Dear Tyler,

Hi Buddy! I hope today is a good one for you. It is overcast and rainy here. My mood is matching it. I am just so tired today. Yawning like crazy and can't stop. I have been continuing my exercise routine for the past 2 weeks and I overslept today and it has just thrown everything off. I did my exercises late and showered later than normal. Usually I have a lot of energy but not today. It is just a blah day. Anyways...
 My friend on Facebook posted more sad news. I guess a 17 year old boy died yesterday morning in Alstead, NH. Don't know the whole story but I guess he had a passenger with him. The driver died and the other one walked away with minor scratches. Such sad news. Another Mom & Dad loose their son. Seems to be a lot of that lately. I feel for that family. I know what they are about to go through. I don't wish that on anyone. Grieving a loss of a child is the worst. It never goes away. It is haunting every day and every night. It is constant pain. I miss you so much. I love you. I wish I could say that I know where my life is going and what direction it is taking, but that would be a lie. Some days I think I know, but most days I just walk around and do the things I know I need to do. That is the truth. That is how I get by on a daily basis. Most days my mind is cloudy and useless. I sit alone during the day and cry while no one is here. I sometimes think it is my way of healing losing you and wonder when the tears will stop flowing. Other times I don't think the tears will ever stop. I think that I will cry every day for the rest of my life. I know that I have said it many times but I will say it again... you were my everything! You still are. You were my complete life. I really am so lost without you. My life revolved around you for so many years. You always thought you were a burden to me when the truth was you weren't. I always told you that. If I didn't want to take care of you I wouldn't have. I enjoyed caring for you. We had our rough patches but every parent/ child relationship does. I enjoyed watching you grow from a toddler to a handsome young man. I would like to think that we taught each other many things through the years. I wish that I got to have more years though. 
 Sometimes at night I am haunted by us being in the hospital. I didn't get to hear your voice for the last time. I didn't get to see your big brown eyes open. You were so cold and just laying there. I kept hoping you would just speak to me. I prayed you were in no pain. I see your face and body all the times in my dreams. I find myself replaying that afternoon over and over in my head. I am sitting there with you after you passed. Talking to you and then just sitting in silence. Not wanting to believe that what happened was reality but not kidding myself either. I just couldn't believe that I had to say goodbye to you. I couldn't believe that you were gone and never to return again. I guess I still haven't really grasped that concept yet. I don't know if I ever will. 
 I am trying so hard but even that doesn't seem like it is enough. I feel like I am failing at this too. I just want to make you proud. I want to honor you in every way I can and every way you deserve. Do me a favor and give me a sign that I am doing the right things and making you proud. I think Mom needs this. Thank you!
 As always I will look to the sky tonight. I am hoping to see some stars but because of the overcast skies I am not sure. I love you with all my heart and soul. I miss you bunches. Fly high and fly free my precious son. Be happy :) Always, Mommy xoxoxo. Muah!