Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Sorry about my such short letter last night. My head was just pounding. Guess I was just tired. I did get a little sleep off and on last night. Taking care of Max is a big job but he is worth it. You know I love him and will make him as comfortable as I can until it is his time to be with you. Then you can throw the ball to Max and play with him. I know you both will be happy to see one another. That makes me smile. Anyways... not much else is new in my life. Weather continues to be in the 100's and humid. It is 7 pm and the sun is shining so bright just like if it was 1 pm. It is crazy! Snickers is doing good. His foot is healed as much as it is going to be. He is behaving and hasn't bit anyone lately...that's a good thing! Mark is well. Working during the week days and studying for several tests at night and on the weekends. He doesn't do much of anything else. Maybe watch tv for a couple hours nightly but that's it. We don't go many places because of Max. All he does is bark when he is alone and the neighbor upstairs has complained several times already so we don't have too much of a choice but to stay around the apartment. Kinda sucks for Mom were I am here all the time. I don't get out much at all. Maybe 1-2 hours a week. Its tough, but I am dealing with it for now. I am still searching for a flat stone and bench for you. I am comparing prices at the moment. I think I will get the flat stone before Winter hits New England and then in early Spring I will get the bench. I hope you will be ok with that. I am trying my best to do whats right. It is hard because I have never done this before. We are getting our storage from NH on September 14th. Been 8 months since I have seen our stuff. It will be great to actually have our things again! I think after that Mom is really going to go look for a job. I need to get out. I need to have adult conversations with others. I am finding that I am alone so much that I have a difficult time going out and being in crowds or just in the public in general. I don't know what to say to folks or hold a conversation. Makes me sad because you & I both know what a people person I am. I guess with everything I am taking 1 day at a time. That is all I can continue to do. I know I will never be the same person I once was when you were alive. That person is gone forever. I am just trying to be a person who is dealing with things as they come. I want to be happy for you as I know you do not like seeing me this way. I am trying to be happy but I need something to make me happy and there is nothing at this time. I am away from all my family & friends, I don't have a job (yet), and I am always home which is depressing enough right there. I promised you that I would continue working on myself and getting to where I need to be and I will. I have never broken a promise to you and I am not going to start now. Just know I am trying. Be there for Mom. You know when I need you. I miss you so much. I love you, Tyler. I wish you a good night and many sweet dreams. Love you to the moon and back. Forever. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah! 

