Dear Tyler,
Hi pumpkin! How are you doing today? I hope you are doing really well. Mom is doing ok but honestly I am really pissed off right now. I just got word from Aunt Shirley that someone stole the green solar lights from your grave site at the cemetery. First it was the dolphin wind chime and now this??? What is going on with people in Claremont??? Are they that hard up to take and steal things??? I am just so sick to my stomach right now it is not funny. The town won't even do anything about it either. They say it happens all the time. Tyler... I know that you see what is going on and who is doing this. Make sure you put your little spin on things and make them see that this is NOT right. I want you to have a nice site for family and friends to go and visit with you and talk to you. I don't want your site to be empty with nothing. That hurts Mom and breaks my heart. Please do something about this for me, ok? Thank you. You mean everything to me and deserve the best there is! I love you so much and want to honor you in every way that I can.
Other than that.... like I said I am doing ok. I restarted my work outs in the morning again. While I was unpacking I didn't do it because I was getting enough of a work out. After I was done with that I waited for a few days to recover from the pain. I was feeling good today so I said I was going to start up again. It hurt like hell but felt good after I was finished. I am trying to loose inches and pounds but also I want to tone up too. I am doing this to feel healthy and better plus I would like to loose a few for when Marion & Charlie's wedding comes around in June! I have roughly 5 months to go before I can't have alterations done for the dress that I will be wearing. I can do it. I am keeping a positive attitude and staying strong! I know you would be proud of me. The color that I will be wearing is a deep purple. Us girls will be in the same color but we get to choose the style of the dress we want. I think that is so cool. I think I am going to go for something medium length. Nothing short or nothing long..something just right..lol!
I hear that Meme and Grandpa come to visit you often. I make sure to talk to them on a weekly basis. I miss them just as much as they miss me. This is a learning experience for us all. I have always been the one that was around them and was there and now that is not the case. I kinda feel guilty about that. I want to be there for them and I always will be but I need to be here right now. I think it would be really hard for Mom to be in NH at this time. Maybe someday I will return there but just not now. Please do me another favor and watch over Meme and Grandpa along with the rest of our family. That would mean alot for Mom. Let them know that you are around them. Thank you pumpkin!
Your Dad texted me last night. He was checking in to see if I was ok. We chatted back and forth for a few. I know by what he said he is still having a hard time dealing with all this. He is just feeling guilty and awful for all the times he wasn't there for you and didn't see you. I told him he needed to let it go and that you forgave him. He said he was trying. He really really needs you Tyler. He wants to see you and keeps asking for you. Please go to him and help him. I know you have tried but no luck, but please don't give up. Just keep trying! Again... thank you!
I hope that you continue to watch over Mom too. I need it as well. I am still having a difficult time with all this too, but I guess I can deal with it better than some. I know in my heart you are happy and having the time of your life up there in Heaven. I guess I wish I could see it. You are my everything. You always will be!
I hope you have a great night and that you have many sweet dreams. Again..as always I will look up to the sky tonight and look for the brightest star and know it is you shining down on me. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi Buddy! How are you doing on this Sunday afternoon? I hope that you are doing super and you are smiling your sweet Cheshire Cat grin to all that you are seeing up there in Heaven. Mom is relaxing today and getting ready to watch the Cowboy Football game in the next hour. They are playing the Chargers... wonder if they are going to lose this game too. I know I know.. I can hear you now.... The Cowboys suck! I love you for all the times you ragged on me for liking the Cowboys! Things are going ok here. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is going to be October very soon and it is still like 90 flipping degrees here. I think I am going to love the Winter months though. Don't have to worry about a furnace or shoveling anymore. It will be a very nice change. I have finally finished unpacking our boxes and have some pictures on the wall. I need to get more things to hang stuff up. I have my most favorite painting that you gave me up on the wall in my bedroom. Every time I look at it I think of you and smile. I love that painting so much and I even have the photos of you in school painting it. I wish you would have realized that you were so talented in the painting field. You never thought you were good enough. I always use to say to you that you were awesome at painting. That is why I was always asking you to paint me more pictures. I do have all the paintings here with me that you painted. The Basset Hound, the Roses, the other flowers, etc... I will eventually get them matted and framed as well.
I wanted to tell you that today in Massachusetts, Uncle Dick & Aunt Jacqui had a Mass said for you at their Church. She posted it on Facebook the other day. The Mass started at 11am Eastern Time. I was so touched to hear this. I thought it was amazing that they did that for you. I wish that I was closer to home because I would have driven to their Church to be a part of it. I am so thankful for having the family and friends that I do. They are all so special to Mom for so many reasons. They are simply just wonderful. They have been a huge support group for me since you passed. Every one checks in on me to make sure I am doing well. It really means a lot to me. I have my days as you know. Most are good but there are the days that are hard for Mom. I get by though. I miss you so much and think of you every day and every night. I love you Tyler.
I hope that you are getting to do all the things that you want to do. I hope that you are learning a lot of things as well. It must be so neat to be able to be in so many places at once instead of being in just one spot at a time. I try to think of the way it must be for you but I think it is just way to hard for me to grasp the concept..lol! I hope that you are watching over all your friends and family that need it. I haven't heard from your Dad in several weeks so I am hoping that he is doing well. I know he was having a hard time with all this. I tried to help him but I just wasn't getting through to him. I hope that you are helping him out.
I hope that you have a great rest of the afternoon and evening. I will make sure later tonight to look up to the sky and say hello and I love you. I know you will be the brightest star up in the sky. I wish you sweet dreams and tons of hugs and love from Mom. Take care my precious son. You are my everything. Always will be! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi Buddy! How are you doing on this Sunday afternoon? I hope that you are doing super and you are smiling your sweet Cheshire Cat grin to all that you are seeing up there in Heaven. Mom is relaxing today and getting ready to watch the Cowboy Football game in the next hour. They are playing the Chargers... wonder if they are going to lose this game too. I know I know.. I can hear you now.... The Cowboys suck! I love you for all the times you ragged on me for liking the Cowboys! Things are going ok here. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it is going to be October very soon and it is still like 90 flipping degrees here. I think I am going to love the Winter months though. Don't have to worry about a furnace or shoveling anymore. It will be a very nice change. I have finally finished unpacking our boxes and have some pictures on the wall. I need to get more things to hang stuff up. I have my most favorite painting that you gave me up on the wall in my bedroom. Every time I look at it I think of you and smile. I love that painting so much and I even have the photos of you in school painting it. I wish you would have realized that you were so talented in the painting field. You never thought you were good enough. I always use to say to you that you were awesome at painting. That is why I was always asking you to paint me more pictures. I do have all the paintings here with me that you painted. The Basset Hound, the Roses, the other flowers, etc... I will eventually get them matted and framed as well.
I wanted to tell you that today in Massachusetts, Uncle Dick & Aunt Jacqui had a Mass said for you at their Church. She posted it on Facebook the other day. The Mass started at 11am Eastern Time. I was so touched to hear this. I thought it was amazing that they did that for you. I wish that I was closer to home because I would have driven to their Church to be a part of it. I am so thankful for having the family and friends that I do. They are all so special to Mom for so many reasons. They are simply just wonderful. They have been a huge support group for me since you passed. Every one checks in on me to make sure I am doing well. It really means a lot to me. I have my days as you know. Most are good but there are the days that are hard for Mom. I get by though. I miss you so much and think of you every day and every night. I love you Tyler.
I hope that you are getting to do all the things that you want to do. I hope that you are learning a lot of things as well. It must be so neat to be able to be in so many places at once instead of being in just one spot at a time. I try to think of the way it must be for you but I think it is just way to hard for me to grasp the concept..lol! I hope that you are watching over all your friends and family that need it. I haven't heard from your Dad in several weeks so I am hoping that he is doing well. I know he was having a hard time with all this. I tried to help him but I just wasn't getting through to him. I hope that you are helping him out.
