Dear Tyler,

Hi pumpkin! Today is one of those days that I wish I could talk to you or skype with you. I need to hear your voice more than ever. I miss our talks. I miss laughing with you and seeing your face. I have had a bad day today. During these days you would cheer me up and make me see things from a different point of view. You would make me smile. You would make me laugh. I know you have never left my side after you crossed over it is just so hard to explain. It is so different. I don't even know if I can put it into words. I guess this is where I literally need to see you and hear you tell me everything is OK, that I will be OK, and that you will protect me. As you know I was in Oklahoma for 6 months and now have been in Texas for 3 weeks. I am starting to love the weather and the city, but still not the traffic during rush hour...lol! I do miss our family and friends so much though. I have never been or felt so lonely in my life. Day after day I sit here with the dogs and have no one to talk to or visit with. I watch the clock all day to count down the hours until Mark gets home from work. This is so new to me as in the past I was working full time, taking care of the house and chores plus going to see you as often as I can. I never had a minute to catch my breath. I was always on the go and doing something. Now it is just the other way around. I have way too much time on my hands and nothing to do. It drives me crazy. I know my attitude is not the best, hell it actually sucks and so negative. I hate it when I feel this way. It is just not me at all. Some days I feel like I have hit rock bottom and there is no where to go but up, but I just cant find where "up" is. I know I have to pull myself together and change my ways. I know you wouldn't be happy with all this. I want to make you proud so I want to promise you that I will start to look at things differently and stay positive. I want to celebrate your life and live for both you and I now. I want to know you are smiling and saying" that's my Mom" or " I am so proud of you ". I promise you Tyler that I WILL do this. I love you will everything I have. I miss you so much it hurts like crazy. I hope that you have a great night and I will try to have a better one. sweet dreams my precious son. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!