Dear Tyler,

Can't believe that Labor Day weekend is upon us already. Time is really flying by. Everything up North for the beaches & amusement parks close up once again until next May. Here in Texas it is 103 degrees and humid. Guess the weekend will also be hot & humid. Not feeling to well today.. have a major headache, I think I am just really tired, but I wanted to write to you still. Talked to Meme today. She was telling me that she went to visit and talk to you the other day. Aunt Shirley had placed a wind chime at your resting place and Meme said that it was stolen. When I heard this I was s upset. How disrespectful of someone to do this kind of sh*t. You can't do anything about it either because the town says it happens all the time. I am so sorry that someone would disrespect you like this. I love you and so does your family. I will try and write later pumpkin. I miss you so much and love you to the moon and back. Have a great night and sweet dreams. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey there pumpkin. Thursday night and it is so humid for the end of August. I am waiting for what the folks here in Texas keep saying that in September the temps will go down into the mid 80's. Pretty relaxing day for me. Did some more research on moving companies and prices for us to get our stuff. Also looked for another bedroom set for the guest bedroom. Things are starting to fall into place here. Can't wait until it is all done and I can go looking for work. I need to get out and get to know more people and start making friends here. Mark has said a few times that he would like me to work for myself..open my own business. I am digging that. Just don't know what I would want to do and what kind of store. Thinking about it and will get back to you when I make more concrete decisions. Spoke to Grandpa yesterday. He was saying that it was nice during the day but you can tell it is starting to change seasons. Fall is my favorite. Not too hot and not too cold. Just right! I started to hear about all the things my friends are doing back home. Apple picking, leaves are changing, maple syrup making and the yummy candy. Guess it just makes me a little more home sick than I already am. This will be the first Fall that I have ever missed in my whole life. I have always lived in New England so this will definitely be so new to me and such a  change. I know you liked the Fall too. Your favorite holiday is in 8 weeks. Halloween. Not sure how I will take it. Another first for me being away from you and home. I miss you every day but these are the times where it hurts even more. The memories and fun times I will always remember and hold near to my heart, but I always looked forward to making new memories with you. I started this blog to you so that I could have silent conversations with you daily. It was a form of healing for me. I think that some days that's what it does to help me and other days it is just so damn hard to write to you. Whatever my mood is I am not going to stop. I feel much closer to you by writing regardless of my emotions. Some days I smile and laugh while writing and other days I am so sad and I cry all the way through it. I am trying so hard to understand what happened and why it happened the way it did. Time will never heal my pain for losing you but I am trying to learn how to deal with it and just move forward. I miss you so much. I love you with all my heart. It just hurts. The pain is so intense...I can't even explain right now...maybe some day just not tonight. I hope that your night is peaceful and quiet. I hope you have sweet dreams. Love you to the moon and back. Continue to be near me and watch over us all. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey pumpkin! I hope you are having a good day and you are doing well up there in Heaven. I am sure you are doing many things to keep you busy. I have no doubt in that at all :). So as you can see I added another song on here. One of my friends posted it on her Facebook page for her son who passed last year. I listened to it and it just fit for me to you as well. I know you will love the song. It is from Evanescence....it has a great metal edge to it...just like you love. The lyrics are beautiful! Enjoy listening to it over and over again. I see that it was Ron's Birthday the other day. It was weird to have missed his yearly party up on the mountain. We went to it the last 2 years. Looked at the pics. Seems like everyone had fun and I know that you were there too enjoying the day with them. Jeremy looks good. Haven't spoken to him in awhile but I keep sending him messages on Facebook. I also know you are watching over him and making sure he is being taken care of. He was your best friend. You both watched over each other through the good and bad times. I am so glad that you made a friend like that ( and another friend like Ron ). I wanted to let you know that Mark and I are looking at a Flat Stone for the ground where you are laid to rest. We are looking at the Gray Granite color with your name and dates on it and then in the Spring we will be buying a Gray Granite sitting bench for you. That will have your name, the dates, and a picture of you on it. I hope that you will be proud of the choices that I have made for you. I want you to have the best possible. You deserve it. I love you that much to give you all that I possibly can. I will make sure that you have flowers there at all times too...whether they are silk or real. I know lots of family and friends go to visit you and that makes me happy. I will be making a visit to NH in October so I will be going to visit you every day that I am there and I can't wait. I miss you like crazy and I love you even more. I hope that you have a great night and sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Another rainy day here in Texas. Guess we are getting weather from some tropical storm that is passing through. Not as humid out so I will take it! Today has been a better day for Mom. Got a little sleep last night and I feel better. Got to speak to Meme and Aunt Becky today as well so that made me smile. Sure do miss our family and friends in NH. It hits home when I hear people talking about what they are all doing together.... I say " hey, if I was there I would be with them and doing that too". Just gets lonely at times! I now know what and how you felt when I would tell you things that I did and you were left out when you were at Crotched Mountain. I am so sorry for that. I am sorry that you had to endure that pain for 2 years. You were always on my mind, everyday and spoke about you to many during the day. I was and am so proud of you. You were and still are my everything. I miss you terribly. There are people that I talk to daily that never knew you passed. They are so surprised when I tell them and it hurts even more when the words come out of my mouth. It is those times when reality sinks in for me. I still feel at times you are on vacation and I just can't speak to you. Guess it is a permanent vacation for you in some ways. I can't help feel the pain and void that you are gone, but I can't also help but feel happiness for you. To know you are not living with restrictions and a vent anymore is beyond any words that I could speak. I guess I am going to be selfish once again and say that I just wish I could see it. See you walking, jumping, etc... all the things I haven't been able to see in 20 years. All the things we both missed out on. I have to tell you that if I was given a choice and asked to do it all over again with you.. I would not hesitate... I would do it in a heart beat. That is how much I love you. Unconditional love is what we had for each other. Always... that will never change. I hope that you have a great night pumpkin. Sweet dreams and I will write again tomorrow. Watch over us all like I know you already do. Fly high and free. