Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Sunday morning? Mom wanted to write to you now because I have errands & grocery shopping to do later. I didn't want to get caught up in everything & be too tired to write to you later. That seems to happen more frequently than I would like to admit. This is one of the many things that I am trying to change again in my lifestyle. Things to get me back on track. Mark says that I am a different person when I write to you to when I don't. He says I am happier, I sleep better, & I worry less. I completely agree with him. Guess I will continue this daily! I am always waking up earlier & getting up instead of staying in bed all the time. I am getting tired earlier at night too so that helps Mark out. Before I would stay up until 11 pm or 12 midnight & he would stay up with me & be so tired the next day. That is not fair to him as he is the one who works. Lots of changes... only for the better!
 Haven't spoken to the family since Thanksgiving Day but that is ok. I know that if things were not well I would get a phone call telling me otherwise. Please continue to watch over us all, Tyler. I know you do all that you can & I really need it & appreciate it so much. More than I could ever express to you, but I think in your own way you know  = ]
 Last night we took Snicks for a walk & the moon was shining so brightly & the stars were too. The sky was so beautiful. I walked around with a smile on my face. I was whispering to you. I always wonder if you can hear me. I hope that tonight's sky is just as beautiful. The weather today is again... warm & sunny. It will be 75 degrees & is a partly cloudy sky right now. I will whisper to you again as I always do tonight. That will never change. Just be listening for Mom's voice telling you how much I miss you & love you.
 I can't believe that Monday, tomorrow, will be December 1st. Just crazy. I keep seeing everyone who is posting pictures of their decorated Christmas Trees. I envy them this year. This will be the 1st year that I have never had a Christmas Tree. We debated on it & decided not to seeings how we will be traveling & away for Christmas. Doesn't make much sense to put one up & only be able to enjoy it for less than 2 weeks. We also didn't want to come back after a long trip & have to take it down. Just too much for us... we are getting old you know..lol  = ] Guess next year will have to be a big Christmas Tree to make up for this year! We shall see!
 Ok.. so I want to do our daily prayer.... it is the last day of November... just unreal... so here it goes. November 30~ As his anointing teaches you about all things, & is true & is not a lie, & just as it has taught you, abide in him. Dear God, why are we so anxious to take things into our own hands while waiting on you & hoping that you will take care of our problems? Teach us to wait actively, Lord, by abiding in you until we know which way you want us to go. Then let us tirelessly take off in that direction, confident that you are the wind beneath our wings. Keep us from leaving without you, Lord. We want to journey through this life energetically & purposefully, & that sometimes means waiting for you. Amen. God knows what is best & has my highest good in mind. I think that we don't know what it means to have patience with things or with people. We tend to be humans that want things & we want them now. We don't like to wait. So many people feel the need to be materialistic & that is sad. They spend their time wanting & needing the biggest house, newest cars, cell phones, latest clothing trends, etc... that they forget to see the real picture. Slow down...they are missing out on what is called life. Spend time with family & friends. Laugh, live & love. Look at the sky, go for a walk, breathe in the air that we breathe. Take pictures, make memories that you will remember & forever hold in your heart. Make God a part of your life....for without him you really have nothing. Soul search, listen to what is being told to you...what direction to take in life, the people to surround yourself with, be where there is love & not hate. These are all the things that I am doing now in my life. I wish that I would have done this much sooner but no better time to start than the present! I used to need & want all the material things that money can by, but now not so much. I have the things I cherish & love. I don't need " things " to make it better. I just need my family & friends to enjoy it with me. I am trying to live with less " stuff " & I didn't think at first I could do it but I feel so much better with the way I live. I don't have all kinds of " things " just hanging around.. never wearing or using. I have donated all kinds of things to the less fortunate. I feel great when I do this! Thank you Lord for showing me this easier life style to lead. I am a much better person because of it. Thank you for giving me the patience to wait for the answers & guidelines from you on things going on in my life. I have so much less stress now because of this. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.
 Well, before I end this letter to you, Tyler, I just want you to know that I miss you so much. My heart aches every second for the loss of you. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. You still are my everything. I long to make you proud of me as I was & still am proud of you. You will forever be in my heart, mind, & soul. I hope that you have a wonderful evening tonight & that it is all that you want & need it to be. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Listen out for my whispers!
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing on this Saturday afternoon? I hope that it is just as warm & sunny where you are as it is where I am. It is just a beautiful day... sunny & 75 degrees. The sky is not as blue..a bit cloudy but that is fine. I am taking advantage of the warmer weather because in a couple weeks we will be heading to NH.. which will seem like the North Pole to us now..lol! I can't believe that we will be spending Christmas with our family this year & then getting married 2 days later. It is all happening in 28 days! I can't believe how time is flying by. I wonder all the time what it is like for you where there is no concept of time. To us it is days, weeks, or years before we get reunited again but to you & all other Angels it is just a matter of seconds. When I think about it it just blows my mind. I can't really grasp it at all. I miss you so much but like I have said all the time in my letters to you is that I know your time here was fulfilled, you finished your purpose on this earth & you were ready for more things in the future. Now you are content, happy & learning all kinds of things for all the next adventures that will happen for you in the future. It makes me happy to know that you are no longer in pain, no more limitations for yourself & being faced with it daily, no more spending countless hours at doctors visits, or stays in the hospitals. No more of that at all. No more of being scared about the ventilator not working, or power going out. The list goes on & on. With all that being said... I just miss your face, your smile, your voice, your laugh, our talks. Sometimes I look at your pictures I have in frames & I smile & think you are on vacation somewhere & you just can't call me to say hello, & other times I look at them & remember that you are not coming back. You have left this world & are now watching over me. Those are the times that are super difficult for Mom. Those are the times I break down & just cry the biggest tears. I used to have those kinds of days most of the time. Now they are a couple days a week. I am getting better. Just not completely there, but I don't think I really ever will be. I used to do this blog daily & then it turned to every other day & sometimes every 3 days. I know you don't mind & you can see me & understand why when I don't but I think psychologically I need to start doing it either every day or every other. It makes me happier & closer to you & that is what matters to me & what I need. 