I hope that you have a great rest of the afternoon and evening. I will make sure later tonight to look up to the sky and say hello and I love you. I know you will be the brightest star up in the sky. I wish you sweet dreams and tons of hugs and love from Mom. Take care my precious son. You are my everything. Always will be! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hello pumpkin! How are you doing tonight? I hope all is well with you and you are the happiest that you have ever been! Mom is doing much better today. The last couple days I have a little bit of a stomach bug. It was kind of harsh but all is ok now. Getting ready for the weekend to start. Tomorrow is Saturday an we have 2 little girls coming over to dog sit for us. We needed to do something because our neighbor upstairs kept complaining that Max was always barking when we left so we needed to get creative. The girls are 8 & 10 years old. Their Mom says no to a puppy right now so this is the best that they can get at this time. They need to prove to their Mom that they can care for a pet before they can get their own. I think it is a great idea not to mention it is helping us out too. I just hope that Max & Snickers are good and don't act up for them. Sunday will be a haircut for Mom and then watching football. Yup that is right... Cowboys are playing! I am hoping that they win. I know you love it when they loose. You used to rub it in my face when they lost...lol! I miss those times when we would pick on one another. The innocent picking. The smiling and laughing we would do after was so awesome. I remember those times in my head now and know that those are just more memories I have to cherish. Thank you for so many fun times. The days we would play games, watch movies, take walks, or simply just talk. We had so many times we would just laugh and other times we would cry. We had many times that we didn't have to say anything at all to one another.... we just knew what the other was thinking or feeling. I sure miss all those times. I am so grateful that I had all the years I did with you. I am so grateful that I got to see you grow from a baby to a grown young man. I hope you know just how much I love you and what you still mean to me. You forever will be the only one to always have my heart. I love you with everything I have. That will never change.
I hope that you have a peaceful and quiet night. May you have sweet dreams my precious son. Continue to watch over me and everyone else. Love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hello pumpkin! How are you doing tonight? I hope all is well with you and you are the happiest that you have ever been! Mom is doing much better today. The last couple days I have a little bit of a stomach bug. It was kind of harsh but all is ok now. Getting ready for the weekend to start. Tomorrow is Saturday an we have 2 little girls coming over to dog sit for us. We needed to do something because our neighbor upstairs kept complaining that Max was always barking when we left so we needed to get creative. The girls are 8 & 10 years old. Their Mom says no to a puppy right now so this is the best that they can get at this time. They need to prove to their Mom that they can care for a pet before they can get their own. I think it is a great idea not to mention it is helping us out too. I just hope that Max & Snickers are good and don't act up for them. Sunday will be a haircut for Mom and then watching football. Yup that is right... Cowboys are playing! I am hoping that they win. I know you love it when they loose. You used to rub it in my face when they lost...lol! I miss those times when we would pick on one another. The innocent picking. The smiling and laughing we would do after was so awesome. I remember those times in my head now and know that those are just more memories I have to cherish. Thank you for so many fun times. The days we would play games, watch movies, take walks, or simply just talk. We had so many times we would just laugh and other times we would cry. We had many times that we didn't have to say anything at all to one another.... we just knew what the other was thinking or feeling. I sure miss all those times. I am so grateful that I had all the years I did with you. I am so grateful that I got to see you grow from a baby to a grown young man. I hope you know just how much I love you and what you still mean to me. You forever will be the only one to always have my heart. I love you with everything I have. That will never change.
I hope that you have a peaceful and quiet night. May you have sweet dreams my precious son. Continue to watch over me and everyone else. Love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey my sweet son! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. I can't believe that it is the end of September and it is still 90 degrees outside here. So hot and humid still. NH is getting the Fall weather and even some Winter weather right now. Meme and Grandpa keep me posted on it all. Sure do miss them like crazy. Never been away from NH or family for this long. It is so weird to be away from everything that I have ever known. I am still getting things prepped for a long weekend trip back home very soon. I plan to see as many friends and family as I can in a few short days. I promise to stop and visit with you every day. I can't wait to get your " ground stone " put in. I am still debating on the color... black or gray granite. I think you would like the black granite better but it will have to depend on the cost. With Mom not working it is kind of hard to do things. I am hoping that will change soon too. I plan on going to look for work very soon. Look out for Mom on this..will ya??? Thanks pumpkin! I miss you so much. So many times I go to pick up the phone or to turn on skype to chat with you. It is then everything becomes a huge reality for me that you are really gone. These 3 months have been the longest in my life ever. I miss my little boys voice. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your attitude. I miss your sense of humor. I just miss you every second of every minute of every day. My life is just not the same without you in it. I have a such a huge void that will never close or be filled. That was the bond you and I had together. Mother and Son... there is nothing like it in the world. The blessings you gave me will always be held so close to my heart and soul. The memories I will always cherish. I wish nightly that I could have 1 more day with you. To tell you things I never could, to hold you, to hug you, to kiss your sweet face, but the problem with that is I would never want that day to end. That would be Mom being selfish. I hope that Heaven knows just how lucky they are to have you up there with all of them. I envy the Angels. I really do. Tonight... I will look to the sky and tell you I love you. I hope you go to your star on a regular basis and think of Mom. I love you with all my heart. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey my sweet son! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. I can't believe that it is the end of September and it is still 90 degrees outside here. So hot and humid still. NH is getting the Fall weather and even some Winter weather right now. Meme and Grandpa keep me posted on it all. Sure do miss them like crazy. Never been away from NH or family for this long. It is so weird to be away from everything that I have ever known. I am still getting things prepped for a long weekend trip back home very soon. I plan to see as many friends and family as I can in a few short days. I promise to stop and visit with you every day. I can't wait to get your " ground stone " put in. I am still debating on the color... black or gray granite. I think you would like the black granite better but it will have to depend on the cost. With Mom not working it is kind of hard to do things. I am hoping that will change soon too. I plan on going to look for work very soon. Look out for Mom on this..will ya??? Thanks pumpkin! I miss you so much. So many times I go to pick up the phone or to turn on skype to chat with you. It is then everything becomes a huge reality for me that you are really gone. These 3 months have been the longest in my life ever. I miss my little boys voice. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your attitude. I miss your sense of humor. I just miss you every second of every minute of every day. My life is just not the same without you in it. I have a such a huge void that will never close or be filled. That was the bond you and I had together. Mother and Son... there is nothing like it in the world. The blessings you gave me will always be held so close to my heart and soul. The memories I will always cherish. I wish nightly that I could have 1 more day with you. To tell you things I never could, to hold you, to hug you, to kiss your sweet face, but the problem with that is I would never want that day to end. That would be Mom being selfish. I hope that Heaven knows just how lucky they are to have you up there with all of them. I envy the Angels. I really do. Tonight... I will look to the sky and tell you I love you. I hope you go to your star on a regular basis and think of Mom. I love you with all my heart. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hello my precious son! I hope you had a great day. I finally finished unpacking all the boxes today. I think I did pretty good... took me 4 days to do it all. Not bad if I do say so myself. All that is left to do is put up the pictures on the walls and we are completely done. Aunt Becky & Uncle John will be coming soon for a visit and bringing Mom's car down. That will be nice. I will enjoy being able to get out when I want and go shopping or whatever. I am gong to start looking for a job as well now that everything is finished here. Need to go shopping this weekend for a computer desk and a couple chairs to finish up the office. I wish you were here like you were suppose to be. I had almost everything set up for you to come down here to live. I know that you see the apartment and me but it just isn't the same. Today when I was putting away more things I found your Goofy Xmas Stocking. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes and remembered the time when he got it in Florida. Every picture has a memory with it that I remember so vividly. In my mind I can turn the clock back to when it was taken or when we were somewhere and bought something. I love my mind for those times! I hope I never loose that ability. It is another way that keeps me close to you. I miss you more than words could ever say and I know you know this but I will NEVER stop telling you or reminding you. You will forever be close to me and in my heart.