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Boy the weather matches my mood today...dark, overcast, dreary, (and it is raining for once here in Houston). Today is one of those days that I am having a hard time with your death. I have a lot of these days , but today I just can't seem to shake it. I think it is because all the kiddos went back to school in NH. Several of my friends on Facebook shared the photos of the " 1st day " and I guess it stung. As happy as I am for them, and honestly I am that they get to have these memories and these milestones, it hurt and made me sad. I remember the days doing this with you. School shopping, pictures, the jitters of new teachers, new friends, and the complaining that you had homework the first day of school. I remember every year I would take a picture of you before you went off and you would say " Ahh Mom, do you have to? " I would just take the picture, smile and say one day I will have these to look back on. I didn't think I would be looking back so soon and wising you were not only little again, but still alive. I don't think this emptiness, the loneliness, the sadness, the pain, the hurt will ever go away. I guess I am surprised that I am feeling emotions like these now... a little over 2 months since you passed. I am starting to get angry again. I am mad that the world is spinning, I am mad that everyone goes along like there is not a care in the world, I am mad that I have to go into a store and see parents with their child or children having fun, I am mad that I have to always hear about what my friends are doing with their kids on a daily basis. I am just plain PISSED at everything. I don't want to be because that is not who I am. I am not someone who is bitter. Tyler, you know that I am one to always be happy or at least most of the time. I am always wanting to know how my friends child or children are. I love kids. I hate being bitter that I don't have my son anymore. I am angry that you were taken away from me. I hate being so alone in this world. I want this all to be a very long nightmare and when I wake up you will be with me...the way it was suppose to be in Texas. I am more lost then ever right now. I know you are with me and you can see me. I know you are hurting seeing me this way, and I hate feeling the way I do but I can't lie.. to you or to anyone. I know I have a wonderful support system of friends and family that continue to tell me you are still with me, ask me if I am ok, ask me daily how I am, but honestly I am always alone, no one to really talk to, and as sad as it is I am getting used to it. I am having a hard time being around people and having a conversation. Sometimes I don't want to be near or talk to anyone. I find that when I am around people they get on my nerves and bug me. Ty, I need you. I need your help. I miss you so much. I can't even explain how much I do. I lost the most precious thing in this world to me. I lost you. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you can understand and forgive me for this letter. I don't mean to hurt you or anyone for that matter. I hope you have a good night. Sweet dreams my sweet son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Another weekend has come and gone. Didn't do to much today. We went to Walmart and did grocery shopping. Wait until you hear this Ty... Thought were we doing something nice by taking the pups for a ride because it was cooler out with a breeze, but boy was that the wrong answer and thing to do. We were in there for 1 hour and when Mark went to go get the vehicle because it was a down pour, he was greeted by Walmart security and 2 women that were saying that we were being neglectful and abusing the dogs because they were left in the truck when it was warm. I finally got tired of waiting for Mark so I went looking for him and when I approached the vehicle I saw the same thing... security officer and these 2 bitching ladies. They got all up in our faces and started saying so many things to both Mark and I. I was getting really angry and I told the security officer that 1 of the ladies needed to shut up because I didn't want to hear her talking anymore. The same woman said something that I don't even remember what and I asked her if she was threatening me. I wanted to lose my cool when she said that I was an " animal killer". That really hurt. I am nothing of the sort. The ladies said they were calling the Police on us and that I was " going down ". The security officers said we were fine. The ladies went too far. Guess we shall see what tomorrow brings. I guess I am just upset because anyone who knows me knows I love animals especially my dogs. They are not abused, they are loved and very spoiled. Ugh.... people should just keep there nose on there own face and not butt in or judge anyone before they have or know the facts. I can hear you now, Ty.... saying some pretty colorful words about what happened. Trust me.. Mark n I totally agree! Anyways... that was our day. Not the best but not the worst. I just don't know what to do anymore with Max. I can't leave the apartment because all he does is bark and the lady that lives above us complains about him and now we can't take him with us because of what happened today. I am completely against muzzling animals and using a shock collar, but we didn't know what else to do so we tried them, and honestly they don't work. I can only do what you would want me to do and that is to continue taking care of Max the way that I am. Keeping him comfortable and love him.  
 I hope that you are having a better day and night. I miss you so much. I wish that I could talk to you about all this instead of typing it out. These are the hard times. The extra times I miss. You would make things all better. Just hearing your voice would make it ok. I love you unconditionally. Do me a favor... watch over Mom and Mark alittle extra tonight and the next few days? Thanks pumpkin. 
 Sweet dreams my precious son. To the moon and back and all the stars in between.. that is how much I love you! Always, xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hey pumpkin! I hope that you are having a great day today. It is Saturday and the sun is just a shining here and it is super hot and humid. Everyone around says that the weather will start getting into the 80's. I hope so...that will be so nice! Mark is such a sweetheart.. he fixed my computer. Apparently, when I was playing Candy Crush I click on something that I shouldn't have and gave the computer a virus. Leave it to me. I can hear you know saying " ah Mom"..lol! Things here in Texas are going ok. Mark is getting used to his job and I am getting used to being alone during the day with the pups. I know I told you before but Aunt Becky & Uncle John will be bringing our stuff down along with Mom's car in October. I will get stuff unpacked and settled the best I can and then go out and look for a part time job. This way it will break up the day for me while Mark is working. I can't wait to see our stuff again. It will be like Christmas. It has been in storage now for almost 7 months. I know parts of it will be difficult because I will be going through your things and sorting out what to do with them. I know your Nightmare things will be going to Chris. She loves Jack like you did. I talked to Skeeter the other day and he said he would take your Nascar stuff. I know there is equipment as well and I will donate that to a local place here to children who needs it. I think that is what you would want me to do. I think and hope you would be proud of me. It will be so hard to go through these things as they have so many memories of you. I will keep all the pictures and make a huge collage out of them. The pictures will be of you from birth to you being an adult. I look at the few pictures I have here of you and always smile and say how much I miss that face and that smile. I sure do miss you bunches. Things will just never be the same for me..ever again! Some days I just don't want to go on. I don't want to be in this world without you, and other days I want to do so much and help others out and give them the support. I want to do good things. I want you to be proud of Mom! I love you so much, Tyler. Words can't describe how I feel or what happened to me the day you left me and your family and