Dear Tyler,

Hi my sweet son! How are you doing on this Thursday evening? I hope that you are doing so many things in so many places. I hope that you get to learn & do all the things you need to & want to. Mom is having an extra rough day today. So many emotions are going on in Mom's head. It is so hard for me at this time every month but even worse right now. I have a very hard time with knowing  & remembering that 2 years ago today was the last time we spoke, the last time I heard your voice, the last time I saw your face, your smile. I remember that conversation & hold onto it so tightly. It haunts Mom every month but just more in the month of June. I hate this. I get angry all over again. I don't want to be angry but I am as I am constantly reminder of what was taken away from me, too fast & way to soon. It is a reminder of what I was ( and what you were ) robbed of as being a Mom. I don't get to see you grow older, get married, have a family.... I get none of that as you were my only child. I wish all the time that this is a sick nightmare & that you will come back to me & we will continue right where we left off. I would give anything to have you back & care for you again. I want nothing more to be your Mom again. I know that deep down this is just a sick twisted game that I play in my head, I know it is wrong, but it helps me cope. It helps me day to day. I said it before & I will say it again... I wish I could have you back. I wonder every day what really happened that night & the next morning. I will never get the answers so I will always wonder. It hurts so much. 2 years ago, Mom was living in Oklahoma when all this took place. Everything is so vivid with details but I try to block it out as the pain is so intense. I hate this feeling. I hurt every day & nothing will ever take that pain away or make it better. Now, Mom is back in New England & trying every day to cope & get by. I know you are with me every day. I know you would never leave my side. It will always be the 2 of us just in a different way now. 

 Here is the daily prayer for today. June 18~ But it from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, thou shall seek him with all thy heart & with all thy soul. Comfort us, God, when we come to this awesome conclusion: What did not satisfy us when we finally laid hold of it was surely not the thing we were so long in seeking. Yes, comfort us by this recognition: In all our longings, we are only yearning for you. 
 The evening sky is upon us now. The last 2 nights we have had beautiful sunsets for Mom to see. I hope there is another one tonight. I haven't seen the stars or moon shining in a few nights so I am hoping to see them tonight as well. I will whisper to you as I always do regardless of what is or isn't in the sky. I know you are shining bright wherever you may be. 
 I miss you so much, Tyler. I love you to the moon & back & all the way around the world. You will forever be in my heart, mind, & soul my sweet precious son. May you have the sweetest of dreams tonight & may Mom see you in her own dreams when she falls asleep. 
 Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!