I am going to go through the pictures and do a collage of you. There are just so many to choose from. Maybe I will do a couple of them. I hope when you see them you will say I did you proud. I just want you to be happy! That is all I have ever wanted. I hope you are doing all that you want to and then some. I hope you are flying high and flying free. I hope you are never bored and you are learning so much up there in Heaven.
Your favorite Holiday is coming up. Did you see the Jack thing I posted to your FB page yesterday? Your favorite! I wonder what Halloween will be like here. I have always wondered how it is celebrated in other states. Guess I will be finding out! This weekend when we go shopping I will have to look for Candy Corn or that Harvest Mix with the big pumpkins in it! Remember last year when I brought a couple bags and we ate it all day long? Boy I was so sick that night..lol. They are so good so it was worth it.
Well, I hope that you have a wonderful night. When we walk the dogs I will look to the sky and say hello just like I always do. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Sweet dreams my son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hello my precious son! I hope you had a great day. I finally finished unpacking all the boxes today. I think I did pretty good... took me 4 days to do it all. Not bad if I do say so myself. All that is left to do is put up the pictures on the walls and we are completely done. Aunt Becky & Uncle John will be coming soon for a visit and bringing Mom's car down. That will be nice. I will enjoy being able to get out when I want and go shopping or whatever. I am gong to start looking for a job as well now that everything is finished here. Need to go shopping this weekend for a computer desk and a couple chairs to finish up the office. I wish you were here like you were suppose to be. I had almost everything set up for you to come down here to live. I know that you see the apartment and me but it just isn't the same. Today when I was putting away more things I found your Goofy Xmas Stocking. I sat on the floor and closed my eyes and remembered the time when he got it in Florida. Every picture has a memory with it that I remember so vividly. In my mind I can turn the clock back to when it was taken or when we were somewhere and bought something. I love my mind for those times! I hope I never loose that ability. It is another way that keeps me close to you. I miss you more than words could ever say and I know you know this but I will NEVER stop telling you or reminding you. You will forever be close to me and in my heart.
I am going to go through the pictures and do a collage of you. There are just so many to choose from. Maybe I will do a couple of them. I hope when you see them you will say I did you proud. I just want you to be happy! That is all I have ever wanted. I hope you are doing all that you want to and then some. I hope you are flying high and flying free. I hope you are never bored and you are learning so much up there in Heaven.
Your favorite Holiday is coming up. Did you see the Jack thing I posted to your FB page yesterday? Your favorite! I wonder what Halloween will be like here. I have always wondered how it is celebrated in other states. Guess I will be finding out! This weekend when we go shopping I will have to look for Candy Corn or that Harvest Mix with the big pumpkins in it! Remember last year when I brought a couple bags and we ate it all day long? Boy I was so sick that night..lol. They are so good so it was worth it.
Well, I hope that you have a wonderful night. When we walk the dogs I will look to the sky and say hello just like I always do. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back and all the way around the world. Sweet dreams my son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi pumpkin! I am so sorry that Mom has not written to again in 3 nights, but as you know and can see I have been busy opening and putting away our belongings the last 3 days. It is so nice to see our things again after they have been in storage for the last 8 months, but boy am I old... I am in so much pain from bending and stretching from it all...lol! There have been a lot of emotions running through me as well. Many smiles and tears of happiness and sadness too as each box is opened. I have enjoyed looking at photos that I had forgot about. I found all the cards you gave me through the years and read each one. I have all the paintings that you too. I am going to buy some new frames and hang them on the walls in the apartment. I found your little blue blanket you used to lay your head on when you went to bed. I put it up to my face and noticed it still smelled like you. That made me smile. Oh yeah... I found " Binky " aka.." Stinky Binky " too. Laughed out loud when I saw the patch marks from when Dee caught it on fire in the microwave. I can hear you laughing now. Wasn't too long ago that we were talking about that and laughing. I sure do miss those times. I miss you. So many memories of us and family and friends through the years. I almost forgot.... What else did I find???? You got it the TMNT School Bus & Shredder! I remember you wanted that bus so bad. You were so patient for 3 weeks until Mom could afford it. One of the best $40.00 I ever spent. Your face was priceless when I gave it to you! Thank you for all the wonderful times. All the talks we had through the years. The pictures, letters, cards, paintings. I cherish them. I cherish you.
I wanted you to also know that I have contacted Facebook to have them Memorialize your profile page. This way nobody can go into it and do anything. It is a safe haven for all to post things to you. No one can be deleted from your page and unfortunately no one can be added either. I hope I made the right choice. I just want to Honor you in the right way. The way you deserve to be. You were a Hero to so many people. Family, friends, and to folks you never knew. You still are our Hero. When times get tough for Mom.. I think of you and all that you went through. I still draw strength from you. I know I always will. We may be separated from the physical world but we will always be connected. I feel it!
I am going to close this letter for now and get some much needed rest. I hope you have a wonderful night. My you have sweet dreams my precious son. I miss you and I love you so much. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi pumpkin! I am so sorry that Mom has not written to again in 3 nights, but as you know and can see I have been busy opening and putting away our belongings the last 3 days. It is so nice to see our things again after they have been in storage for the last 8 months, but boy am I old... I am in so much pain from bending and stretching from it all...lol! There have been a lot of emotions running through me as well. Many smiles and tears of happiness and sadness too as each box is opened. I have enjoyed looking at photos that I had forgot about. I found all the cards you gave me through the years and read each one. I have all the paintings that you too. I am going to buy some new frames and hang them on the walls in the apartment. I found your little blue blanket you used to lay your head on when you went to bed. I put it up to my face and noticed it still smelled like you. That made me smile. Oh yeah... I found " Binky " aka.." Stinky Binky " too. Laughed out loud when I saw the patch marks from when Dee caught it on fire in the microwave. I can hear you laughing now. Wasn't too long ago that we were talking about that and laughing. I sure do miss those times. I miss you. So many memories of us and family and friends through the years. I almost forgot.... What else did I find???? You got it the TMNT School Bus & Shredder! I remember you wanted that bus so bad. You were so patient for 3 weeks until Mom could afford it. One of the best $40.00 I ever spent. Your face was priceless when I gave it to you! Thank you for all the wonderful times. All the talks we had through the years. The pictures, letters, cards, paintings. I cherish them. I cherish you.
I wanted you to also know that I have contacted Facebook to have them Memorialize your profile page. This way nobody can go into it and do anything. It is a safe haven for all to post things to you. No one can be deleted from your page and unfortunately no one can be added either. I hope I made the right choice. I just want to Honor you in the right way. The way you deserve to be. You were a Hero to so many people. Family, friends, and to folks you never knew. You still are our Hero. When times get tough for Mom.. I think of you and all that you went through. I still draw strength from you. I know I always will. We may be separated from the physical world but we will always be connected. I feel it!
