Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing today on this Monday early evening? I hope wherever you are that things are the happiest & most comforting for you. Mom is doing the best I can be. The last 4 days have been pretty hectic & busy for Mark & I. I am sorry that I haven't had the chance to write to you. When I don't I miss you even more than I usually do. I do however talk to you more on those days. I hope you can hear ever word that I say to you. I mean it all & it comes from my heart. 
 Let's see.. Friday night I went & picked up my wedding dress. It came out beautiful. I really love it. The traffic was awful... welcome to City living! Took us 45 minutes to go 10 miles..just crazy. We got home around 8:30 pm. Saturday we did our usually grocery shopping & errands. By the time that was finished & dinner & dishes done I was so tired. It has been so cold here. 40's during the day with rain & wind & 30's at night. We have a fire place so Mark has been making sure that we are cozy & warm. Even Snickers has been cold. He has been shaking. Haven't seen that for a couple years now. He lays right near the fire. It is cute. Sunday we stayed home but we got all the stuff together for the wedding, & packed it all up. I even packed my clothes. Did lots of cooking & baking as well. Has a skype call with Mark's Dad & Step Mom until 7:30pm & then I just relaxed & watched tv for a couple hours. I wasn't feeling all that great so I just needed to do nothing & veg out. Didn't really speak to any family this weekend but everyone sounds like they are well. Anxious to see us in another month! I did hear that Aunt Shirley will get her test results back on Wednesday so my fingers are crossed for her. Mark is also interviewing for another job with a completely different company. He has had 2 out of the 3 interviews & things look very promising! Last interview is tomorrow. If all goes well we will be packing up here in Texas & moving again towards the end of December or beginning of January. Please whatever you can do Ty would be great. The new job & new move would benefit so many of our family & friends plus Mark & I. Will keep you posted as I know of things!
 Here are the 4 daily prayers that I have missed the last few days.... November 14~ When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them. I want my heart to be more like yours, Lord. I want a heart that sees the need before it is expressed, the hurt before the tears flow, & the pain even before the wound is inflicted. How many times a day do I walk by someone who could use a hand, a word, even a smile & totally miss the opportunity to be your representative on earth? Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Let your compassion go with me wherever I go. God sometimes uses our hands to comfort those in need. I would like to believe that I have a good heart & I am compassionate most of my days. I lend an hear to those who need to vent, I have in the past several times gave shelter to those in need, I try to smile to everyone I walk by & say hello to them. I even give money to the homeless. I don't have a lot of things but what I have is enough for me. Yeah, I could want more but I don't. I like to help others. I have always been this way & I will continue to. Nothing will ever change that!
 November 15~ [ Jesus said ] " Let the little children come to me," ..... And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, & blessed them. Lord, today I ask you to be with all the parents- to - be who secretly worry. " What if I don't love this baby when it's born? " What a surprise they have in store, Lord! For from your overflowing bounty of love you always deliver a generous portion to each one. And when the second baby comes? You simply double the capacity for love. Thank you, Lord, for a parent's love. Something that pure & precious could only come from you. The greatest gift that the Lord could give a woman & a man is to become parents. I have been blessed by God to have been a Mom for almost 23 years. Tyler, I was so proud & honored to have been your Mom. The years were tough but we managed the best that we could. I never did have anymore children because I couldn't. I guess that was the Lords way of saying that one child was going to need all my attention. I was more than happy to just have had you. Oh how I miss you now. I miss everything. I wish I could have had more time with you but I am blessed at all the years I did have as they could have been so many less. I love you Tyler. Never forget this..ever!
 November 16~ It is good to give thanks to the Lord. Lord, I need to confess something today. In spite of all the riches you've given me, I sometimes find myself wanting something someone else has----that perfect job, a larger house, or even those great looking shoes. Forgive me for being ungrateful. Lord. You have blessed me in so many ways. You have given me riches beyond compare through your Son, Jesus Christ. Please decrease my envy, Lord, & increase my gratitude. Amen. I was just saying this exact thing earlier..funny how this was yesterday's prayer. There are so many things that I want but as I get older I go through a series of questions & basically at the end I talk myself out of it. I have all kinds of wonderful things in my life. I really don't need anything else. I am grateful for all that I have. As I sit here & type this.. I realize the one thing I do want I can't have. I would want you back, Tyler. I know that that can't happen so I again..don't need anything. 
 November 17~ Jesus said to them " I am the bread of the life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, & whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. God, sometimes I feel like a stale loaf of bread, as if I am living the same day over & over. I feel tired & resigned to living half a life, just getting by. I pray you will light a fire within me & reignite in me the interests & passions I once had that made my life so unique & filled with delight. Rekindle my desire to be better each day, to not settle for less, & to lift my eyes upward to what is possible, not downward to what is impossible. Fill me with a newfound purpose, that I may become as new as freshly baked bread. It's never too late to be a joyful explorer. This prayer hits home for me. I have been feeling this way for the past 17 months since you left this earth, Tyler. I feel I have no purpose even though I know I do. I just can't find it. There are days that I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I can't make decisions on some days. I am not the same person I once was. I try but nothing! Sometimes I feel happy & I laugh but then I feel guilty because I lost you & I shouldn't be laughing or enjoying life. Grief has gotten the best of me. I am in a rut & not sure what to do. I do pray every day to get help. I will continue to ask for this help for as long as I live. I will need it. Losing you has been the toughest for me of all my 43 years. It is so painful & it hurts like crazy. I will never get over losing you but I do hope one day it can be easier... today is just not the day for that....
 The night sky is upon us now. It is getting darker & much cooler. I hope that you will have a nice, comfortable, & peaceful evening. I don't think I will see the moon & stars shining brightly but I will hope that I do. I will whisper to you this evening as I walk Snickers. Please continue to watch over us. Thank you for all you do. It means so much to Mom. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. I love you with all my heart. I miss you so much. You are forever in my heart, mind, & soul.
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!