 I have our daily prayer all set to type out so let me start that before I forget. November 29~ Indeed, you are my lamp, O Lord, the Lord lightens my darkness. Heavenly Father, I come to you to beg for guidance. I'm at the end of my human understanding, & I don't know which way to turn, other than to turn to you. Please place your hand on me & give me the wisdom to make the right choices. I am lost & scared, & I need you to help me find my way again. Shine on my path so that I can see the pitfalls ahead, & light my way so that I can walk safely. This prayer is a little more fitting in my life right now..more than ever! There are a few decisions that Mark & I need to make in our lives that we are so unsure of. There are pros & cons to everything & we are trying to way it all out. We are looking to the Lord for guidance to which direction we should be taking & best to suit our needs. I know with his help everything will be ok. Please Lord, help us find the right choices for us. We need your guidance. Thank you. Amen.
 I hope you have a wonderful rest of the afternoon before the sun sets in 2 1/2 hours. May you be flying high & freely Tyler. I hope that the night will be peaceful & restful for you. I will be looking to the sky this evening to see the moon & stars shining brightly. I will whisper to you as I always do. Sweet dreams my precious son. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing on this Friday afternoon? I hope wherever you are it is sunny, warmer & you are so very happy & smiling away. Mom is doing ok. Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I survived another holiday without you. Those kinds of days are tougher than all the other days. Our plans changed so that is why I didn't get a chance to write to you. I felt guilty about it but I think that you would understand. Either way I hope that you forgive me. One of Mark's friends that he met while working with him was back from Alaska & moving his stuff out of his apartment here in Texas this weekend. His wife & 1 of his sons flew in yesterday so we chatted & all decided that we all didn't have anyone to spend the day with so we said " lets do a dinner together."  We cooked all the traditional foods that we always had. Our company came over around 1:30pm & stayed until 7:30pm. I finished cleaning after they all left & I was so tired. I relaxed & watched tv for a couple hours & then went to bed. It felt good not to be alone for the holidays again. It has been that way for almost 3 years now. I spoke to all over family & friends too. Made me feel a little closer to home. I sure did miss you so much. You know how much I loved the holidays but since you have been gone I honestly would just like to skip over them altogether. How sad is that?? I know. I am keeping in the back of my head the information that was given to me about needing to change & be happy again. I know I need to get back on track. I was doing pretty good for a few months & them somehow things happened & I got " derailed " so to speak. I need to get back on track. I was told that where I am not sleeping well & I am sick that most of this is due to my thinking & feeling the way I do. I am tired of being this way so I need to make the changes. I know that you would want me to be happy & not hurting & sad. I feel guilty a lot of the time too. I need to work through these things still. Lots going on in my life right now. Heading up to NH in 2 weeks, a wedding right after Christmas, a trip back to Texas, & a move 2 weeks after that. I need you, Tyler. I need you to be with Mom all the time but need you to be with me even more during the next 2 months while all this is taking place. Thank you. I really appreciate it so much.
 Everything else seems to be going smooth. Meme called me & told me so not so good news about Bob. My heart hurts for them both. For Bob to go through all that he has & for Meme to have to go through it with him. The stress that they are under is just like what we had to go through. Just awful. Wish there was more I could do. Debbie is having her surgery 5 days after Christmas. I hope that all goes well too. So much is happening so fast. Sometimes my head just spins with the thought of it all. All our other family is well though. Doing the best they can getting through this thing we call life. I miss them all. I can't believe that within 2 1/2 years I have only seen them for 15 days. I feel for Mark as he hasn't been around his family for almost 3 1/2 years. Family is everything to us both. I wish that we could have you back & get all of both families & live together in 1 or 2 big huge houses. That would be so awesome! A dream come true indeed!
 I do have a couple daily prayers to catch up on again so I want to write these out. November 25~ God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Lord, let us to never miss a glimpses of grace you put in the simplest of places & deeds. A visit with an old friend in a nursing home can be bathed in your grace. A brief exchange with someone in line can deliver a blessed amount of your grace into their day. Open our eyes to all creative ways you are sending your grace into our world, Lord. And don't let us miss the glimpses ourselves. Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace. I think that sometimes the simple things in life are the best. It makes me feel good. Makes me feel needed by someone. I am a giver. Always have been. I love the feeling of doing things & helping others out. That is just who I am. Been this way for almost my whole life. I don't think I will ever change. I don't think I ever want to either. As I get older I do things slower. I look at things differently. I see the little things. Thank you God for giving this blessing to me & the gifts every day. They mean so much to me. Amen.
 November 26~ Be strong & courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Lord, you are the only one we need. Like a little child who wakes up crying in the middle of the night, cold & scared, we long to be comforted. But you wrap your arms around us & keep us safe in the shelter of your love. And so we come to you as desperate children again & again, wanting nothing more than to gaze into your face & receive your comfort. Thank you for the promise that we are your children forever & that when we come to you for comfort, you will never turn us away. When the quiet after the storm finally comes to our hearts, we look up to find that God is surely with us. As this prayer says.... Lord, you are the only one we really need. That you for being in my life, walking with me, helping me, healing me. I thank you for all the blessings that I receive from you daily. Amen.