I am going to close this letter for now and get some much needed rest. I hope you have a wonderful night. My you have sweet dreams my precious son. I miss you and I love you so much. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Please continue to watch over me and the rest of the family. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi my sweet precious son. Today is a hard day for Mom as you know. Again.. I didn't sleep well because my head was remembering all the nightmares of what happened. In a couple hours ( my time ) it will be 3 months since you left this physical world. The worst day of my entire life was losing you. I have so many questions about those days that will never get answered. Sometimes I am haunted of the unknown of what you went through, what was going through your head, were you scared, were you in pain, and so much more. I am so sorry that you had to do this without Mom. I know you were with a nurse from the facility and not alone but I just wish I was there. I wish that I could of held your hand. I wish that you could have heard my voice those days. I feel so much guilt for being so far away from you. I was there for you during your whole life and when you needed me the most I wasn't there and so many miles from you. It hurts me and I am not sure how to cope or deal with these emotions. I don't know but what I do know is I am not going to go back on my word. Every day I am going to celebrate my life and keep you alive as well. I am going to celebrate you by talking about you, reminiscing about our wonderful times together, laughing and smiling for me and for you. I know you don't want me to have the guilt or sadness. I know you want me to enjoy my life for now until we are reunited once again in Heaven. I need you near me. I need you watching over me. I need to know you are with Mom. I need signs to know you are here. This is what I ask of you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I always will. Like I have said before... you were my whole world and you still are. I can't and won't change that. I never will. I hope you get to have a wonderful evening with so many sweet dreams. I will look up to the sky this evening like I always do so be watching and waiting for me. I miss you so much and love you so much more. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi my sweet precious son. Today is a hard day for Mom as you know. Again.. I didn't sleep well because my head was remembering all the nightmares of what happened. In a couple hours ( my time ) it will be 3 months since you left this physical world. The worst day of my entire life was losing you. I have so many questions about those days that will never get answered. Sometimes I am haunted of the unknown of what you went through, what was going through your head, were you scared, were you in pain, and so much more. I am so sorry that you had to do this without Mom. I know you were with a nurse from the facility and not alone but I just wish I was there. I wish that I could of held your hand. I wish that you could have heard my voice those days. I feel so much guilt for being so far away from you. I was there for you during your whole life and when you needed me the most I wasn't there and so many miles from you. It hurts me and I am not sure how to cope or deal with these emotions. I don't know but what I do know is I am not going to go back on my word. Every day I am going to celebrate my life and keep you alive as well. I am going to celebrate you by talking about you, reminiscing about our wonderful times together, laughing and smiling for me and for you. I know you don't want me to have the guilt or sadness. I know you want me to enjoy my life for now until we are reunited once again in Heaven. I need you near me. I need you watching over me. I need to know you are with Mom. I need signs to know you are here. This is what I ask of you. I love you with all my heart and soul. I always will. Like I have said before... you were my whole world and you still are. I can't and won't change that. I never will. I hope you get to have a wonderful evening with so many sweet dreams. I will look up to the sky this evening like I always do so be watching and waiting for me. I miss you so much and love you so much more. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. Think I over did the workout video a little. I am sore all over...lol! I am all stuffy again too. Hopefully I am not getting sick again. I am hoping it has to do with not sleeping all that much last night. Seems to be the same thing each month since you passed. I don't sleep well on the 18th, 19th & 20th of the month. Maybe it is because the 18th was the last time we got to talk to each other and the other 2 days would be the phone calls, the traveling, and the worst day of my life. Reality sets in & I remember the horror of it all. I know it will be this way for a very long time but like I told you yesterday I am going to choose to not be depressed or mope around anymore. I am choosing to celebrate you every day by letting you see Mom smile and laugh and learn to enjoy life again. I want to make you proud. I want to do what I know you would want for me. I love you with all my heart. I know that there is no sadness, negativity, or pain in Heaven. I know you are happy and I want to make you even happier!
I wanted to say thank you for last night. When I went outside to walk the pups I looked up to the sky and saw the clouds like I never have before. The pattern was incredible. It was so cool with the Full Moon. Because of the clouds I only saw 3 stars twinkling bright. I smiled and said I loved you and missed you. I also said you were busy up there making the designs. I couldn't get over them so I went in and got my camera to capture the sky. The pictures came out pretty good. Thanks again pumpkin. You are simply amazing!
Everything else seems to be ok. Talk to Meme and Grandpa and Aunt Becky weekly. It makes me feel closer to home. I need that and I think they need it as well. The weather here is still so freakin hot. It is still in the high 90's and humid during the day and middle 70's at night. It rained so hard and heavy this morning and afternoon. It was crazy! Now it is sunny and humid again..lol!
I hope that you continue to have a wonderful afternoon, evening and night. I ask that you continue to watch over Mom and everyone else. Please help us to be safe and healthy. Protect us when we need it. I miss you so much. I love you forever and always. Fly high and free my sweet son. I will work on doing the same. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey pumpkin! How are you doing today? Mom is doing well. Think I over did the workout video a little. I am sore all over...lol! I am all stuffy again too. Hopefully I am not getting sick again. I am hoping it has to do with not sleeping all that much last night. Seems to be the same thing each month since you passed. I don't sleep well on the 18th, 19th & 20th of the month. Maybe it is because the 18th was the last time we got to talk to each other and the other 2 days would be the phone calls, the traveling, and the worst day of my life. Reality sets in & I remember the horror of it all. I know it will be this way for a very long time but like I told you yesterday I am going to choose to not be depressed or mope around anymore. I am choosing to celebrate you every day by letting you see Mom smile and laugh and learn to enjoy life again. I want to make you proud. I want to do what I know you would want for me. I love you with all my heart. I know that there is no sadness, negativity, or pain in Heaven. I know you are happy and I want to make you even happier!
I wanted to say thank you for last night. When I went outside to walk the pups I looked up to the sky and saw the clouds like I never have before. The pattern was incredible. It was so cool with the Full Moon. Because of the clouds I only saw 3 stars twinkling bright. I smiled and said I loved you and missed you. I also said you were busy up there making the designs. I couldn't get over them so I went in and got my camera to capture the sky. The pictures came out pretty good. Thanks again pumpkin. You are simply amazing!
Everything else seems to be ok. Talk to Meme and Grandpa and Aunt Becky weekly. It makes me feel closer to home. I need that and I think they need it as well. The weather here is still so freakin hot. It is still in the high 90's and humid during the day and middle 70's at night. It rained so hard and heavy this morning and afternoon. It was crazy! Now it is sunny and humid again..lol!
I hope that you continue to have a wonderful afternoon, evening and night. I ask that you continue to watch over Mom and everyone else. Please help us to be safe and healthy. Protect us when we need it. I miss you so much. I love you forever and always. Fly high and free my sweet son. I will work on doing the same. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! Today has been a good day. I wanted to share with you a status post that I did today on FB. Here it is:
Soooo.... the last few days I have done some major soul searching for myself. I sit here alone during the day and can't stop thinking about everything...family, friends, things and people I miss, finding a job, what I am going to do living so far away from everyone I love, etc... the list goes on and on. Friday the 20th will be 3 months since Tyler has been gone. Every day since then I have had heart ache, pain, a void that won't ever be filled, and such an emotional roller coaster ride. I have been in such a depression, sadness, and sick. I know Tyler doesn't want this for me as he looks down on his Mom. He wants to see me smile, laugh, and enjoy the rest of my life. So this is what I am doing from here on in: I am going to smile more, laugh more, love more, and start enjoying my life in the new city that I live in. I realize I will always grieve the loss of my son, I will always miss him and all my family and friends, but I need to move forward. I need to enjoy my new life and where I am. I need to embrace life with a positive attitude. I want Tyler to see my smile, & hear my laugh. Here is to the " new " me. to all my family and friends and THANK YOU for all the help and understanding through this tough time. It means so much to me
I wanted you to know that I needed to make some changes in my life because it was becoming unhealthy for Mom. I know you wouldn't want that so that is what I decided. Physically, I am doing an hour a day of working out and eating healthier. Emotionally & Mentally is where I needed to make the changes and that is why I wrote what I did and what I came up with. I want you to know that I will NEVER get over losing you. I will NEVER not miss you daily or stop loving you. I will NEVER fill the void that I have in my heart, BUT I know you want me to stop being so sad and depressed. I want to continue your legacy not by being sad, but living and enjoying life for myself and for you.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I miss you so much. I know you are doing AMAZING things up there in Heaven. I wouldn't expect anything less from you :). As always... tonight I will look up to the sky and find a star and make a wish for you like I always do. I hope you have a great night my precious sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
PS. Don't forget today is Mark's Birthday. Make sure when he is outside tonight and he looks up in the sky... you are telling him Happy Birthday and you love him by shining the biggest and brightest star that you can. Thanks Tyler! I love you always & forever!
