Dear Tyler,

Hi sweetheart! I am wondering how you are doing today. It has been a funny day for Mom. Not in the " haha" funny but it is with the way I am feeling. I don't feel like myself at all. Things are fuzzy and not clear and I feel like everything is in a slow motion or closing in on me. It is so weird. I feel so tired but I got sleep last night so I am not sure where this is all coming from. Maybe I am still recovering from being sick last weekend. Do me a favor... I know you watch over Mom all the time but will you please sit with me while I am alone. Thank you so much. I love you with all my heart. You mean so much to me! 
 I got to tell you I am so tired of seeing everything and people getting excited for the Holidays. I would be just like them too if you were still here with me. I am wondering how I am going to get through them this year and every year after that. I wish I could explain to you and our family and friends what it is truly like to lose your only child. It is pure hell. Every day is pure hell knowing that I will never get a chance to see my son's face again unless it in a picture, I will never get to hear my son's voice again unless I have a recording of it and I will never get to hug or give my son a kiss ever again. It is brutal thing to have to deal with on a daily basis. The Holidays are just another reminder that families get together and make memories for years to come and I don't and can't have that ever again. I am trying so hard to be positive and upbeat and not angry or sad because I know you don't want it to be this way for Mom, but I believe I am failing at it. Some days have better than others. It is a damn roller coaster ride that I am on that I can't get off. I have spoken to friends of mine who have lost a child too. They tell me that the first year is always the worst. The first Holidays, the first Birthdays, etc... I believe them because they have gone through it all already but they are lucky because they also have other children as to where I don't. I promise to you that I will continue to truck along and make things better for myself. I think that you will be happy to know that I will be going to Church for the first time this Sunday. I am looking forward to this. I am hoping that maybe this is what I need. I pray every night and day, but I think it is time to start meeting new people and forming some new friendships. I think this is a great start. I know you will be with me this Sunday when I go. I think you will enjoy it too.... with Mom! 
 Today is very overcast and cloudy. The sky at any minute can open up and start raining. I hope that I get the chance to see my bright star tonight. If not I will still whisper to you. Be listening for me. I miss you like crazy and I love you more than words could say. 
 I hope you have a great night. Sweet dreams my precious son. Fly high and free and make it everything you want it to be. Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!