Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Hope you are doing wonderful on this Wednesday afternoon. Mom is doing ok today. Had a rough morning of sleep because of nightmares, but other than that I am well. I hate having nightmares about you. It tears me up & hurts more than ever. They are so real though. It always seems to happen during the middle of the months when my days are the hardest.. 18 - 20th of every month since you passed. I can't believe that tomorrow it is exactly to the day 17 months since I saw your face. It kills me. Writing to you right now is bringing me to tears. I try really hard not to be negative but I hate this. I hate not having you with me. Some of Mom's friends are having babies while others are able to watch their children grow & it stings. I am blessed to have had all the 22 years with you but I want to be selfish.. I wanted longer. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to you. I wasn't ready to kiss your face for the last time or hold your hand. I wasn't prepared to never hear your voice again, to hear your laugh, or see that beautiful smile you had. I ask for forgiveness daily because of the way I feel. I hope you forgive me too. I want to make you proud. I want to honor you not hurt you with the way I am or the way I act at times. 
 We received some good news today. Aunt Shirley's biopsies all came back negative! Horray for that! Power of prayer is good! I am so happy for her. I know you were watching over her too so thank you, Tyler. John had a 5 week check up & even though he doesn't feel there has been progress his doctor is happy where things are. He will have another follow up appointment in 6 weeks.. New Year's Eve. I can't even believe that in 6 weeks we will be celebrating a new year. That is so crazy to me. 
 Also, if you could please watch out & be with Meme she is going through a tougher time with Bob & her job. She really could use the extra prayers. She is so stressed out & I am worried about her. Thanks! Grandpa & Debbie are well so that is great to hear!
 I want to start the daily prayers that I have missed in the last couple days to you. November 18~ Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who has promised is faithful. Dear God, there isn't much in this world of which we can be absolutely sure. We're one meeting with the boss away from losing our jobs in a layoff & one phone call from the doctor away from finding out our health is seriously compromised. Our children can disappoint us, & even marriages can become shaky. We have no guarantees about our finances, & even the most expensive automobile is likely to break down sometime. So where is our security? Where should we place our trust? O, Lord, we praise you because we know it is in you. You & you alone will never change, & you will never disappoint us. You are always faithful, Lord, & so we place our hope in you & your promises. I have nothing to say to this daily prayer. It is pretty cut in dry. If you allow & let God into your life it will be fulfilling & it will be happy. I am learning this every day. Thank you God for all you do on a daily basis for me. Amen.
 November 19~ Then the Angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from throne of God & of the Lord. Lord, Jesus, it is too easy to seek comfort from material things---- from a new car of sofa, from a trip to the mall or to the movies. But you are not found in worldly things. The only true source of everlasting comfort is your love--- the living water you offer us from your very lips. Let me remember to seek first your will, perfect & divine. It is only then that my weary heart will rest & find sanctuary. Amen. 
 The nigh sky has fallen quickly this evening as we are in for more rain over the next several days. Last night I was surprised to have seen the stars shining brightly. I hope to see them tonight as well. Haven't seen the moon though but that is ok. I will whisper to you as I always do. I hope your night is complete with peace, love & happiness. All the things I long for you to have. I love you so much Tyler. I miss you more than I can ever express. Know that you are forever in my heart, mind, & soul. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Watch over us all like I know you do.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!