friends. You were so loved by many and you touched so many people. I can't express that enough to you. You never knew what you were suppose to do with your life or what your purpose was here on Earth. I know you know now and you get it and I am so happy. You were a teacher to me and so many more. I learned so many things from you. I just wish I shared them with you out loud and told you. I do miss our talks we had. I miss the lazy days when we did nothing but watch movies and talk. We have may of those times together and when I think of those days it makes me smile. I had alot of quality time with you, but I sure wish I had a helluva lot more. I still talk to you and I know you hear me but a one sided conversation is just not the same, ya know? I think of my session with Forrest and remember all the things that were said. I am so glad you still have your sense of humor. You were my little " joker ". I loved that about you. As I type I can hear you laugh...lol! It will never get easy living without you but I am sure one day I will learn to accept it. I just can't right now. I hope you understand. I will close my letter to you tonight by saying sweet dreams and I hope you have a good night. Watch over me... I need to know you are around and taking care of me and our family. I miss you and love you with all my heart. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Just wanted to stop by and tell you that I love you and miss you so much. I will write later tonight. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Told you that I would write again tonight. It is getting late but I promised and I would never break a promise especially to you. I had to tell you that Football was on tonight... Green Bay was playing and yup... they were losing. They were playing the Seattle Sea Hawks. I started laughing not because they were losing but because I always picked on you and called you a "Cheese Head". Remember those times? I know you do and I know you are laughing. I wanted you to know that my friend contacted me about my last letter to you. She was very grateful for asking you to please watch over her son for her and do all you can do. I know you will. I know it hurt you to see others like yourself. You used to tell me you knew what it felt like and you never wanted anyone else to go through the pain. You always made me so proud, and you still do. I love you so much for so many reasons! I miss you more than words can say. Please continue to watch over Mom and all our family and friends. Love you with all my heart. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hello my sweet son! I hope that you are having a great day today. It is another sunny and humid day here for us. Mark will be home early today due to him taking a certification test for his job. I hope he passed it. He studied so hard for it! He was nervous too. I told him he had nothing to worry about because he was so dang smart. Plus, I told him you would be looking out for him too :). 
 I want you to know that I am keeping to my word and I did my exercises again today! I wanted to sleep in longer because I was not feeling well last night and didn't really sleep but I chose to get up and workout. Honestly, I am happy that I did. I feel better right now.  am still tired but I will do just fine. I am going to continue to truck on with this and make a decision to get in better shape and be healthier! I am even going to eat a healthy meal for dinner tonight! I know you are proud of me... 
 I do need to ask you a favor. I know you are quite busy up there doing so many things but I have a friend who her son is another Angel just like you were and still are to me. He has physical disabilities and is having a rough time. She updated today that her son is needing to up tube feedings because he is so frail and thin but they are not sure he can handle it because his little body may reject it and start vomiting again. The doctors at DHMC spoke about doing a trach again, but her and her husband have declined this procedure for him. The doctors also said that even if they were to agree it may not prolong his life any. ( I know it is so hard to have to come to terms with these hardships. As a parent I had such a hard time making some decisions for you. I always wondered if I did the right thing, if you would be upset with me later in life, but I always trusted my gut feeling. I don't regret any of it, Tyler. ) So... I ask you to please watch over this young boy and his family. Like us... they don't need or want pity.. they just want prayers and understanding. If there is anything you can do up there in Heaven, please help this family out. They are good people and deserve many more years with their son. I know you will help out. That's just what you do! Thank you so much pumpkin. I love you so much. 
 I will write more later tonight. I actually think I need to just relax. My head is pounding..ugh! I miss you so much and I love you to the moon & back. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I would have written to you sooner but I was having problems with the blog page itself. I was getting frustrated with it all.... you know me an electronics...lol! Anyways, I hope that you are having a great day! It is once again hot and humid in Texas. We had a couple days break but that was it. It is in the evening here and I am missing you. I find night time to be the toughest part of my day. That is when we would chat and skype for a bit. I really miss those times. Like the saying goes.. " Don't know what you got until it's gone. " That is so true. I never took our times for granted or anything else for that matter nor would I ever. I know that life is extremely precious. I cherish every breath I take...wish others would see it that way as well. 
 The night sky is upon us and I love looking at the sky to see the moon & the stars. I always look up and smile and know that you are up there somewhere...not sure where but you are watching over me. It makes me happy to know we are still under the same sky ( so to speak ). I know you have gone to the star that Mom named after you, but I hope you go there often and it puts a smile on your face knowing who gave it to you. Mark says that you two share a bond that no one else does. Just the two of you. It is true... both your names went up in space at the same time. I don't even have that bond with you. Just you & Mark. I think that ROCKS!!!! 
 My day was OK today. I slept in due to being up with Max a few times last night. I did the house cleaning and sat down around 3:45pm or so. Made dinner and now relaxing and writing to you. I have decided to listen to a friends advice on what she is doing to make her life better. I thought she had a great idea so I have decided to try it out as well. I am starting to do exercises in the morning again to strengthen my heart and get in shape, I am going to eat healthier so that again I can lose weight and have more energy and lastly making sure that I get enough sleep to keep up with everything the day brings. I drink enough water already so I don't need to worry there. I will continue to take vitamins and a baby aspirin daily to help out as well. I want to feel better and I want more energy. I don't want to be stressed out and depressed any longer. I know you are happy with my plans of changing up my routine. I know you would want this for Mom. I know you want to see me happy & smiling & laughing so that is what I am going to do for you, but also myself. I realize I can't keep going down a destructive path. It is just not healthy and it just isn't me either. Every night when I write I will keep you posted on my progress, but I know you will already see it yourself  :) 
 Mom is going to stop writing for tonight. I have a headache and want to rest for now. Hope you have a great night and sweet dreams to you Tyler. I miss you bunches and I love you so much. Forever & always. You are my everything. Please always remember this. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Tyler... Saw this and it made me think of you! I know you are laughing and giving me a Cheshire Cat grin!