Hey pumpkin! Today has been a good day. I wanted to share with you a status post that I did today on FB. Here it is:
Soooo.... the last few days I have done some major soul searching for myself. I sit here alone during the day and can't stop thinking about everything...family, friends, things and people I miss, finding a job, what I am going to do living so far away from everyone I love, etc... the list goes on and on. Friday the 20th will be 3 months since Tyler has been gone. Every day since then I have had heart ache, pain, a void that won't ever be filled, and such an emotional roller coaster ride. I have been in such a depression, sadness, and sick. I know Tyler doesn't want this for me as he looks down on his Mom. He wants to see me smile, laugh, and enjoy the rest of my life. So this is what I am doing from here on in: I am going to smile more, laugh more, love more, and start enjoying my life in the new city that I live in. I realize I will always grieve the loss of my son, I will always miss him and all my family and friends, but I need to move forward. I need to enjoy my new life and where I am. I need to embrace life with a positive attitude. I want Tyler to see my smile, & hear my laugh. Here is to the " new " me. to all my family and friends and THANK YOU for all the help and understanding through this tough time. It means so much to me
I wanted you to know that I needed to make some changes in my life because it was becoming unhealthy for Mom. I know you wouldn't want that so that is what I decided. Physically, I am doing an hour a day of working out and eating healthier. Emotionally & Mentally is where I needed to make the changes and that is why I wrote what I did and what I came up with. I want you to know that I will NEVER get over losing you. I will NEVER not miss you daily or stop loving you. I will NEVER fill the void that I have in my heart, BUT I know you want me to stop being so sad and depressed. I want to continue your legacy not by being sad, but living and enjoying life for myself and for you.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I miss you so much. I know you are doing AMAZING things up there in Heaven. I wouldn't expect anything less from you :). As always... tonight I will look up to the sky and find a star and make a wish for you like I always do. I hope you have a great night my precious sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
PS. Don't forget today is Mark's Birthday. Make sure when he is outside tonight and he looks up in the sky... you are telling him Happy Birthday and you love him by shining the biggest and brightest star that you can. Thanks Tyler! I love you always & forever!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a really busy day today and doing lots of things up there in Heaven. My day has been going ok. I am actually feeling much better today. Less runny nose and coughing. Thank God for that. I actually got up today and started an exercise routine. It is a 1 hour video that I can do 5 days a week. It really kicked my butt this morning...hahaha! I can hear you laughing. I love the fact that I can still hear your voice in my head. I can hear your laugh and see your smile... I just wish that I could see and hear it all in person. I miss it so much and I miss you every minute. I wanted you to know that I am in the process of really looking for your Flat Stone and getting it ordered and set before the snow starts flying up there in NH. In February I will order your bench and have that ready to be put in and set for Spring. I hope that I will do a good job making the decisions and that you will be proud of what I choose. I still want to make you happy. That is all that I ever wanted for you. This will never change. As I sit here writing to you, Snickers decided to jump up on the couch and put his paws on the keyboard. Guess he wanted to type you something. I asked him if he wanted to and he just wagged his tail like crazy. It was so cute. I know he misses you. Max is still hanging on. He is doing the same. Not any better or not any worse. Just keeping him comfortable as possible. I know that you are with them and watch over your puppies as well as all of your family and friends. Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that you love Mom so much that you are with me all the time or as much as you can be. I love you so much. I know you know just how much that is. I know you knew that when you were here with me and I know you know it now that you are in the Spiritual world. I hope that you have a good night. Many sweet dreams to you tonight. I will write you a longer letter tomorrow. I have to go grocery shopping now. Need to fight the damn traffic..ugh! Love you with all my heart and soul. To the moon & back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a really busy day today and doing lots of things up there in Heaven. My day has been going ok. I am actually feeling much better today. Less runny nose and coughing. Thank God for that. I actually got up today and started an exercise routine. It is a 1 hour video that I can do 5 days a week. It really kicked my butt this morning...hahaha! I can hear you laughing. I love the fact that I can still hear your voice in my head. I can hear your laugh and see your smile... I just wish that I could see and hear it all in person. I miss it so much and I miss you every minute. I wanted you to know that I am in the process of really looking for your Flat Stone and getting it ordered and set before the snow starts flying up there in NH. In February I will order your bench and have that ready to be put in and set for Spring. I hope that I will do a good job making the decisions and that you will be proud of what I choose. I still want to make you happy. That is all that I ever wanted for you. This will never change. As I sit here writing to you, Snickers decided to jump up on the couch and put his paws on the keyboard. Guess he wanted to type you something. I asked him if he wanted to and he just wagged his tail like crazy. It was so cute. I know he misses you. Max is still hanging on. He is doing the same. Not any better or not any worse. Just keeping him comfortable as possible. I know that you are with them and watch over your puppies as well as all of your family and friends. Thank you. It means a lot to me to know that you love Mom so much that you are with me all the time or as much as you can be. I love you so much. I know you know just how much that is. I know you knew that when you were here with me and I know you know it now that you are in the Spiritual world. I hope that you have a good night. Many sweet dreams to you tonight. I will write you a longer letter tomorrow. I have to go grocery shopping now. Need to fight the damn traffic..ugh! Love you with all my heart and soul. To the moon & back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Today was a better day for Mom. My cold is going away and the cough is all I have now. Should be gone altogether in the next 2 days. I have decided to take your FB and put it into a Memorial page for you. I hope you don't mind. I think that with all that is going on with me right now.. I am going to start using your " new " page as my blog. That way friends and family can just go to that & they will be able to comment and post things as they want as well. I have asked for all game and other requests to stop. Only new friend requests can be added. I really hope you understand why I am doing this. I guess it is a policy of FB that if an account is not used after some time then it will be automatically deleted. I don't want this to happen so this was the only thing I could think of. I know in my heart that you are ok with this. I want to keep your memory alive in all of our family & friends. I want people to share more memories with Mom. I want to hear all the crazy laughs and stories they have of you. I can hear you now...Oh Mom... laugh while rolling your eyes & you would give me that Cheshire Cat grin of yours. You are missed by so many people. Some people didn't even know that you passed away. They moved away and life happened and were out of touch with us. I can't believe that in 4 days you have been gone for 3 months. My heart aches at the thought of this and even more every day. The tears still flow all the time. Some days I am in denial until something has to remind me that it is all real. Yesterday, a girl that I went to school with lost her son to a fatal car accident. I don't know what happened but that family is going through all that we did when we lost you. She posted on her FB page that she laid in his bed last night and just cried. She can't imagine her life without her son. My heart cried for her because I can relate. I know what she is going through. I didn't know her son but his name is Ryan Heino. If you see him..show him the ropes up there. Tell him to show his Mom a sign to let her know he is ok and safe. Hearing all this just brings everything back again for Mom. The emotions are still so raw for me. I