Dear Tyler,

Hi my pumpkin! How are you doing tonight on this Thursday evening? Mom is doing much better than yesterday that is for sure. I had a bad one with a big stomachache all day & night. I got some sleep & I actually feel pretty good. Lately, I have been going through a rough patch again. I am not much into my old routine & I find myself  being quite sluggish again, not wanting to do anything during the days. I would rather just stay in bed all day & do nothing. I know it is such a bad habit. I am trying to get back into being myself again. I try to do a couple things during the day to show myself I can do it. It is a very slow process but I will continue to march forward. I did do more today than I have in the last 2 weeks. I don't even know how it even started. I have been missing you so much & I think I have just been so emotional that it really over took me. The emotional roller coaster ride that grief has is so hard to handle. Some days are good & others are really hard. I think it is because the holidays are coming again & so is the wedding. All the times that I want you here more than the normal. I will promise you that I will keep trying so I can make you proud of me. I need it. I need you & I need your help. Thank you!
 John is home now from his surgery. It has been a really rough time for him. Lots of pain & sickness with the different meds that they had him on. Boy, don't we both know how that is. I called daily to let them know I was thinking of them. I told Aunt Becky that I ask you to go be with them & to watch over them both. She was thankful. I guess everyone else is doing well too. Bob still continues to have some hard days but I know you are with them as well. I know you watch over Mom, Mark, our whole family & friends on a daily basis. It means the world to us!
 I took my nightly walk already. The stars were showing but not too brightly though. No moon again either. The weather here is just beautiful... 84 during the day & in the 60's at night. Such a nice switch from the hot summer we had this year! I am looking forward to the even cooler days & nights that will be coming in a month or so. Not going to complain as everyone back home will be getting snow very soon. I am really hoping that we have excellent weather to drive to NH in December & for the wedding. I know you will be watching over us then to so I am not worried at all. I will whisper to you later this evening so I hope you will be listening out for Mom. I hope you hear me. 
 I have a couple daily prayers for you so I will start them now. October 21~ Love is patient;love is kind...It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.Lord, what an amazing thing it is that pure love keeps no record of wrongs & it is not resentful. Can you teach us to love like that. Lord? Instead, we often go over & over all the grievances we have towards our spouses, children, or friends we love. It is really possible to tear up those records & look at the people we love the way you look at us---as though we'd never sinned? I believe it is, Lord, but only by your power. Give us the strength to forget the wrongs, let go of the resentments, & embrace the love. We should be willing to pardon others as many times as we pardon ourselves. I am trying to forgive & just let things go. I think I have done really well considering where I was a few years ago. I will continue to work on this. I don't want anger or resentment with anyone. I just want love in my life. 
 October 22~ Finally, all of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart, & a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or abuse for abuse; but, on the contrary, repay with a blessing. It is for this that you were called---that you might inherit a blessing. Almighty God, why is it painfully difficult to forgive the people who are closest to me? I feel that they should love me enough to never hurt me, yet they do so many times. Since I don't want to be bitter & resentful, help me find the courage to forgive their pettiness & see beyond the smallness of their behavior. I know, God, that I'm not always perfect either, & I pray they may also forgive me for hurting them too. We always seem to hurt the ones we love, but teach me, God, how to forgive & be forgiven. Amen. This is a prayer that I have wondered for so many years. This is something that I have struggled with personally. I have always asked for God's help with this. I am better than before but I still need the guidance & help to continue. This is a daily issue for me. I ask for this help every night & day. I will continue to do this until I can completely let everything go & live a loving & pure life.
 October 23~If anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new! Give me a heart like yours, Lord. A heart that can show compassion & love to someone who needs it---especially when that person is incapable of showing compassion & love to me in return. This isn't something that comes naturally, Lord. We live in a society that is always asking, " What's in it for me?" Soften my heart, Lord, so that the question I always ask first is not " what's in it for me?" but " what's in it for you?" Amen. You can't give too much to a friend in need. I believe that I do this on a regular basis for my family & friends, even strangers at times. I help as much as I can. I ask for nothing in return. I have always been this way. A giver not a receiver. I like that about me. I guess that is my nature. It makes me smile to help others. I am blessed with this  = ]
 Well, Tyler, it is getting late & I am tired. I will close this letter for now. I miss you so much & I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. I hope you have a wonderful evening wherever you are & whatever you are doing. Sweet dreams my precious son. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!