Dear Tyler,

I saw this and thought of you so I wanted to write it on here:

You never said " I'm leaving "
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it 
And only God knows why

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That no one will ever fill

It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.

This is so true and the way I feel. I miss you every day and I love you so much. Continue to watch over Mom, Mark and the rest of our family. Thank you for everything that you ever gave me. You gave and taught me so much. I cherish it every day and thank you silently for it. Have a great day my precious son. Sweet dreams later tonight. Love you to the moon and back and forever and a day. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I can't believe that today is 2 months since you left us. In exactly 3 minutes ( 5:37pm ) your heart stopped beating and you slipped away while Mom, Mark, Dad, Meme, Bob, Grandpa, Aunt Becky, & Brandy were right by your side. It crushed me to let you go and say goodbye, but I couldn't let you suffer anymore then what you already had and I couldn't be selfish to want you to stay. When you passed a part of me passed with you. I will never forget that day and every month on the 20th it haunts me. I am sure it always will. Like I said before the void will never go away or heal. I have a hole in my heart, a pain that is constant. I miss you beyond words. I miss us laughing, watching movies, listening to music, playing games, our times when we just talked, and yes even the times when we would argue & fight. I miss your face and the expressions you would make. I miss your voice. I just miss it all. I know you don't want me to grieve for you anymore because you are in a better place and you are happy doing all things you couldn't here with all of us. Meme & Aunt Becky called me today to check in on how I was doing. Lots of friends check in from time to time too. I still have a wonderful support group helping me through this. It does make it a lot easier for Mom. Mark still continues to be my rock through it all though. He is there for me through the good and bad times. He is taking care of me just like you wanted him to. He listens to me when I need to talk and holds me in quieter times. I know you are proud of him just as I am. I can see you smile and I can hear you say that you are so happy that I have him in my life...you no longer needed to worry about me. It will sound weird to some but I know you are with me and watch over me. I know this because I still get my strength from you. When times are tough or going bad I know you are around helping me through these times. I know you do that for others as well. Thank you, Tyler. Thank you for continuing to be by my side and walk with me while I am in the physical world and you in the spiritual world. I love you to the moon and back. I love you forever and always. You still are my everything. You still are my complete life. Sweet dreams my sweet precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Mom is so sorry for not writing to you last night. I know its no excuse but I was just so tired. This getting up every 3 hours to make sure Max doesn't mess in the apartment is getting to me. I have been doing this for the last 3 weeks and boy is it hell. I seem to have no energy to do anything except crave sleep. Anyways.... enough of that subject. 
 Yesterday I got out to one of the major malls in Texas. Holy cow.... you know just how much I love malls but this one made me tired. It was a never ending mall. Tyler, it was like 6 separate buildings and had 4 major car garages for people to park in. It has the Cheesecake Factory and Rain Forest Cafe in it. The basement floor is an ice skating rink and after the 4 floors of the mall it has a Posh Hotel in it that is 12 floors high. It was so just much to take in all at once. It had every major " high end " stores in it..ones celebrities shop in and then other stores like the ones we used to go into all the time. It was just CRAZY...LOL!!!! This one was situated in Downtown Houston. The buildings there are so amazing. The height that they have are ridiculous. I really like taking pictures of the sky scrapers and buildings and turning them into black and white photos. I really like the city look. Meme would tell you that I have always been a city girl rather than a country girl. I know you would love this city. I can hear you now saying : "Holy Sh*t". It makes me smile and laugh to myself when I go places. I can always hear your voice and comments that you would make. In a way it still makes me feel close to you. That is very important to me to continue to feel this way. 
 I woke up this morning and thought to myself that 2 months ago I got the dreaded phone call and I was getting ready to fly to NH to see you in the hospital. I cant believe that it has been 2 months since I heard your voice, seen your smile and heard your laugh. In ways it seems so much longer than 2 months and then in other ways it doesn't seem possible that it has been 2 months since you passed. I miss you so much. No time gone by will ever change that, Tyler. I will always miss you, every day for the rest of my life. I love you with all my heart. I hope you have a great day and a restful night. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

It is Saturday night and all is quiet. Had a better day today seeings how I wasn't alone all day and had someone to talk to. Watched football today and you will be happy to know that the Cowboys lost..lol! I can hear you now laughing and telling me they suck. Boy how I miss those conversations between us about sports especially football. Today was the 1st day that I cried a lot and couldn't stop. You see there is a story behind it and it goes like this: On August 14th, Mom & Mark celebrated 14 months together and for a present, Mark bought me a new iPhone. I wanted to make sure that I get all the pics off my old cell phone and voice mails. I had Mark record the voice mails because I didn't want them lost. You see the voice mails were from you. I had 5 saved on my phone from way back in May. When Mark started to record them.. I thought I was ready to hear them and prepped myself but when I heard your voice I started to cry. I couldn't stop. After Mark was finished I told him that your voice was a voice I missed so much and longed to hear again. I am so glad that I have them though. I will never have to remember what your voice was like because when I need to I can replay your messages. That means so much to Mom. I guess in a way I will believe that hearing you means I am so much closer to you. I love that and I love you so much. I miss you like crazy. I hope you had a great day and you were so busy. I know you are doing really good things and watching over all our family and friends who need help and safety. I will forever be proud of you. I was proud of you here in the physical world when we were together and I continue to be proud of you in Heaven. You still are my HERO! Sweet dreams my precious son. I love you to the moon and back. Always, Mom xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Another day is here and the weekend is upon us. It is sunny outside as usual in Texas, but it definitely does not match my mood. I think partly because I am tired. Didn't sleep much last night again due to watching Max and also because my mind will not stop thinking. I have so much going on. My emotions are on freakin overdrive right now. Things just seem to be getting worse instead of better. I guess I don't know what to do anymore. Funny... I was thinking that a year ago I was a well put together person. I had a job, lots of friends and family around, a great boyfriend, and a wonderful son. Today, I don't have a job, I have no friends or family near me...literally 2000 miles away, still have a great boyfriend, and I don't have you. What a difference a year makes. It really sucks. God... I hate the way I am feeling. I am in this funk that I cant seem to get out of. I could say that I am trying to move forward and be positive, but honestly I am not. I m not sure that I know how to. I do have our family that calls and checks in on me a few times a week and that is really nice. I miss them all more than what they realize. Maybe I am a little homesick. I guess part of me sits here and reads all kinds of things going on back home in NH that if I was there I would be a part of it. I miss everyone. It is beyond lonely here in Texas. People are really friendly and have a conversation with you, but no one wants to be your friend. It is so weird. Oklahoma was like that to. I don't know what is wrong with folks in the Central United States...LOL! I miss you so much Tyler. I hate this pain and I hate this void in my heart. I lost the one person in my life that kept me sane. I lost the love of my life. I lost you. I don't know what else to say. The bottom line is that I am so lost without you here in my life. I am just here in this world not knowing what to do, what to say, or where to go anymore. Please continue to watch over me. I need you near me. I need you to take care of Mom. I love you to the moon and back. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Today is one of those days that I wish I could talk to you or skype with you. I need to hear your voice more than ever. I miss our talks. I miss laughing with you and seeing your face. I have had a bad day today. During these days you would cheer me up and make me see things from a different point of view. You would make me smile. You would make me laugh. I know you have never left my side after you crossed over it is just so hard to explain. It is so different. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I guess this is where I literally need to see you and hear you tell me everything is OK, that I will be OK, and that you will protect me. As you know I was in Oklahoma for 6 months and now have been in Texas for 3 weeks. I am starting to love the weather and the city, but still not the traffic during rush hour...lol! I do miss our family and friends so much though. I have never been or felt so lonely in my life. Day after day I sit here with the dogs and have no one to talk to or visit with. I watch the clock all day to count down the hours until Mark gets home from work. This is so new to me as in the past I was working full time, taking care of the house and chores plus going to see you as often as I can. I never had a minute to catch my breath. I was always on the go and doing something. Now it is just the other way around. I have way too much time on my hands and nothing to do. It drives me crazy. I know my attitude is not the best, hell it actually sucks and so negative. I hate it when I feel this way. It is just not me at all. Some days I feel like I have hit rock bottom and there is no where to go but up, but I just cant find where "up" is. I know I have to pull myself together and change my ways. I know you wouldn't be happy with all this. I want to make you proud so I want to promise you that I will start to look at things differently and stay positive. I want to celebrate your life and live for both you and I now. I want to know you are smiling and saying" that's my Mom" or " I am so proud of you ". I promise you Tyler that I WILL do this. I love you will everything I have. I miss you so much it hurts like crazy. I hope that you have a great night and I will try to have a better one. sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

