Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing on this Wednesday afternoon? Mom is doing better than yesterday but I can't seem to get my head out of this fog. I am so tired as I did not sleep well last night at all. I am hoping to go to bed early & get some much needed sleep tonight. Can you please be with Mom so that I can? I really need to get up tomorrow & start my studies but with the way I am feeling I don't have any desire to what so ever. I need to figure out what is going on & fix it & fast! 
 Today has been a quiet day for the most part. Meme called me on the phone on her lunch break. That was nice to hear that her & Bob are well. I got to chat with Debbie & my friend Gary on line today too. He says hello to you! Oh and you will never guess who I found on facebook today.....remember Lynda who used to cut Mom's hair & your when you were little? She has 3 children... Christopher, Mallory & Kyle....yup I found Lynda & Chris. I actually chatted with Chris for a bit. He had no idea that you had passed away. That was tough for Mom to explain what happened but I did it. I was brave & got through it without crying but my heart sunk while talking about it all. He lives in NH with his GF & his 2 year old daughter....yup he is a Daddy. Mallory lives in Alabama with her BF & her 6 year old son, & Kyle lives in Georgia with his GF & her parents. I can't believe they all are so grown up & have kids of their own. Just doesn't seem possible & boy does Mom feel old right now! I am happy for them all but Mom can't help but feel cheated in so many ways. I know I shouldn't & it is wrong but I am just being honest. You were cheated, I was cheated & it just isn't fair. You know what & why things happened to you & what we went through but I still do not. Maybe in my next session with Forrest you can explain it to me so I don't have to play the guessing game anymore. I would really like to know so I cam make peace with it. Anyways.... Mom will call Grandpa later to chat with him seeings how it has been 5 days since we spoke. I guess according to Deb he has been working a lot & super busy. I will have to touch base with Aunt Beck as well. I got a message from her today & responded but nothing back. I know she is pretty busy as she needs to get lots of stuff done because in 21 days she is traveling to South America again for 4 weeks. I know you will watch over her as you always do. Meme is not happy as she will be traveling alone but Aunt Beck has this & she has done this several times now. I think that is all I have for you today for updates so hopefully there is more tomorrow. 
 The weather today was cold but no rain. We got a lot of rain all day yesterday & last night. It was crazy. The winds were high too. It was like they were howling. It was overcast & cloudy all day so I know I won't see anything in the night sky tonight either but i will whisper to you as I always do. Be listening & smile when you hear Mom. I will do the same for you so you can see my smile. I miss you like crazy. More than words can say. I love you to infinity & beyond. To the moon & back & all the way around the world. You are Mom's true hero & the wind beneath my wings. You will forever live inside my heart, mind, body & soul. Never forget this & always feel it deep down in your soul as well.
 Here is your daily prayer for January 4~ O let the evil of the wicked come to an end, but establish the righteous, you who test the minds & hearts, O righteous God. I understand that my sense of justice is not like yours, heavenly Father. Yours is perfect, while mine is limited & skewed, lopsided in favor of myself & I never have all the illuminating facts & information to be able to judge exactly right where others are concerned. So I'm grateful, Lord, that you know precisely how to bring wickedness to light & to deal with it. And you know how to reward what is right & true & good. Help me live uprightly, truthfully & honorably that I might be firmly established as one who walks in your ways. Sir, I say that justice is truth in action. Amen.
 Here are Mom's quotes for the day: I can not change the past but the past has changed me. I touch a memory & the memory touches me. Memories hurt. Memories heal. Memories tell me how far I have come & how far I have to go. 
 From every wound there is a scar & every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived.
Mom sure does have a lot of memories & scars. As much as it hurts I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. It is what I have to hold onto now. 
 Well, Ty...it is yet again that time of the night where I need to get going & do the night things. I need to make dinner & feed the pups. Mom hopes you have an evening filled with love, light, peace & adventure while I try to sleep. May if be all that you need & want to do as well. Come be with me if you can. Come visit me in my dreams my sweet precious son. Good night & sweet dreams. Until tomorrow...... 
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!