see the stars & moon shining tonight in the evening sky. It is so bleak here again. Nevertheless, I know you will be beaming your sweet face & smile wherever you may go tonight. I miss that smile so much. I miss your face & your voice. I miss you every minute of every day. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. I wish you peace & happiness this evening. May you fly high & free & let nothing stop you! I hope that if you get to rest you have the sweetest dreams my precious son. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight as well. You will forever be in my heart, mind, & soul. Don't ever forget this.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!