Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Tuesday afternoon? As you have seen, Mom's day so far has been very emotional. Today is the day that you received your Angel wings. Today is the day that I lost you & I lost myself. Mom was surprised that I slept last night because honestly the day was also emotional. I didn't think I would really be able to as my mind was all over the place but I did sleep. It was a nice surprise to say the least. This morning was pretty tough though I won't lie. Mom has been up since 6 am with my mind once again all over the place. Remembering so many details of the day 4 years ago. Doctors talking to me, telling me things & then having to make all kinds of decisions....wondering if those decisions were right, was I honoring you the way you wanted & the way you deserved or was I doing everything all wrong. The horror of it all plays over & over in my head. No Mom should EVER have to make the decision that I did. It is not right. It is so cruel. It is not fair & it is not the circle of life. Mom is really trying so hard Tyler not to be so sad, so angry all over again as I know you do not like it. Mom knows it hurts you & I would never want that. Mom wants you to continue to grow & be happy & free & I know you are as you have told me. I just miss you so much. I miss the sound of your voice, your face, your smile, your laugh, our conversations & everything else. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. You went through so much in your life even at the end you went through hell. Mom is so sorry. I hope you know that if I could have changed it I would. I would have done anything for you. If I could I would have taken all the pain that you had away. That's what Mom's do for their child or children. Mom grieved for you every day. I watched your pain. I watched your sadness because you couldn't do all the things your friends did. I watched you miss out on so many things. I watched you cry more often as you got older because you were aware of so much more. You never saw Mom cry because in front of you I felt I always needed to be your strength & be strong for you but the minute I turned my back & walked away the tears always fell from my eyes. Mom never wanted you to see me that way. I know your life was so tough & so exhausting but Mom wouldn't have traded any of it. I cherished every single thing that we did together whether it was just sitting & talking or us taking a vacation.... all of it I cherish. The memories is what keeps Mom going now. Memories is all I have left. 
 Meme & Aunt Beck have called me today to check in on me. That was very sweet of them. Meme was on her lunch break so I will touch base with her later tonight as tomorrow Bob goes for his doctors appointment. Aunt Beck is sick with what Mom has... the cold, cough, flu. It is going around so much. It is nasty & it needs to stay away for good. She is on day 8 & Mom is on day 13. I will say I do feel better then what I did. I am sleeping through the night & coughing less & less each day. Hopefully by the weekend I will be back to my old self again. I know you are watching over us all & Mom thanks you so much. Please continue to be with us. I am sure that Grandpa will check in with Mom later tonight. I have had several friends check in with me as well letting me know that they are thinking of me knowing what today is. Mom is very thankful for their sweet comments. It means a lot to me to know people care. You & I always had an army behind us. We both have always had so many that care. It warmed my heart then & it still warms my heart. Mom really doesn't have any updates for you because I am just trying to stay busy doing things so I don't let my mind wander. I will keep you posted as usual as I know of things though.
 Here is a pray for today: May God open the Heavens & give you a glimpse of how far you've come in this battle. You're still standing! In Christ, you're stronger than you know. May you see with eyes of faith how much of the wall has already come down! May Jesus speak peace to you soul & strength to your heart. May you understand--on a whole new level--why God has allowed you to walk through this trial. He has something for you here....treasures in the darkness that will serve you well in the days ahead. Don't lose hope. Don't let go of His promises. Circumstances are changing because of your faith. You are part of the conquering army of saints in the world today! Amen. 
 Here is one more prayer: May you be honest with God about the hurt in your heart. May you discern the difference between grief & self-pity. May you be okay with not always being okay. God will one day wipe away every tear from your eyes, but until then, He wants to help you walk the journey with peace in your heart & assurance in your soul. He is with you. He will heal you. And He will one day turn your mourning into dancing & your sorrow into songs of joy. In the meantime, enjoy the little graces you find along the way. Celebrate the small victories. Dare to dream & take one step at a time. You're going to be okay. Blessings on your day today. Amen.
 Mom decided to do 2 prayers today instead of 1 prayer & 1 inspirational message. It just felt right. On tomorrow's letter I will be back to one each though. Today Mom just didn't have it in her to be inspirational at all. I know it is probably the wrong thing but it is just how I feel right now. I am sorry, Tyler. Mom is just being honest.
 Mom is hoping that the night sky will show a painting from you. It will be the sign I need to let me know you are with Mom. The weather again is hot, humid & muggy. The rain has stopped & the sky is blue with some clouds. Maybe Mom will see the moon & the stars as well. That sure would be nice. I know you will be shining wherever you are. Mom hopes your night is full with things that you need to do & want to do. Have fun while I sleep. Come visit me in my dreams. Always know & feel it in your soul that you live inside my heart, mind, body & soul. You are forever my hero & the wind beneath my wings. Mom will whisper to you tonight so be listening out for my voice. I will try to smile just for you & hope you will be smiling back. I will light a candle tonight in your honor. Mom will be back tomorrow with another letter so until then.....good night & sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Fly high & free. I love you with every beat of my heart.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

P.S. Can you please give Snapples a big hug & kiss from Mom? Today ( approx. 3 hrs after you gained your wings....he gained his too! ) Give Snickers & Max some too. I miss them very much! Thank you.