don't know if that will ever change but I am giving it my best shot every day. I miss you dearly. I love you so much. I hope that your night is as wonderful as you want it to be. Sweet dreams my precious son. With all my love to you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Today was a better day for Mom. My cold is going away and the cough is all I have now. Should be gone altogether in the next 2 days. I have decided to take your FB and put it into a Memorial page for you. I hope you don't mind. I think that with all that is going on with me right now.. I am going to start using your " new " page as my blog. That way friends and family can just go to that & they will be able to comment and post things as they want as well. I have asked for all game and other requests to stop. Only new friend requests can be added. I really hope you understand why I am doing this. I guess it is a policy of FB that if an account is not used after some time then it will be automatically deleted. I don't want this to happen so this was the only thing I could think of. I know in my heart that you are ok with this. I want to keep your memory alive in all of our family & friends. I want people to share more memories with Mom. I want to hear all the crazy laughs and stories they have of you. I can hear you now...Oh Mom... laugh while rolling your eyes & you would give me that Cheshire Cat grin of yours. You are missed by so many people. Some people didn't even know that you passed away. They moved away and life happened and were out of touch with us. I can't believe that in 4 days you have been gone for 3 months. My heart aches at the thought of this and even more every day. The tears still flow all the time. Some days I am in denial until something has to remind me that it is all real. Yesterday, a girl that I went to school with lost her son to a fatal car accident. I don't know what happened but that family is going through all that we did when we lost you. She posted on her FB page that she laid in his bed last night and just cried. She can't imagine her life without her son. My heart cried for her because I can relate. I know what she is going through. I didn't know her son but his name is Ryan Heino. If you see him..show him the ropes up there. Tell him to show his Mom a sign to let her know he is ok and safe. Hearing all this just brings everything back again for Mom. The emotions are still so raw for me. I don't know if that will ever change but I am giving it my best shot every day. I miss you dearly. I love you so much. I hope that your night is as wonderful as you want it to be. Sweet dreams my precious son. With all my love to you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hello my sweet son! I hope you are having a good Sunday. Mom is still under the weather but each day is getting better I think. I am making sure I take my medicine and drinking a lot of water. I have the cough now and it really hurts. Anyways.... I am watching football again. Cowboys played the Chiefs... they lost by 1 point. Your boys played today too. Packers won and so did the Dolphins. Lucky day for you for football :). Mom is just relaxing and watching tv. Don't really feel like doing much of anything else. I just want to get rid of this cough and cold. I am hoping that this week I will be finished with it and can start doing the things I need to do. I am still waiting for our storage and things to get here. It has been in transit for the past 7 days. Don't know where it is at and when it will arrive. I am hoping soon. I really want my stuff. It will be nice seeing it again after 8 months in storage. Aunt Becky and Uncle John will be coming for a visit soon too. They will be here in less than 1 month. It will be so nice to see people that I know. I am really home sick. I am reading all about my friends and family back home enjoying the Fall weather and apple picking and baking. I miss it. I miss doing those things with you. I miss having the house smell up with yummy scents and you drooling and saying you can't wait to taste it all. I miss your sense of humor. I miss our lazy Sundays. I just completely miss you. I found this poem the other day and it fit so well. I am going to find it and post it on here. When you read it you will know what I am talking about. I love you so much, Tyler. The void I have is like no other. No one will ever be able to fill it. I don't feel complete anymore. I had the one thing I loved more than anything leave this world. Part of me is gone. That part of me will never come back. I will never be the person that everyone knew before. That person died the day you did. I am trying to learn to live without you still. This is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face and do. I am trying to be the Mom that you want me to be still. I want to make you proud. I want to do my best for you...always! I hope that you have a great night and you have many sweet dreams. Tonight when I am walking the dogs I will look up to the sky and smile and wonder where you are... just like I do every night. Continue to watch over us all. Be with me all the time and give me a sign from time to time to let me know you are with Mom. I love you with all my heart. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hello my sweet son! I hope you are having a good Sunday. Mom is still under the weather but each day is getting better I think. I am making sure I take my medicine and drinking a lot of water. I have the cough now and it really hurts. Anyways.... I am watching football again. Cowboys played the Chiefs... they lost by 1 point. Your boys played today too. Packers won and so did the Dolphins. Lucky day for you for football :). Mom is just relaxing and watching tv. Don't really feel like doing much of anything else. I just want to get rid of this cough and cold. I am hoping that this week I will be finished with it and can start doing the things I need to do. I am still waiting for our storage and things to get here. It has been in transit for the past 7 days. Don't know where it is at and when it will arrive. I am hoping soon. I really want my stuff. It will be nice seeing it again after 8 months in storage. Aunt Becky and Uncle John will be coming for a visit soon too. They will be here in less than 1 month. It will be so nice to see people that I know. I am really home sick. I am reading all about my friends and family back home enjoying the Fall weather and apple picking and baking. I miss it. I miss doing those things with you. I miss having the house smell up with yummy scents and you drooling and saying you can't wait to taste it all. I miss your sense of humor. I miss our lazy Sundays. I just completely miss you. I found this poem the other day and it fit so well. I am going to find it and post it on here. When you read it you will know what I am talking about. I love you so much, Tyler. The void I have is like no other. No one will ever be able to fill it. I don't feel complete anymore. I had the one thing I loved more than anything leave this world. Part of me is gone. That part of me will never come back. I will never be the person that everyone knew before. That person died the day you did. I am trying to learn to live without you still. This is the most challenging thing I have ever had to face and do. I am trying to be the Mom that you want me to be still. I want to make you proud. I want to do my best for you...always! I hope that you have a great night and you have many sweet dreams. Tonight when I am walking the dogs I will look up to the sky and smile and wonder where you are... just like I do every night. Continue to watch over us all. Be with me all the time and give me a sign from time to time to let me know you are with Mom. I love you with all my heart. To the moon and back and all the way around the world. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey Pumpkin! Mom is so sorry that it has been a few days again since I have written to you. I caught a nasty cold and have not felt good at all. Still really stuffy and congested but I wanted to take a few minutes to write to you. I was missing it. I know it probably sounds silly but I feel so much closer to you when I write you a letter. It is coming up to that time of the month where I have a hard time. Seems like the middle of every month since you passed is so hard for me to handle. Everything just comes rushing back to me. The horrid calls, the delayed flights, and watching the hardest thing ever in my life happen. I miss you so much. I look at your pictures all the time. I miss your face, your voice, and I miss your smile. I just plain ole miss you. I wish Heaven had a phone so I could call and talk to you daily. I want to know what you are doing. I want to know what Heaven is like. I want to know everything. I want to know how you spend your day and night. Guess that is the Mom in me. I need to know. I know you are happy, but I just wish I could know more about you now. I love you so much. More than any words could say or express.