 November 27~ I will both lie down in sleep in peace; for you alone, O Lord, make me lie down in safety. Heavenly Father, please bring peace to the relationships in my life. Some of the toughest challenges I have as a Christian involve my relationship with others. Even though we are brothers & sisters in Christ; we struggle to love each other & to treat each other with patience & loving kindness. Today, please bless me with an extra dose of inner calm, that I might retain my composure & remember your laws as I am dealing with others. I long to do what is right, & I know that with your help, I can keep your commandment to love others. I ask in Jesus' name. Amen. Right now in my life I have been blessed by you, Lord. I have been able to take all the negative out of my life & replace it with all the positive people & things that I need. I no longer have people & things weighing me down. I know that our lives are short & we must make the best of it every day. I am so happy to say I am on that road to the happiness that you want for me. It will be baby steps but I am strong & I will do it. I have all the right people in my life now that can help me along the way. Thank you for making me see these blessings & helping me along the way. I look forward to seeing what you have for me in the future. Amen.
 November 28~ Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, " Whom shall I send, & who will go for us?" And I said, " Here am I; send me!" Holy God, you are truly merciful & caring! You have filled me entirely with your love that I cannot help but share it with others. I go through my days, amazed that you have chosen me to help spread your Word. I delight in helping others learn of your power & truth. I am truly blessed by your existence, & I am truly blessed by your name, letting others see the glory of the miracles you have worked in me. Our Christian fervor can be measured by our desire to grow in love. Every day I am blessed with all that you give me. I am amazed at the strength that you give me to go on each day. I thank you for all this. I am forever grateful. Thank you. Amen.
 I can't even believe how long it has taken me to do this letter today. My head is all over the place. I may be a little under the weather or just tired from being up so early the last couple of days...not sure. The sky was so nice & clear earlier & now it is overcast & cloudy. The sun peeks out from time to time though. I did see the moon & stars shining brightly last night. It was beautiful. I whispered to you so I hope you heard me. I hope to see them all again tonight when the night sky falls ( in about 4 hours ). Regardless... I will whisper to you again as I always do. I miss you my sweet precious son. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. I hope you have a great evening, Tyler. I hope it is peaceful & restful for you. Just know you are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. 
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing today? I hope that you are doing so well & you are very happy. That's all that Mom wants. That is all I have ever wanted. I miss you though. I love you so much it hurts. This week is going to be pretty tough for Mom again. Thursday is Thanksgiving Day. The day we give thanks for all our blessings, be with family, & eat a lot of food. I will be doing none of this again. I will indeed give thanks for the blessings I have but as of right now it will be just Mark & I & we don't plan on making a bunch of food. It will be a relaxing day with watching football. I will miss spending time with our family but I will be seeing them very soon. I can't wait! I wish that I was coming home to you too. I would want nothing more than to see your smiling face & to hear your voice. I can't believe that the wedding is in 32 days. Yikes.... time went fast for that! I think we are all set on things here. Just waiting to pack the truck & start heading out. It will take us 3 1/2 days to get to NH providing that the weather is good. I have no doubt because you will make sure of it! Mom is feeling somewhat better today then I did over the weekend. This dang wisdom tooth is coming in & it hurts like hell. Keeps me up at night & is messing with my sleep. I know you know all about that... the horror that you went through keeps coming back to me. Hurts to remember that. Please help Mom if you can. I could really use it, Ty. Thank you so much.
 The evening sky has fallen so quickly tonight. The days are so short & the nights are very long. I don't like the fact that it gets dark by 5:30pm when it use to be 8:30pm. Oh well...can't do anything about that. The sunset this evening is an orange/pink color from what I can see. That is pretty. The sky was so blue today with no clouds. I took Snickers for a long walk & we both enjoyed it. The sun was warm on my face & it felt great! Reminded me of the way you use to sit in the sun. Face up & eyes closed to fell the warmth of the sun beaming down on you! You got that from me! I hope I get to see the stars shining brightly tonight. I will make sure to whisper to you as I always do. I hope that you will be able to hear Mom. I hope you smile when you see me & hear my voice. I hope that I am making you proud. I am trying Ty..really I am.
 Before I close this letter I want to write a couple of the daily prayers that I have missed in the last few days. November 22~ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday & today & forever. My heavenly Father, there are few aspects of our lives that are constant. The political scene shifts with each election. Careers seem to be heading in a positive direction & then abruptly end. Fortunes rise & fall. Even relationships sometimes reach their peaks & then fade away. But you, O Lord, never change! Your power & your majesty always were & always will be. Thank you, Lord, that when we put our faith in you, we are never disappointed. Faith does not fear change, but knows that all change is simply the Spirit's way of moving our life in the direction of our destiny. Things come & go, people come in & out of your life the way it was planned for you, nothing is forever...except eternity with the Lord. 
 November 23~ For it is better to suffer for doing good, if suffering should be God's will, than to suffer for doing evil. Even the suffering in my life has been a blessing in disguise, dear Lord, & the lessons I have learned have given me the wisdom & understanding to live better & to be a better person. I am stronger, more resilient person because of the obstacles you have placed before me, all of which brought me countless blessings once I made it to the other side. Though I prefer not to suffer, I know it is a part of life & one that can often lead to the sweetest of blessings. I have always said that out of all the hard times I have had in my life, I went through them for a reason & have come out a winner thanks to you Lord & all my family & friends who stuck by me. I am the person I am today because of all those hardships. Tough lessons to learn but I wouldn't change it because this was the life that was chosen for me to live. I count my blessings daily & take nothing for granted. Life is a gift every day.
 November 24~ Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, & patience. You did it, Lord! I asked you to be with me at lunch today & you were----- helping me to compassionately listen to a person I've often found difficult to be around. She must have noticed, Lord. Because you filled my heart with compassion for her, I was able to focus intently on what she was saying & simply give her the gift of listening. Thanks for going to lunch with me, Lord. When you're along, it makes all the difference. With God's guidance, I can help others & give more. Thank you Lord for being with me not just at lunch today, or for the walk I took during lunch, but for being with me every day & every night. Thank you for all the blessings I continue to get each & every day for myself, Mark, my family & my friends. It is the best feeling in the world! Amen!