I feel this way every day. I miss you, Tyler xoxoxo

Tyler... this is what we did for each other every day! I love you xoxoxo

Dear Tyler,

I needed to write to you right now. I am sitting here and watching a show called " Long Island Medium" on TV. The lady (Theresa ) that can speak to loved ones who crossed over was doing a reading for someone who lost her only daughter at the age of 29. The things she said was exactly how I feel. The loss of a child no matter at what age is like an open wound that will NEVER close. It will NEVER heal. You walk around every day with this wound completely raw and exposed. That is the truth. It is not the way of life...the circle of life. Mothers give birth to their child or children..they are suppose to watch them grown and live their lives fully...they are NOT suppose to bury them. It is so hard. I miss you every day. People say as time goes on it wont get easier it will just be different. I don't think it will EVER be easier for Mom. Lately, it seems to be getting harder each day instead of easier. I know you are happy and are at peace. I guess I am trying to find that for myself and I cant. I just don't know what to do. At one point I thought I was doing better...maybe I feel the way I do right now is because in a few days it will be your 2 month Anniversary. I love you so much, Tyler. I miss you every minute of the day. I wish that I could hear your voice and see your face and your smile. Like the poem says: " If I knew it would be the last time I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time, I'd hear your voice lifted up by praise. I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two to stop and say " I love you " instead of assuming you would know I do. If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. There will always be another day to say our " I love you's" and certainly there's another chance to say our " Anything I can do's ". But just in case I may be wrong, and today is all I get... I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, and today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved ones tight. So it you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, that you didn't take the extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss, and you were to busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, tell them how much you love them, and that you will always hold them dear. Take time to say " I'm sorry ", " Please forgive me ", " Thank you ", or " It's OK ". And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today. 
 Tyler, I am so glad that we spoke on skype for 1 1/2 hours on June 18th. We said so much about how we felt, we laughed, and had the best conversation. I will cherish it forever. The last thing I heard you say was " I love you" and the last thing I said was " I love you to". If those had to be our last words to each other.. I am glad it was those. I never got to hear your voice again. You were in a coma the next day and passed the day after. That was the hardest, but I know you heard my every word and knew I was there. That makes me feel better. I love you so much. I always will. Watch over Mom. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Tyler, This is everything I wonder. I love you xoxoxo, Mom

Dear Tyler,

Hey pumpkin! Today has been a better day for Mom. Got some sleep last night and more this morning. I really needed it. My sleep pattern is off because of  watching Max closely but I am handling it. I cant believe that in 7 days it will be 2 months since you passed away. In a way it seems like forever, but in others it actually shows me just how time is flying by. I know that the pain and hurt is no less. I try to keep busy during the day so my mind doesn't over think. Aunt Becky and Uncle John are going to be coming to Texas in a couple months and bringing our stuff from NH with them. I cant wait. It will keep me busy for a couple days sorting things and getting settled. I think after that I will go look for a job. At lease a part time one. That will keep me busy during the day and break it up while Mark is at work. It is quiet here during the day and really lonely. This is so hard for me seeings how I am a people person. I had a hard time with this in Oklahoma too. I didn't make any friends there so knowing we will be in Texas for a couple years... I want to meet people and make friends here. That will make our time go quicker as well. Mark and I are hoping that the next location will be closer to NH. That way we can visit with family and friends more often. That is really important to me! Anyways.... I just want you to know that writing these letters to you helps me to still feel close to you. These are the things that I would tell you if we could talk. I want you to still be a part of my life. I want you to know everything still. I could talk to you about everything and you understood. You helped me see things from a different point of view. It was great. I miss the closeness we had. We had a great Mom & Son relationship. It was truly unconditional love! We laughed, cried, worried, got angry, and were even stubborn together. We gave each other so much strength. At times I feel like I lost my "twin". That's how much we were alike. Please know that I miss you so much each day. I keep my feelings to myself and don't say much to anyone. Don't want to burden them with this. I guess I feel that if I do share how I feel.. I would just cry anyways. Rather do this alone. I know you understand! I know that several folks come to my blog and read the letters. Just know that it is not just in the United States either. There is Canada, France, United Kingdom, India, Russia, Spain, Germany. I know I am missing a couple. I hope that through my blog, not only am I helping myself heal but I hope that I am also helping others heal as well if they are going through the same thing. I love you from the bottom of my heart. To the moon and back. It will always stay that way. My love will never fade...it will continue to grow. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I am so sorry that I didn't write last night. Had some issues with the computer and I needed to have Mark fix it...you know how I am with computers..lol! I hope that you are doing well. I saw on Facebook yesterday that Auntie Ann's brother Steve passed away. So sad for their family. I told Auntie Ann that you and Steve were together and having fun now. Show him the ropes, ok? Today was an off day for Mom. I was missing you so much. I posted on Facebook that I was missing family and friends plus missing being a Mom. Some of my friends said that I would always be a Mom. I understand what they are saying and I know I will always be a Mom, but it is different now. I will never be a Mom to someone in the physical world again. I guess today was one of the rough days for me. I know I will have them... they just suck. It just hurts. I know you are right here with me and you will help me through these rough patches and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everything in Texas is going alright. Mark is getting used to his job at the office, I am getting used to the apartment and being alone during the day again, and we are getting used to the weather. We had the first thunderstorm today. It was great! Nothing like Oklahoma...more like New Hampshire storms. Lots of thunder and lightning with heavy rain! Flooded the side of the apartment though. Max and Snickers didn't care for it though. Snickers was really scared...like always. Max isn't doing much at all anymore. He sleeps most of the time now. His left eye is closed and when he opens it there is a " film " over the eye. It is breaking my heart but he still shows no sign of being in any pain. We are still searching for a vet here. That way we can get a professional opinion on Max. Talked with Meme, Grandpa, and Aunt Becky today. Everyone is just fine. Grandpa, Mark, & I are going to start looking at a flat stone and sitting bench for you at the cemetery. Hopefully it will be ordered and in place before the snow falls. I also spoke to Megan briefly the other night. She said she was going to come visit you. I gave her directions so I hope she found you. I know you get lots of visitors and that makes me happy. You are so loved. It just melts my heart. I hope you have a good night pumpkin. Sweet dreams. I love you so much. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