I see that Megan went to visit you a couple weeks ago. She left you a butterfly. I had heard someone did but I didn't know it was her until she posted it on FB. I thought that was so sweet. She said it... just doesn't seem real. She is right. It doesn't seem real at all until I come across something that reminds me that it did happen... that it is real. It just sucks! I am trying to not get angry because it doesn't get me anywhere, but boy is it hard. I want you to know that I can and never would be mad at you. I am so proud of you and all that you fought. You were and still are my Hero. I am just mad at the situation. I wonder why you had to go through all the ordeals that you did in your short life here with Mom. I wonder why we had to go through so many hard times. Why we missed out on all the things that Mothers and sons get to do together. Why I had to lose my precious son so soon. On the other hand... I am more than thankful and proud to have you as my son. I am thankful for the times we did have and all the memories we got to share and make. I am thankful for having you for 22 years when it could have been so much less time. My emotions are all over the place. It is like a roller coaster. I find myself smiling and laughing at some of the things we said and did. The other day I laughed out loud remembering when we used to play the mini golf game. I remember you laughing at me when I would miss and you would get a hole in one. I remember the mini golf 2 game with the letters. Oh how we would b*tch at how many times we have to do it over...lol! Every picture I see it brings back the memories to when and where we were and where it was taken. Sometimes I dislike my mind and memory with things but in these times I am so glad for it. I am so happy that my mind works like it does and I can remember all the details. I never want to forget anything about you. I want to remember everything. You will always be in my mind and forever in my heart. I love you so much. Always and forever. I hope you have a great night and have so many wonderful and sweet dreams. Please be with me and watch over me as I know you do. Continue to watch over our family and friends too. I will write again tomorrow. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey Pumpkin! Mom is so sorry that it has been a few days again since I have written to you. I caught a nasty cold and have not felt good at all. Still really stuffy and congested but I wanted to take a few minutes to write to you. I was missing it. I know it probably sounds silly but I feel so much closer to you when I write you a letter. It is coming up to that time of the month where I have a hard time. Seems like the middle of every month since you passed is so hard for me to handle. Everything just comes rushing back to me. The horrid calls, the delayed flights, and watching the hardest thing ever in my life happen. I miss you so much. I look at your pictures all the time. I miss your face, your voice, and I miss your smile. I just plain ole miss you. I wish Heaven had a phone so I could call and talk to you daily. I want to know what you are doing. I want to know what Heaven is like. I want to know everything. I want to know how you spend your day and night. Guess that is the Mom in me. I need to know. I know you are happy, but I just wish I could know more about you now. I love you so much. More than any words could say or express.
I see that Megan went to visit you a couple weeks ago. She left you a butterfly. I had heard someone did but I didn't know it was her until she posted it on FB. I thought that was so sweet. She said it... just doesn't seem real. She is right. It doesn't seem real at all until I come across something that reminds me that it did happen... that it is real. It just sucks! I am trying to not get angry because it doesn't get me anywhere, but boy is it hard. I want you to know that I can and never would be mad at you. I am so proud of you and all that you fought. You were and still are my Hero. I am just mad at the situation. I wonder why you had to go through all the ordeals that you did in your short life here with Mom. I wonder why we had to go through so many hard times. Why we missed out on all the things that Mothers and sons get to do together. Why I had to lose my precious son so soon. On the other hand... I am more than thankful and proud to have you as my son. I am thankful for the times we did have and all the memories we got to share and make. I am thankful for having you for 22 years when it could have been so much less time. My emotions are all over the place. It is like a roller coaster. I find myself smiling and laughing at some of the things we said and did. The other day I laughed out loud remembering when we used to play the mini golf game. I remember you laughing at me when I would miss and you would get a hole in one. I remember the mini golf 2 game with the letters. Oh how we would b*tch at how many times we have to do it over...lol! Every picture I see it brings back the memories to when and where we were and where it was taken. Sometimes I dislike my mind and memory with things but in these times I am so glad for it. I am so happy that my mind works like it does and I can remember all the details. I never want to forget anything about you. I want to remember everything. You will always be in my mind and forever in my heart. I love you so much. Always and forever. I hope you have a great night and have so many wonderful and sweet dreams. Please be with me and watch over me as I know you do. Continue to watch over our family and friends too. I will write again tomorrow. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Monday, September 9, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hey Buddy! I hope you are having a good day today. For Mom it is definitely a Monday for sure. What cold go wrong has and it just seems to be getting worse. I am so tired of the dark black cloud hanging over my head. I try to stay positive and have a good attitude but it is really hard when others are always want to knock you down every way that they possibly can. It hurts and it is sad. I know I will be ok because I have you watching over me and I have you by my side. I hope you got a chance today to go see Grandpa for his Birthday. I spoke to him earlier and he said he was having a great day. The weather was not too hot, not too cold, it was just right. I was happy to hear that. He deserves a wonderful day. Like I said before he goes to visit you often. He doesn't show it to any of us but I know he misses you so much. I know you already know this. He loves you and was always so proud of you...as we all were and still are. You are missed so much. I can't even express how much. I guess everyone in NH is getting used to enjoying the Fall Season. The weather has been much colder than normal. Guess it got down to 30 degrees the other night and the mountains even got snow. I was surprised. That's even cold for September. Everyone back home is enjoying the apple picking, the baking, and the crisp air. I never thought I would say this but I miss it too. I said I wanted something different. I wanted a change but I guess after 8 months I just want to return to what I know. I miss the usual, the normal, what I have always known in my life. I am trying to get used to the hot, the humid, the rain, and the tornado's. Every day it seems that I am missing you, friends and family more and more. Time is not making it easier. It is getting harder. It sucks. It makes me sad. I miss you so much. Words can't even describe it. I know you know and feel it. I am trying so hard but I won't pretend or live a lie. That is not me. I am going to continue to search for your star. I want to find it so bad. I think it will make me feel closer to you in some ways. I am going to try and look at it later this evening. I want to take pictures of it and frame it so I have it forever. I hope you go to your Star and visit it often. I hope you like it! I hope you have a great night and have many sweet dreams. I love you unconditionally. I always will. Take care my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hey Buddy! I hope you are having a good day today. For Mom it is definitely a Monday for sure. What cold go wrong has and it just seems to be getting worse. I am so tired of the dark black cloud hanging over my head. I try to stay positive and have a good attitude but it is really hard when others are always want to knock you down every way that they possibly can. It hurts and it is sad. I know I will be ok because I have you watching over me and I have you by my side. I hope you got a chance today to go see Grandpa for his Birthday. I spoke to him earlier and he said he was having a great day. The weather was not too hot, not too cold, it was just right. I was happy to hear that. He deserves a wonderful day. Like I said before he goes to visit you often. He doesn't show it to any of us but I know he misses you so much. I know you already know this. He loves you and was always so proud of you...as we all were and still are. You are missed so much. I can't even express how much. I guess everyone in NH is getting used to enjoying the Fall Season. The weather has been much colder than normal. Guess it got down to 30 degrees the other night and the mountains even got snow. I was surprised. That's even cold for September. Everyone back home is enjoying the apple picking, the baking, and the crisp air. I never thought I would say this but I miss it too. I said I wanted something different. I wanted a change but I guess after 8 months I just want to return to what I know. I miss the usual, the normal, what I have always known in my life. I am trying to get used to the hot, the humid, the rain, and the tornado's. Every day it seems that I am missing you, friends and family more and more. Time is not making it easier. It is getting harder. It sucks. It makes me sad. I miss you so much. Words can't even describe it. I know you know and feel it. I am trying so hard but I won't pretend or live a lie. That is not me. I am going to continue to search for your star. I want to find it so bad. I think it will make me feel closer to you in some ways. I am going to try and look at it later this evening. I want to take pictures of it and frame it so I have it forever. I hope you go to your Star and visit it often. I hope you like it! I hope you have a great night and have many sweet dreams. I love you unconditionally. I always will. Take care my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi buddy! Night time is here and it is sure cooling down, but nothing like it is in NH. We have had a fair amount of rain the last several days. It is a nice change, but it is never a steady rain fall. Either it is a down pour or nothing. Never anything in between...lol. Anyways.... I found this really cool app on my cell phone that is called Star Chart. I have looked at it a little but want to search more. I am hoping that I can get and set the coordinates to your star and see it. I would love to take a picture of it and frame it next to your certificate. It would mean a lot to Mom. I miss you so much. I was told today by someone special that it was OK to miss you and talk about you. I started to cry because I miss you every second of every minute of every day and I think of you always. You already know I talk to and about you all the time. I found some more pictures of you and Mom. I got some frames and will be placing them around the apartment tomorrow. I love looking at all of them and remembering the memories that we got to share. It makes me smile and I need that. Oh yeah... just want you to know that the Cowboys are playing right now. Yup... I can so hear you tell me that they suck! So far... 1st quarter and they are tied with the Giants. I know I know... but you know I like them. I will keep you posted on the Dolphins for ya! I can see you roll your eyes and tell me that they are going to lose...which most of the time you are right..lol! I wanted to remind you to go see Grandpa tomorrow and say hello. It is his 70th Birthday. Make sure you let him know you are there. He goes to see you often and he misses you so much. We all do. I hope you have a great night and you have sweet dreams. I love you with all my heart pumpkin. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi buddy! Night time is here and it is sure cooling down, but nothing like it is in NH. We have had a fair amount of rain the last several days. It is a nice change, but it is never a steady rain fall. Either it is a down pour or nothing. Never anything in between...lol. Anyways.... I found this really cool app on my cell phone that is called Star Chart. I have looked at it a little but want to search more. I am hoping that I can get and set the coordinates to your star and see it. I would love to take a picture of it and frame it next to your certificate. It would mean a lot to Mom. I miss you so much. I was told today by someone special that it was OK to miss you and talk about you. I started to cry because I miss you every second of every minute of every day and I think of you always. You already know I talk to and about you all the time. I found some more pictures of you and Mom. I got some frames and will be placing them around the apartment tomorrow. I love looking at all of them and remembering the memories that we got to share. It makes me smile and I need that. Oh yeah... just want you to know that the Cowboys are playing right now. Yup... I can so hear you tell me that they suck! So far... 1st quarter and they are tied with the Giants. I know I know... but you know I like them. I will keep you posted on the Dolphins for ya! I can see you roll your eyes and tell me that they are going to lose...which most of the time you are right..lol! I wanted to remind you to go see Grandpa tomorrow and say hello. It is his 70th Birthday. Make sure you let him know you are there. He goes to see you often and he misses you so much. We all do. I hope you have a great night and you have sweet dreams. I love you with all my heart pumpkin. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Friday, September 6, 2013
Dear Tyler,
Hi pumpkin. I am so sorry that I haven't wrote to you in 3 days but I don't need to tell you what has been going on because you see all and hear all now. I know you understand and I know you would want me to take care of myself. This last week has been quite trying on me physically, emotionally, & mentally. So many changes that I had no idea would take place and today just makes things more difficult. I know I have told you about the complaining that the neighbor has had about Max since being here. Well, today it went way too far. I received a call that stated that the neighbor called the corporate office and she got Mom evicted. This is not cool. I can't afford to move so the corporate office said that I needed to get rid of Max or I would have to leave. I am so upset that this woman would do this to someone because she didn't like the barking when I wasn't home ( which is only 3 hours a week ). I am so sad that I have been given a choice that is beyond what I feel is unfair. I guess I just can't wrap my head around all this. Ya know, my life has just turned upside down since you passed and I just keep getting a friggin black cloud over my head that won't go away. I have had so much disappointment and loss in the last 2 months and now more loss... just is NOT fair. I hate this. I am so sorry because I know you loved Max as I do. My life is empty now and will be even more now that I will lose him too. I need to ask you for something so important to Mom. I ask you to please come for Max and be with him. Take him with you so that you both can be together and play. He has been ill for 6 weeks now and I know his quality of life was not much more. If he goes naturally it would be easier for Mom. Please Tyler. I know this is a lot to ask you , but I know you understand where I am coming from. I know some people will think I am being crazy, but that's ok. They haven't been put in this situation and I hope no one ever is. Enough of this.... Even though I have not been writing to you, I have been talking to you on a daily basis and telling you about my day and what is going on. I miss you so much. I love you beyond any words can express. I know you have been near me because I could feel you. It is so important to know that you are watching over me and keeping me safe. Thank you so much. I hope that you have a great night and sweet dreams. Please continue to watch over and protect Mom and the rest of the family. I promise to start writing every day again. I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Hi pumpkin. I am so sorry that I haven't wrote to you in 3 days but I don't need to tell you what has been going on because you see all and hear all now. I know you understand and I know you would want me to take care of myself. This last week has been quite trying on me physically, emotionally, & mentally. So many changes that I had no idea would take place and today just makes things more difficult. I know I have told you about the complaining that the neighbor has had about Max since being here. Well, today it went way too far. I received a call that stated that the neighbor called the corporate office and she got Mom evicted. This is not cool. I can't afford to move so the corporate office said that I needed to get rid of Max or I would have to leave. I am so upset that this woman would do this to someone because she didn't like the barking when I wasn't home ( which is only 3 hours a week ). I am so sad that I have been given a choice that is beyond what I feel is unfair. I guess I just can't wrap my head around all this. Ya know, my life has just turned upside down since you passed and I just keep getting a friggin black cloud over my head that won't go away. I have had so much disappointment and loss in the last 2 months and now more loss... just is NOT fair. I hate this. I am so sorry because I know you loved Max as I do. My life is empty now and will be even more now that I will lose him too. I need to ask you for something so important to Mom. I ask you to please come for Max and be with him. Take him with you so that you both can be together and play. He has been ill for 6 weeks now and I know his quality of life was not much more. If he goes naturally it would be easier for Mom. Please Tyler. I know this is a lot to ask you , but I know you understand where I am coming from. I know some people will think I am being crazy, but that's ok. They haven't been put in this situation and I hope no one ever is. Enough of this.... Even though I have not been writing to you, I have been talking to you on a daily basis and telling you about my day and what is going on. I miss you so much. I love you beyond any words can express. I know you have been near me because I could feel you. It is so important to know that you are watching over me and keeping me safe. Thank you so much. I hope that you have a great night and sweet dreams. Please continue to watch over and protect Mom and the rest of the family. I promise to start writing every day again. I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Dear Tyler,
I am so sorry that I didn't write to you the last couple days but things here have not been well for me as you are already aware of. I feel like sh*t for not writing, but my emotions were running high already and I was just having a difficult time with it all...still am. I am so sorry in so many ways. I know that I told you I would be alright and you had others promise you that I would be taken care of. Unfortunately, sometimes promises are broken and people change. I can't undo what people feel or how I feel so I guess it is what it is. I have no other choice but to move forward and keep my head held high. I know in time I will be ok. Right now it just hurts like hell. I am not sure how to get over this hurdle and move forward and then to still grieve losing you. It is too much to bare. I ask you to please be with Mom. I need you. I miss you so much. I love you. I know this is another short letter and I am sorry but I haven't slept much in the last few nights and I am tired. I continue to have this massive headache and I can't stop crying.. the keyboard is blurry. I promise to write more later today..it is almost 1 am now. Sweet dreams my precious son. To the moon and back is how much I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
I am so sorry that I didn't write to you the last couple days but things here have not been well for me as you are already aware of. I feel like sh*t for not writing, but my emotions were running high already and I was just having a difficult time with it all...still am. I am so sorry in so many ways. I know that I told you I would be alright and you had others promise you that I would be taken care of. Unfortunately, sometimes promises are broken and people change. I can't undo what people feel or how I feel so I guess it is what it is. I have no other choice but to move forward and keep my head held high. I know in time I will be ok. Right now it just hurts like hell. I am not sure how to get over this hurdle and move forward and then to still grieve losing you. It is too much to bare. I ask you to please be with Mom. I need you. I miss you so much. I love you. I know this is another short letter and I am sorry but I haven't slept much in the last few nights and I am tired. I continue to have this massive headache and I can't stop crying.. the keyboard is blurry. I promise to write more later today..it is almost 1 am now. Sweet dreams my precious son. To the moon and back is how much I love you. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!
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