 So I finally caught up again on the prayers, Ty! Hope you liked them as much as I do. Please continue to watch over us all here. Thanks pumpkin. It means a lot to us. I hope that you have a great night. May it be restful for you. Peaceful too. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. Forever in my heart, mind & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! I hope you are doing well on this Saturday evening. Mom is not doing so well today as you can already see, but I wanted to stop by & tell you that I love you & miss you so much! I will write to you tomorrow. Sweet dreams my sweet son. I will whisper to you as I always do. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. 
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing today on this very rainy & wet afternoon? I hope where you are it is sunny & warm so that you can have that warmth on your face. Just how you always liked it. The weather here for the next couple days is suppose to be really crappy. Lots of wind, rain, & some thunderstorms. Not looking forward to all that seeings how Snicks is afraid of it all now for some reason. Not much has happened with us in 2 days. Mark is working a lot & I still keep doing my thing as I always do. Our family seems to be doing well these days so that is good. I do need to get in touch with Grandpa & Debbie to see how her doctors visit went. She was going to find out when her surgery is going to be. I hope that all goes well & that she is ok. I know that with you watching over them & us all that you will do everything you can to make sure we are all well. Again, I ( and our entire family ) am so thankful for you & what you do for us on a daily basis. I love you, Tyler.
 Here are the daily prayers for the last couple days.... November 20th~ O give me thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever. Now thank we all our God with hearts & hands & voices, who wondrous things hath done, in whom his world rejoices;who, from our mothers' arms, hath blessed us on our way with countless gifts of love, & still is ours today. Yes, thank you Lord for all that you do for me, for us every day. I am so thankful & happy for all the blessings I have in my life. Amen.
 November 21~O Lord, hear; O Lord, forgive; O Lord, listen & act & do not delay! Heavenly Father, I made a mess of this relationship, & I ask to be forgiven. I did my best, but it wasn't enough to overcome the challenges we faced & I know that I have done my share of hurting just as I have been hurt. Please find it in your heart to forgive me, & help me be forgiven by those I have harmed. And please, God, help me forgive myself. I learned a valuable lesson in this situation, & now it is time to let go of the pain & heal. They who forgive most shall be most forgiven. A few times through the years I have felt this way. Relationships have crumbled & failed & I have gotten severely hurt by them. I have managed through the years to understand everything that has happened & why the relationships had to end. I have forgiven them both & wish them all the happiness in the world. I have always been a believer that everything has happened for a reason. I am now in a better place in my life as far as a relationship. Mark is everything that I ever wanted in a man. He is a giver & he takes care of me. He is such a gentleman. I am so lucky. I thank God for him very day. I know that he made promises to you Tyler & I believe that he is making sure he is keeping those promises to you. I always believe that it is important to forgive all that have done you wrong. I am learning this every day of my life. Thank you God for giving me the necessary tools, patience, & love to forgive! Amen.
 I can't believe that the evening sky is already upon us. It got dark much quicker tonight due to the rainy weather. I know I won't be seeing anything in the sky other than clouds but I will as always be whispering to you as I always do. I hope that you can hear me Tyler. I miss you & I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. May your night be peaceful & all that you want & need it to be. Fly high & fly freely.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah! 

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Hope you are doing wonderful on this Wednesday afternoon. Mom is doing ok today. Had a rough morning of sleep because of nightmares, but other than that I am well. I hate having nightmares about you. It tears me up & hurts more than ever. They are so real though. It always seems to happen during the middle of the months when my days are the hardest.. 18 - 20th of every month since you passed. I can't believe that tomorrow it is exactly to the day 17 months since I saw your face. It kills me. Writing to you right now is bringing me to tears. I try really hard not to be negative but I hate this. I hate not having you with me. Some of Mom's friends are having babies while others are able to watch their children grow & it stings. I am blessed to have had all the 22 years with you but I want to be selfish.. I wanted longer. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you. I wasn't ready to kiss your face for the last time or hold your hand. I wasn't prepared to never hear your voice again, to hear your laugh, or see that beautiful smile you had. I ask for forgiveness daily because of the way I feel. I hope you forgive me too. I want to make you proud. I want to honor you not hurt you with the way I am or the way I act at times. 
 We received some good news today. Aunt Shirley's biopsies all came back negative! Horray for that! Power of prayer is good! I am so happy for her. I know you were watching over her too so thank you, Tyler. John had a 5 week check up & even though he doesn't feel there has been progress his doctor is happy where things are. He will have another follow up appointment in 6 weeks.. New Year's Eve. I can't even believe that in 6 weeks we will be celebrating a new year. That is so crazy to me. 
 Also, if you could please watch out & be with Meme she is going through a tougher time with Bob & her job. She really could use the extra prayers. She is so stressed out & I am worried about her. Thanks! Grandpa & Debbie are well so that is great to hear!
 I want to start the daily prayers that I have missed in the last couple days to you. November 18~ Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. Dear God, there isn't much in this world of which we can be absolutely sure. We're one meeting with the boss away from losing our jobs in a layoff & one phone call from the doctor away from finding out our health is seriously compromised. Our children can disappoint us, & even marriages can become shaky. We have no guarantees about our finances, & even the most expensive automobile is likely to break down sometime. So where is our security? Where should we place our trust? O, Lord, we praise you because we know it is in you. You & you alone will never change, & you will never disappoint us. You are always faithful, Lord, & so we place our hope in you & your promises. I have nothing to say to this daily prayer. It is pretty cut in dry. If you allow & let God into your life it will be fulfilling & it will be happy. I am learning this every day. Thank you God for all you do on a daily basis for me. Amen.
 November 19~ Then the Angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from throne of God & of the Lord. Lord, Jesus, it is too easy to seek comfort from material things---- from a new car of sofa, from a trip to the mall or to the movies. But you are not found in worldly things. The only true source of everlasting comfort is your love--- the living water you offer us from your very lips. Let me remember to seek first your will, perfect & divine. It is only then that my weary heart will rest & find sanctuary. Amen. 
