Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son. How are you doing on this Friday evening? Happy Heavenly Birthday to you. Today you would have been 26 years old. Mom has been in  pretty depressed mood all day long. I am trying to snap out of it but it really is not working at all. I seem to have a headache that I can not shake & it is just not a good day. I miss you so much. I have shed many of tears today with things that our family & friends have posted on your facebook wall & my own. You were loved so much. So much more than I think you ever knew but I know you do now. I know you don't celebrate your special day anymore whenever you may be but I will never stop. This is the 2nd most hardest day of the year for Mom. I honestly can't wait for it to be done tonight & Saturday to arrive. I am sorry if that sounds harsh because I don't mean it to be at all. So many memories come rushing back to me & there is nothing I can do. I can't see you, I can't hear you, I can't talk to you any longer. These last 3 years have been so hard on me. I know you know that as you see Mom's struggles. I am sorry that you have to witness it but I am not sure what else to do. I will always grieve the loss of you. Every day....just some days are better than others....not many but some. Mom has had several family & friends call today to see how I was doing which was really nice. I spoke to Meme, Grandpa, Aunt Beck & Auntie Kristina. More friends like I said reached out to me by social media, text messages, etc.. Mom really has a wonderful support system. I love them all very much for it. They are my rocks & they don't even know it.
 Mom was going to send balloons up to you today but for the most part the weather was not cooperating at all. It was really cloudy, windy & rainy. About 2 hours ago the clouds went away, the sky turned blue & the sun is shining. Mom will have to get your balloons tomorrow & send them up to you a day late. Sorry pumpkin. Aunt Beck told me to light a candle for you tonight so that is what I plan to do later this evening. So if you see it burning please know it is for you. I love you my sweet precious son. To the moon & back & all the way around the world. Mom has the daily prayer for you but also I wanted to write to you something that I found as well. I hope that you like it.
 July 29~ For he is our God & we are the people of his pasture & the sheep of his hand. Father in Heaven!..... Grant us to feel that without Thee we can do nothing---a feeling not of cowardly dependence but a feeling of hopeful strength, in the happy assurance that Thou art powerful among the weak. Sheep are completely dependent on their shepherd's protection, provision, guidance, doctoring, knowledge of the land & kindness. They trust only their shepherd & will answer the call of no other. Amen.
 Here is the other thing I wanted to write.....

                  Before I was a Mom

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom- I had never been puked on, pooped on, chewed on, peed on. I had complete control of my mind & my thoughts. I slept all night before I was a Mom. I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes & cried. I never gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep before I was a Mom. I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put him down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom- I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
 Boy is that the truth, Tyler. I loved being your Mom. I still am your Mom just in a different way now but boy I miss the old way like crazy. So many memories came back to me today on the day you were born... it is like it was yesterday. Mom saw something yesterday & it said..... Just because my child died does not mean I am not a Mother. It just means my child flies instead of walks now. I will post it on here as well.
 The evening sky will be approaching us shortly & faster than normal. I hope to look to the sky tonight & see the stars shining bright & maybe the moon. I will whisper to you as I always do. Be listening to hear my voice. Hope you smile when you hear it. I will try to smile but no guarantees tonight though. I hope that you have many adventures tonight along with things that you may need to do & want to do as well. Please come & visit me tonight, Tyler. I sure could use it. Thank you. Remember you are forever in my heart, mind & soul. You are my hero & my wind beneath my wings. Good night, Ty & sweet dreams. Until tomorrow night...... I love you to infinity & beyond.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!