It is Saturday night.... had a busy day today. For the first time in 3 weeks Mark & I explored Downtown Houston! It was very interesting to say the least. As like any city it has the tall sky scrapers and neat art sculptures. Some cool buildings as well. Went to the Hard Rock Cafe. That was fun! Thought of you and how much you would have loved the atmosphere. You would have been rockin out to the music! Nothing like the Boston or Orlando one you had been to. I am sitting here and waiting to go outside to hopefully see the first night of the Meteor Shower. They say the 12th will be the best night to view...I just hope to see something. Never seen one before so could you help Mom out??? Thanks, pumpkin! I miss you so much! Everyday is not any easier..it is just different. The void will always be there, but I am trying to do the right things and what I know you would want from me. That keeps me going. You keep me strong still! I still get my strength from you. I know you are with me and watch over me. That helps so much. More than Mom can ever tell you...but I know you already know this :). I hope you have a great night and sweet dreams my precious son! Continue to d all those good things up in Heaven. Fly high and fly free. I love you to the moon and back. It will always be: You and I with and for the world...your quote, not mine! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler

I hope today was a great day for you. I hope you got a lot accomplished because I didn't...lol. Things were crazy again here. Max is taking a turn even more for the worse. He was really bumping into everything and both eyes are completely closed. He is just sleeping and drinking water. Eating very little now. Breaks my heart to watch this. It is just like what Daisy did before she passed. Tyler, please be with Max while he is going through this. I don't think he is in pain.. he is showing no signs of this but just the same... I don't want him to suffer! These are the days I wish I could pick up the phone or skype you and hear your voice. You would make me feel better. I miss you like crazy. This is just so hard and quite frankly it sucks. Some days I just don't know what to do and other days I am ok. I sit and think just how funny life is. Every night when Mark & I walk the dogs I always look up to the sky and wonder where you are. I think about a lot of things. Looking up in the sky is so peaceful. No wonder why you like it so much. I wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you actually sleep or if you don't need sleep any longer. I wonder so many things! So many questions and unknowns about death and life after death. I used to think about it time to time and then I would stop myself because it made me sad...now I think about it more since you passed away. It still makes me sad but my curiosity is peaked. In some ways it makes me feel closer to you. I love you, pumpkin. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Told you I would write again. It is getting late for Mom and I am tired. Max isnt doing so well. He gets us up through the night. He actually is in rough shape. Makes me sad to know it wont be long for him. Make sure when he passes, you are right there to be with him. He loves and misses you too...same with Snickers. It was your Great Grammy's 93rd Birthday today too. Sent her love from all of us. She looks good and had a very busy day with Aunt Shirley and family. I promise to write tomorrow. Have a good night and sweet dreams. I miss you and love you so much! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I find today that is a tough day for me so I decided to write to you now so I could feel closer to you. Being in Texas has been ok. Really settling in now and getting used to the weather but not the traffic..thats hell! Dont think that will change anytime soon...people say that it is just getting worse. Anyways...days are so long being alone all the time when Mark is working. I used to skype with you or call you so that I could get my Tyler time and also so that the day went by faster for Mom. I cant do that now so that makes me really sad. I miss you so much. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice and your laugh, and seeing your face. I know I told you that I had a better outlook on things after my session with Forrest, but you need to know that the pain is still there and nobody will replace the void in my heart. No matter what I do that will always remain. You thought you were 3/4 of my world but actually you were my whole world! You were the BEST son any Mom could ever have or ever want. Sometimes I just sit here and remember the times we spent watching movies, playing that damn mini golf game, or beating your butt at Monopoly. I remember the way you acted when you saw a puppy on tv or a baby seal. I can hear you right now. I can hear your voice and it makes me smile. I just miss our times together. I know you are ok and you are happy. Honestly, I am so happy for you pumpkin. Like I said so many times before and I will continue to tell you... thats all I ever wanted for you! I know you are going places and seeing the most beautiful things up there in Heaven. Someday, I will reunite with you and see all those things with you. Again... it will be you & Mom. I love you so much my precious son. I will write later tonight. Until then... Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