 The nigh sky has fallen quickly this evening as we are in for more rain over the next several days. Last night I was surprised to have seen the stars shining brightly. I hope to see them tonight as well. Haven't seen the moon though but that is ok. I will whisper to you as I always do. I hope your night is complete with peace, love & happiness. All the things I long for you to have. I love you so much Tyler. I miss you more than I can ever express. Know that you are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Watch over us all like I know you do.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing today on this Monday early evening? I hope wherever you are that things are the happiest & most comforting for you. Mom is doing the best I can be. The last 4 days have been pretty hectic & busy for Mark & I. I am sorry that I haven't had the chance to write to you. When I don't I miss you even more than I usually do. I do however talk to you more on those days. I hope you can hear ever word that I say to you. I mean it all & it comes from my heart. 
 Let's see.. Friday night I went & picked up my wedding dress. It came out beautiful. I really love it. The traffic was awful... welcome to City living! Took us 45 minutes to go 10 miles..just crazy. We got home around 8:30 pm. Saturday we did our usually grocery shopping & errands. By the time that was finished & dinner & dishes done I was so tired. It has been so cold here. 40's during the day with rain & wind & 30's at night. We have a fire place so Mark has been making sure that we are cozy & warm. Even Snickers has been cold. He has been shaking. Haven't seen that for a couple years now. He lays right near the fire. It is cute. Sunday we stayed home but we got all the stuff together for the wedding, & packed it all up. I even packed my clothes. Did lots of cooking & baking as well. Has a skype call with Mark's Dad & Step Mom until 7:30pm & then I just relaxed & watched tv for a couple hours. I wasn't feeling all that great so I just needed to do nothing & veg out. Didn't really speak to any family this weekend but everyone sounds like they are well. Anxious to see us in another month! I did hear that Aunt Shirley will get her test results back on Wednesday so my fingers are crossed for her. Mark is also interviewing for another job with a completely different company. He has had 2 out of the 3 interviews & things look very promising! Last interview is tomorrow. If all goes well we will be packing up here in Texas & moving again towards the end of December or beginning of January. Please whatever you can do Ty would be great. The new job & new move would benefit so many of our family & friends plus Mark & I. Will keep you posted as I know of things!
 Here are the 4 daily prayers that I have missed the last few days.... November 14~ When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them. I want my heart to be more like yours, Lord. I want a heart that sees the need before it is expressed, the hurt before the tears flow, & the pain even before the wound is inflicted. How many times a day do I walk by someone who could use a hand, a word, even a smile & totally miss the opportunity to be your representative on earth? Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Let your compassion go with me wherever I go. God sometimes uses our hands to comfort those in need. I would like to believe that I have a good heart & I am compassionate most of my days. I lend an hear to those who need to vent, I have in the past several times gave shelter to those in need, I try to smile to everyone I walk by & say hello to them. I even give money to the homeless. I don't have a lot of things but what I have is enough for me. Yeah, I could want more but I don't. I like to help others. I have always been this way & I will continue to. Nothing will ever change that!
 November 15~ [ Jesus said ] " Let the little children come to me," ..... And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, & blessed them. Lord, today I ask you to be with all the parents- to - be who secretly worry. " What if I don't love this baby when it's born? " What a surprise they have in store, Lord! For from your overflowing bounty of love you always deliver a generous portion to each one. And when the second baby comes? You simply double the capacity for love. Thank you, Lord, for a parent's love. Something that pure & precious could only come from you. The greatest gift that the Lord could give a woman & a man is to become parents. I have been blessed by God to have been a Mom for almost 23 years. Tyler, I was so proud & honored to have been your Mom. The years were tough but we managed the best that we could. I never did have anymore children because I couldn't. I guess that was the Lords way of saying that one child was going to need all my attention. I was more than happy to just have had you. Oh how I miss you now. I miss everything. I wish I could have had more time with you but I am blessed at all the years I did have as they could have been so many less. I love you Tyler. Never forget this..ever!
 November 16~ It is good to give thanks to the Lord. Lord, I need to confess something today. In spite of all the riches you've given me, I sometimes find myself wanting something someone else has----that perfect job, a larger house, or even those great looking shoes. Forgive me for being ungrateful. Lord. You have blessed me in so many ways. You have given me riches beyond compare through your Son, Jesus Christ. Please decrease my envy, Lord, & increase my gratitude. Amen. I was just saying this exact thing earlier..funny how this was yesterday's prayer. There are so many things that I want but as I get older I go through a series of questions & basically at the end I talk myself out of it. I have all kinds of wonderful things in my life. I really don't need anything else. I am grateful for all that I have. As I sit here & type this.. I realize the one thing I do want I can't have. I would want you back, Tyler. I know that that can't happen so I again..don't need anything. 
 November 17~ Jesus said to them " I am the bread of the life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, & whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. God, sometimes I feel like a stale loaf of bread, as if I am living the same day over & over. I feel tired & resigned to living half a life, just getting by. I pray you will light a fire within me & reignite in me the interests & passions I once had that made my life so unique & filled with delight. Rekindle my desire to be better each day, to not settle for less, & to lift my eyes upward to what is possible, not downward to what is impossible. Fill me with a newfound purpose, that I may become as new as freshly baked bread. It's never too late to be a joyful explorer. This prayer hits home for me. I have been feeling this way for the past 17 months since you left this earth, Tyler. I feel I have no purpose even though I know I do. I just can't find it. There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I can't make decisions on some days. I am not the same person I once was. I try but nothing! Sometimes I feel happy & I laugh but then I feel guilty because I lost you & I shouldn't be laughing or enjoying life. Grief has gotten the best of me. I am in a rut & not sure what to do. I do pray every day to get help. I will continue to ask for this help for as long as I live. I will need it. Losing you has been the toughest for me of all my 43 years. It is so painful & it hurts like crazy. I will never get over losing you but I do hope one day it can be easier... today is just not the day for that....
 The night sky is upon us now. It is getting darker & much cooler. I hope that you will have a nice, comfortable, & peaceful evening. I don't think I will see the moon & stars shining brightly but I will hope that I do. I will whisper to you this evening as I walk Snickers. Please continue to watch over us. Thank you for all you do. It means so much to Mom. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. I love you with all my heart. I miss you so much. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing on this Thursday afternoon? Momma is doing ok. A little cold today as the weather is overcast & cloudy again. The temps are slightly cold here...43 degrees but feels like 38. When I took Snicks out for a walk I swear that if it could snow here it would. The wind is blowing & it goes right through you! I guess this weather is prepping us for the weather that we shall be going to in NH. I can say that we have been spoiled... I don't like the cold anymore...lol! It is suppose to be like this all weekend too..with rain on Saturday & Sunday. Guess there is some kind of Polar Vortex happening throughout the whole United States. Lucky us...Not!!!!
 Momma got to speak to Grandpa last night. Things are going well with him & Debbie. Guess Debbie has a few medical things that need to be dealt with but other than that she is doing ok. Aunt Shirley had her appointment & she is tired but doing well. She goes back next week to get all the results. I keep my fingers crossed for all our family & say daily prayers for everyone. It is so hard to be so far away from the ones you love during difficult times. I know you will watch over us all like you always do. Thanks Ty!
 Yesterday was Pepe's Birthday! I whispered to him & wished him a Happy Day. I hope that he heard me. Did you get to spend time with him & Nana? Do you ever? I wonder how it all really works. Do you all stay together, cross paths every once in a while, or do you rarely ever see one another? Sometimes the curiosity just gets to me. My mind constantly wonders. I haven't had the chance to call Forrest for another reading but I would really like to. Maybe after the wedding is over with. Right now our budget is pretty tight so that we can pay for it all. I hope that when I do have another one you & many others will come through for me. I would love the chance to talk to you again. I need to hear that you are doing well & I want to know what you are up to! Guess that is the Momma in me..lol!
 So here are a couple of the daily prayers that I need to catch up on... November 12~ Like a horse in the desert, they did not stumble. Like cattle that go down into the valley, the spirit of the Lord gave them rest. Thus you led your people, to make for yourself a glorious name. Dear Lord, please show me how I can get on the right path, for I have lost my way. I can't seem to do anything right lately, & it feels as though I'm going against the wind & being pushed back 2 steps for every 1 step forward I take. I need your guidance to point me in the right direction so that I can get back on track again. I trust you alone to lead me where I need to be right now in my life, & so I surrender my will to yours. Please guide me, & I will follow wherever you lead me. Thank you, Lord. Nothing about God's children is too trivial or ordinary, too overwhelming or dreadful for God to care about. Ever since you passed Tyler, I feel that I am not going anywhere in my life. I am lost without you & I can get back on my feet. Maybe I don't want to.. I don't know. I have my days..some are good & some not so good at all. I hope that God shows me what I need to be doing in my life right now. I know that my purpose here is not done & I feel in my heart that I have so much more to do. I guess I just need that push to start me in the right direction again. I ask you Lord to please help me with this. Thank you, Amen.
 November 13~Thus he has given us, through these things his precious & very great promises. What wonderful, bountiful blessings you have given to me, my God! Indeed, you have filled my life with what is truly amazing, truly awesome, & truly inspiring. Oh, I know there have been challenges, & I'm sure there will be more. And yet, when I look at all the positive things in life, I believe in my heart that I can conquer the darkness along my path & find even newer blessings around the bend. Thank you, God, for showing me that your promises are steadfast & true, & your blessings are never-ending. Amen. Lord, you have given me so many blessings in my life throughout my 43 years of living. I have been saved so many times from a terrible car accident that left me with many medical issues, to having a son with special needs, to having terminal cancer, etc... I have always been forever grateful for everything & have never taken anything for granted. You have always been by my side through the hardships. Thank you for this. You have given me so many wonderful things as well.. again a beautiful son that I miss so much now, my family & friends, my ability to give back to those in need, to helping me find my soulmate, Mark. Thank you again for everything. I know I have had so many dark days but I am trying. I will get there again where I can do all that you need me to do for you & to better my life here on this earth. I promise you that I will get there. I won't let you down or myself down any longer. I am strong. I can do this... I need your help though!
 These 2 daily prayers really hit home for me this time, Tyler. It really made me stop to think about things. Where I am in my life now to where I am going... where I need to be. I guess I have some serious changing to do again. I need to better myself for me & for my new life with Mark as his wife. I need to do this for you too. I know you want this for Mom. I will do it. As I said I am strong. Just be patient with me. A little progress every day is better than nothing. 
 The sky is getting dark already. When the sun is out it sets at 5:30pm now, but because it is cloudy & yucky it is darker faster tonight. I will look to the evening sky tonight when I walk Snickers. I don't think I will see the stars or moon but I will still look to the sky. I know you are there somewhere. I will whisper to you as I always do. I hope you can hear Mom. I miss you so much Tyler. I love you more than life itself. I can't even begin to explain it. I don't think I even could. 
 I hope you have a peaceful & relaxing night. May it be all you want it to be & more. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Watch over Mom, Mark & our family & friends. Thank you  = ] You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! How are you doing on this Tuesday late afternoon? I hope where you are the sun is shining, you are smiling, & it is everything you imagined it would be for you. Here where I am in Texas it is overcast, cloudy, & rainy. The temps are chillier than normal too. The rest of the week is going to be in the 50 - 60's during daylight & in the 30's at night. Somehow here we get no Fall & Spring. We just get hot, extremely hot, & then cold. Last night we had a fire going in the fireplace. It made me think of you & Max. I remember just how much you loved it when we had a fire going. You used to sit either right in front of it or right beside it. Max would lay right near you or right on top of it. I found myself doing the same thing last night. Watching the fire log burn made me sad but I smiled. It is much cooler out this evening so we will light another one. Please know that I think of you ( Max too ) when I am near it & watching the beautiful flames. These kind of memories & so many others is what keeps me going since you passed. 