It is night time once again and it is hot hot hot here in Texas. The stars are just shining so brightly. I have a whole new look about the stars now that you described to me what you see on your side. It sounds so beautiful. Today was a pretty down day for me. Spoke to Meme and a friend. I did get the van that was yours donated to a charity so that another family could use it and bring joy to their life as it did for us for so many years. The new family will know just how special the van was and where it came from. I made sure it would go to a deserving home and they would cherish it just as we did. I hope I did the right thing and by doing so I hope I made you proud. I keep thinking about my session with Forrest and how amazing it was. I wish I could have it every day. I wish we could communicate like that always. I felt close to you that day. The pain is and will always be there and the void will never be replaced or go away, but I could never be angry or upset at you for wanting and being ready to go to Heaven. That isnt me. You know that. I never will feel that way. I am sad that I cant see you and hear your voice every day, but I feel peace for you. I have a better understanding of things since Friday. I love you so much. You taught so many people so many things. I know because I learned from you. You taught me patience...something I always lacked, you taught me so much more but nothing more important then unconditional love. I look forward to finding out more and learning what else you are going to teach me in the future. Like I always say.... you are my HERO! I love you with my whole heart and soul. Sweet dreams my precious son. Continue doing all the things you love up there in the sky. Watch over Mom and the rest of our family. I am so very proud of you! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

I am so sorry for not writing last night but I was really exhausted from the day. I also wanted to sleep on what I wanted to say to you after my session with Forrest yesterday. I can't thank your Aunt Becky enough for the special gift that she gave me. It was the most sacred and precious gift ever. I know that many people are skeptic or don't believe in readings whether it is Tarot Cards, Angel readings, etc.. but I do. Yesterdays reading with Forrest was such a beautiful insight to what you shared with me and what you are doing in the Spiritual world. Since your passing I have been lost, lonely and a void in my heart. When I got to communicate with you everything changed. Nobody will ever take the pain away or fill my void but I see things differently now. I KNOW you are happy, I KNOW you can move around, I KNOW you could hear me sing and talk to you in the hospital, I KNOW you could feel me holding your hand and giving you kisses. I KNOW you received all your Birthday balloons...as we called it...Your Balloon Launch or as you called it Superman's Rocket Launch! The way you described floating with the balloons and getting them all were beyond words. You said you send love to everyone that was a part of it. You said you felt so much love during that time. I know because you WERE and ARE loved so much still. It made me soooo happy to know that you are with Nana and the rest of the family and friends that have passed on. I was so worried that you were alone. It is so nice to know that you are not, that you are with so many people and experiencing so many things in Heaven and everywhere else you shared with me. Thank you for making me cry happy tears, and laugh. Glad to hear that you still have that sense of humor and you are smiling that " Cheshire Cat grin ". Now everyone can experience YOU the way that I was blessed to have for almost 23 years. I am glad that you know you were my world...not 3/4 as you said but my whole world. If I could change things and have you here again in the physical world I would take care of you all over again. I know you wanted to hear me say that again and again. I would Tyler, at times it was difficult and hard doing things alone for you but it was my honor and joy to be your Mom and your care giver. I wouldn't change anything for the world. I would do ANYTHING to have you back and take this journey with you again. As we used to say... it is" Mom and I against the world", but yesterday you asked to modify this statement and have it say..." Tyler and I with and for the world ". You will always be my HERO and may I do what you did yesterday... I bow to you my precious son for all the teaching you gave me., for all the insights to see life through your eyes. I could go on and on about what we talked about in our session but I believe that not all should be revealed and shared with the world. Some things were meant for just you & I. Thank you for the validation and clarification on questions that I needed answers to. Thanks to you I know there is a beautiful place in Heaven awaiting us all when we are called home. I know that we WILL see each other again. I look forward to our next journey together in the physical world. I know you are with me and watch over me... I feel your presence now. I miss you with all my heart and I love you with every ounce of my soul. I am so proud of you.... All that you did here and all that you are doing now. Continue on and fly free, Tyler. Continue being happy and keep smiling. Continue teaching me and working with me on things that I still need to learn. You are my everything! Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Getting ready to have my reading done with Aunt Becky's friend. I am excited, nervous and scared. Does that make sense? I miss you like crazy and I love you more than life itself. I will write more later. Need to do a couple things before the call. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!

Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin, I hope you had a great day today! It is night time now and it is still so hot and humid in Texas. The weather has been rough the last couple days. It stayed 100 degrees outside until almost 8pm tonight. I know you already know this, but I didnt have my session with Aunt Becky's friend today. We are having it tomorrow. I am kinda excited. I told the gentleman who is doing the reading that I didnt want to hear anything negitive or bad news. I have had enough lately and dont want anymore right now. I am sure that you understand that. I hope you, Nana, and Pepe come forward during my reading. I will be happy. I miss you so much and need to know you are ok and you are happy. I need to have that validated to me. I hope that you get to tell me what you have been doing up there in Heaven. I guess I want to know that you are busy and I am sure you are doing amazing things. I want you to know that Mark and everyone else are taking care of me like they promised you. I want you to know that I am ok. It doesnt mean that I dont have a hard time with you being gone it just means I go along with the days as they come. For Mom it is a day to day process. I hope with this reading it will help clarify things and guide me to do what I am suppose to now. I love you so much. I miss you every minute of every day. The pain never goes away, I am just learning to live with it. Good night my sweet Angel. Sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy  xoxoxo. Muah!