 As I am trying to type my letter to you Snickers is on my desk. He is sitting near the computer watching me. It is cute. He loves being near me when I am writing to you. I think that if you can see it I know that you are laughing that contagious laugh of yours that I love so much & miss beyond anything that I could ever express to you. 
 I was on facebook earlier & I see that 1 of your Amigos..Jeremy is no longer at the Laconia facility. He has a new profile picture of himself. He looks really good Ty. He is not as skinny anymore..he has packed on some pounds. He is living back home with his Mom & Step Dad in Sanford, Maine. He looks happy now. One of the pictures shows him, his Dad & his Mom. It states that he hasn't seen his Dad in 3 years. I know that you watch over him just as often as you do Mom & our family. He was like your brother. You 2 were so close. I miss seeing you 2 together..laughing, having fun, & seeing how much trouble you 2 could possibly get into on a daily basis. We don't talk as much as we used to.. I will make sure to change that. I know that would mean the world to you. I will keep you posted even though you know of things happening & changing before I do, but I still like to write about it.
 Spoke to Aunt Becky yesterday. She was saying that John still was not doing so well. His pain level still is not under control & he is healing more slowly than others that have had the same surgery. She is tired, but is trucking along taking care of him. I tell her all the time that she can do this & she is seeing just how strong she really is. She is being a trooper. I know you are with them both too. Thank you. Oh yeah.. she has been doing some healing work on Mom. I thanked her because whatever it is she is doing it has helped me so much & I am sleeping again. I told her not to stop...lol!
 The rest of our family & friends are well. They are getting excited that in 45 days they will be seeing us for the wedding. We leave in 35 days... the count down is on. I am all set on this end to get going. We have everything all packed.. just waiting to put it in the truck & head on out for 2 21/2 weeks. I am excited to see Meme, Grandpa, & everyone else. I can't believe just how fast 6 months have flown by. I really wish I was coming to NH to see you though. I am in a way but just not the way I want to. I miss you so much, Tyler. I can't even put into words just how awful the feeling is & how heart wrenching it is to have lost you. You are missed & loved by so many people. You were & still are an inspiration to us still. You made us all a better person by having you in our lives. I hope you knew that & I hope that you will always remember this. 
 Right now I want to write to you the daily prayers from the last 2 days. November 10~ [ Jesus ] rebuked the wind, & said to the sea, " Peace! Be still! " Then the wind ceased, & there was a dead calm. You calmed the stormy waters, Lord, & quieted the thunderous skies. I ask you to calm the stormy waters for me as I struggle with the challenges I face. I know that with the peace you provide, I can face any obstacle & get through any trial or tribulation before me. In the stillness within, you wait for me, always present, always ready to bring me safely back home as a lighthouse guides a ship through the cold, dark fog to the comfort of the shore. Thank you for calming my storms, God. In all human sorrows nothing gives comfort but love & faith. Even though I have faced several storms though my years I have always gotten through them with the grace of God near me. I am so blessed & thankful for all he has & still continues to do for me on a daily basis. I take nothing for granted & count all my blessings daily. Thank you Lord, God for always watching over me & providing all that I need even if it not what I think I need. I will always look to you for comfort. Thank you, Amen.
 November 11~[ Jesus ] is the mediator of a new covenant, so that those who are called may receive the promise eternal inheritance, because death has occurred that redeems them from the transgressions under the first covenant. Lord Jesus, through your grace, you have removed my transgressions as far from me as the farthest star. Still, I feel the scars & hurts of my past. I have hurt others, I have hurt you, & I have hurt myself. You forgive me in your boundless mercy, & I pray that you will help me forgive myself. I want to move forward freely, healed & whole, reborn in your love. Lord, please forgive me for all my sins, all that I have done wrong. I am learning daily to do all the right things & help others in need along with helping myself. I ask for these blessings to continue in my life. I want to be a better person, a more understanding person. Thank you.
 The night sky has fallen quickly tonight. What once was a overcast sky is now a darker overcast evening sky. I know I won't see the stars or moon shining this evening but that is ok. It won't stop me from whispering to you as I always do. I hope that you hear me when I talk to you. I do it throughout the day, every day. I am sure some folks think I am crazy because I talk to myself but that is fine. They don't know everything about me & what I have been through. I am really ok with it...lol!
 I hope that tonight brings you just as much happiness & peacefulness that you need. I hope that you are flying high & free somewhere special. May you continue to watch over Mom, Mark, our family & our friends. Thank you for all you do. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. see you in my dreams tonight  = ]
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi Pumpkin! How are you doing on this Sunday afternoon? Things here are good. Mom got up really early this morning to do all the things that I needed to get done. I have done housework, made homemade bread to have with dinner tonight, purchased several things for the wedding online, & even made breakfast at 8 am & walked Snickers for awhile in the neighborhood this morning! I wanted to make sure to get all these things done so that I had plenty of time to do this very long letter to you today! Mark was pretty impressed with me & I was impressed with myself! 
 Spoke to Meme this afternoon. Everything seems to be going well. Bob had one of his bad episodes today. That is worry some for us all. He is doing the best he can at this time. I know that you are with him & watching over them both for Mom. It is so hard to be away from our family during hard times. Please watch over Debbie & Aunt Shirley too. They both are going through some rough stuff as well. Many doctor's appointments & perhaps surgery for them both in the next couple months. Grandpa is doing good though. Thanks Ty for all you do! I love you so much!
 Everything seems to be going better for Mark & Mom. I am finally getting sleep at night & am not in any pain like I was this last couple weeks. I am so happy & thankful for this. It was very rough for Mom, but I am tough & strong & I got through it. Thanks for being with me through it all. We haven't done much here in Texas. We have to save so much for the wedding right now. I am getting excited but it is such a bittersweet moment for Mom. I have family & friends who will be gathered around us ....all except the one I really need to be there with Mom. I know you ( and Amy ) will be there in spirit but I am selfish because I want more. I want you there where I can see you. Please Ty.. make yourself very present on that day. That is what I ask of you. Mom needs this. Thank you!
 Ok.. I have so many prayers to type to you so I better get started with them! November 5~ Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing,.....I will make a way in the wilderness & rivers in the desert. Almighty God, I seem to have lost my sense of direction lately. I keep repeating the same mistakes, & I always seem to be banging up against the same obstacles over & over again. I could use some direction-----that is, some insight to help me learn what I'm supposed to learn from my troubles----so I don't make the same mistakes. I pray that you will show me the steps along the way & that you will constantly adjust my path with your wisdom & loving kindness. Thank you, God. God provides signposts to help us find our way along this ever--changing journey. Oh.. I find myself doing this more often than I would like to. I pray daily that things will change & that I get back on the right path that I need to be. 
 November 6~ O my God,.... We do not present our supplication before you on the ground of our righteousness, but on the ground of your great mercies. Dear Lord, I humbly admit that I've been withholding certain parts of my life, thinking I could maintain my earthly ways & still be dedicated to you. But I'm finding again & again that your grace cannot truly change me until I sacrifice every bit of myself up to you. I want to become new in Christ, & so I come to you today to offer all my life to you, as a living sacrifice to your kingdom. Take me & mole me into what you desire, Lord, making me forever transformed by your love. Amen. When we fill our days with the noisy blur of constant activity, we miss the gifts & blessings of the silence& stillness. I find as I get older that I can not do this. I can not withhold anything from you if I want to give myself to you completely. I need you in my life & I ask daily for you to be in it. I work on this every day, Lord. I hope I can make you proud!
 November 7~ Restore to me the joy of your salvation & sustain in me a willing spirit. Sometimes God, I feel like a withered-up plant in desperate need of sunshine & water, but there seems to be neither in sight. Then I remember my source, & I turn to the warmth of your love to be replenished & renewed & to open my heart to the sun again. Like rain, you quench my thirst & wash away my fears. Your loving light scatters the darkness I stumble about in. I feel that I can hold my head up high again, in the renewing grace of your presence in my life. Thank you Lord for the blessings I receive from you.
 November 8~ One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, & one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city. Heavenly Father, I want to forgive. My mind tells my heart to let go of the past, but I just can't. My human weakness makes me remember every slight & misdeed done to me. Lord, help me release the hurt & anger & move to the place of acceptance. I want to soften my hardened heart & create a new relationship, one that is built on love & trust & one that is consecrated to you. Amen. Let you anger set with the sun & not rise again with it. Oh wow... this is something that I struggle with all the time. In my personal life to family & friends. I am an emotional person & get hurt very easy. I try to mend all these broken wounds & heal but some are just so deep that I get lost trying. Loosing you, Tyler is the toughest & hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I don't know if my heart will ever mend from this. I try but I don't succeed at all. Please Lord, help me to have a forgiving heart when it comes to me losing my only child. I need to find this to make things better in my life. Thank you.
 November 9~ Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, & will not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength & my might; he has become my salvation. Holy God, even in times of fear & uncertainty, please remind me that you always surround me. With every breath I take, let me breathe in your merciful comforting presence. With every beat of my heart, let me feel your Spirit envelop me. I ask that you make me yours, totally & completely, Lord, & let me rest in the loving refuge of your arms. Amen. Please Lord, I ask of this from you. Thank you!
 Well, Tyler those are the prayers. I finally caught up to them. I have been typing this letter to you for the last 1 1/2 hours...lol! Now the afternoon is done & it has become early evening here. Soon the sun will set & it will be the night sky. I will look for the stars & moon to be shining brightly tonight. I will whisper to you as I always do my sweet precious son. Hope you can hear me. I wish that your evening will be fulfilled with all that you need it to be wherever you are. I miss you so much & I love you beyond any words could ever say. You are forever in my heart, mind & soul. I will see you in my dreams.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! I am so sorry that I have not been able to write to you the last several nights. It has been crushing me that I couldn't but Mom has just been so sick. I have been in bed the last 4 days/nights. Today has been the first day that I was up & moving around. I don't quite know what has been going on but I hadn't gotten any sleep either. I know you know that I am not fibbing to you... I know you can see what I am going through. I call on you to be there for Mom to help me. I need you, I always will need you... every day for the rest of my life. 
 It is late right now as I had to go shopping, put everything away, make dinner, dishes, etc... the night sky is upon us & I will have to walk Snickers in a few. I hope to see the stars & moon shining brightly. Mark told me the other night that the moon was amazing. I smiled but it made me sad as I had to miss it. I will whisper to you tonight. I hope that you will be able to hear Mom. 
 I have all day tomorrow to write you such a long letter & catch up on the daily prayers to you. I think I have 6 to write now. It will be a very long letter but so worth it. I have missed so much in the last 4 - 5 days. Haven't spoken to anyone really. Just didn't feel like it. I was in pain & so tired. It was awful. I hope that it is all behind me now so that I can get back on track. Mark took such good care of Mom this whole week. You would be so proud of him. He is keeping his promise to you pumpkin. I know that makes you & him so very happy. 
 I am going to end this letter to you for now. I want to get another good night sleep so until tomorrow when I write to you more. Have a restful & peaceful evening my sweet precious son. I miss you so much & I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. Sweet dreams. You are always in my heart & soul. You are always on my mind...24/7. 
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!